The life of a herbal tea drinking daydreamer...

'Sleep 'til you're hungry, eat 'til you're sleepy.

'HURRY UP PAY DAY!'I scream, whilst picking at my 1.99 pink candy coloured nail varnish. After almost 6 weeks without any money, I'm beginning to feel on edge. I'm the type of person that has to leave the house with atleast 3 pound (just in case I get a bit hungry and fancy a flapjack from Asda) so I almost had a panic attack when I left work earlier, starving, and with only my bus fare to take me home. I sat there, staring out of the window, hallucinating krispy kreme doughnuts, dancing in the rain! (the chocolate ones with the cream inside! Mmmmmm) Anyway, 45 minutes later, I was home sweet home, with a cup of Yorkshire tea, devouring a bowl of cornflakes (I was far too hungry to cook, so literally ate half the box in 2 minutes) After my 'binge', I fell asleep for 3 hours. However, I woke suddenly, checked the time and for some strange reason thought I was running late for work! I jumped out of bed, paced around the room and even started looking for my mango shower gel! Only to realise (after a good 30 seconds) that it was infact 6PM and not 6AM. Oh what a fuckwitt...

As for the exciting New York planning. We're definitely going in January as we'll 1) have enough money 2) it's Christmas time and I like that magical feeling (think Home Alone) AND 3) We can get the time off Uni/work, to devour all of that delicious cheesecake. I'm hoping to put away 300 this month, as that will be my flight money sorted. I can use some of my student loan for spending money, but I'm hoping to save as much as possible from my current job. Thankfully the boss has taken a liking to me (maybe it's because I made her a cup of tea when she was ill?) so whatever extra hours that are going, are given to me straight away. Even though at times, I just want to go home and sleep, I sing that song 'New York, New Yooooooooork!' in my head over and over and it gives me the will power to stay and keep going!...

I really enjoyed the weekend. Me and the boyfriend celebrated our first anniversary together. It's amazing how quickly this year has passed by! We drove to Warwick, went for a meal with his sister & her husband. Stayed over at theirs and then the following morning we drove down to Bicester Village & then London for a day spent shopping in the sunshine. I must say Bicester was torture for me, as they have the new Vivienne Westwood store. Most items have a 75% discount, which made me want to cry as the only thing I could afford that day was a bottle of water from the petrol station and not the beautiful bag I saw, staring sweetly at me through the window... *sighs*
It was lovely to finally have the time to go somewhere together, as working life seems to be taking over most of our time (think New York, New Yoooooooork!) However, we have a weekend in Cambridge soon, so thankfully we have something else to look forward to. Maybe we should hire bicycles and pretend we're super intelligent students?... Indeed

Another early morning at work for me tomorrow. However, I find travelling at 7:30am so therapeutic, listening to 'Far Away' by Nickelback on repeat for the entire 40 minute journey (cheesy I know, but I always seem to be in a love mood when the birds are still singing) I should be finished at 2pm, annoyingly I cannot venture to Starbucks and unwind for half an hour after, as I doubt they give out FREE coffee to addicts, without a penny to their name...

Hmmm, I could always bring my cool Starbucks cup, my own coffee and just ask them to fill it up with a bit of hot water and milk????

Right I'm falling asleep, so I think it's time to turn off my laptop and dream about The Big Apple. I'm feeling really happy again, maybe it's the sunshine and the fact that I seem to be falling more in love with my boyfriend as time passes by (yes, I'm listening to Nickelback, it turns me into a romantic)

Until Next Time.

11:30pm, I sit here with an empty cup of coffee, wearing a pair of cosy blue pyjamas and feeling content as I have just spent the last half an hour browsing University things, such as finance, accommodation. Shockingly I haven't googled ELLE or VOGUE or even ROBERT PATTINSON!

I finished work at 4pm. It was a rather busy day, so was quite relieved when I realised the time. I literally skipped to the staff room to collect my things. Just as I waved goodbye to a few of the girls, the boyfriend text informing me that he was on his lunch break and wanted to know if we could meet for a coffee (HEAVEN) He kindly bought us a mocha, a chocolate brownie and a blueberry muffin to share (Greedy? Indeed) Surprisingly I have lost weight, even though I seem to be eating the whole of Starbucks *sighs*

For the first time in months I'm actually feeling happy with everything. I've always been content with my relationship, but it's so important to be happy with a variety of things in life. Working has given me my independence back and it's helping to occupy my mind, before my studies begin. Feeling down, helpless and utterly depressed scares me. I'm in love with this new feeling of joy. I never want it to go. I look back and want to kick myself for being so pathetic at times. That girl wasn't me at all. I never want to see her again.

Remember 'Rocker guy?' (skinny jean wearing boy who dumped me on msn?) Well, he text me the other day, asking if I was ok. I replied, informing him that everything was fine and wished him good luck for his exams. He's now living in London with a few friends and currently in a band, performing gigs in places like Camden. It's amazing how feelings just completely disappear. I feel nothing at all, as if he's just a stranger with a guitar. I never think about him or even realise he ever existed. We learn from everything in life and from that experience, I learnt to go with my instincts. I always kind of knew that he wasn't 'that into me' after I was introduced as 'his friend from home' after being together for 2 months. I should have ran a mile at that point, rather than pretending to myself that everything would work out, only to get hurt in the process. I laugh about it all now...

Hopefully I'll save up enough money to fly away to New York in January (with the help of my student loan of course) The great thing is, the boyfriend studied over there for his second year of University, therefore he has a few friends willing to let us stay with them. So, with accommodation sorted, I only need to save up my pennies for flights, food and of course a bit of spending money. Hmmm I can pretend I'm Carrie Bradshaw!

Ooooh the highlight of the trip!

Did you know that 'kitkat' means 'good luck' in Japanese? Hmmm, well I've just devoured a delicious bar of good luck and am now sat here, periodically staring out of the window and appreciating the fact that after 6 days, I have Sunday to relax...

As my boyfriend works in the same shopping centre, I met him yesterday afternoon for a quick mocha at Costa Coffee. I remember the time we would spend hours in coffee shops every week. But as we're both busier, we haven't had the time to do it anymore. He also now works on a Sunday, therefore we can't go on our little road trips either *sighs* The good thing is, we have more money and I am no longer stressed, bored and mentally insane as I actually have a life again. The bad thing is the fact that my work shifts change every single week, so we can't really plan anything. Hmmm, I also miss our Starbucks date's...

Thankfully we both finished work at 7pm yesterday evening, so we attended his friends BBQ (FREE FOOD!) Even though we were two hours late, there was still quite alot of food left, so we didn't miss out at all. I really enjoyed it, as we all sat in the garden, talking about funny school memories (mainly about the freaky people who more than likely turned out to be murderers) and greedy me must have ate atleast 3 slices of white chocolate cheesecake (I blame the fact that I had only eaten a bowl of porridge at 10:30am) Anyway, after a few people went home, the rest of us sat in the conservatory, drinking pimms and listening to calming music. We finally left at 11:30pm, drove back to my house with Alter Bridge playing (that band always reminds me of falling in love) and basically fell asleep as soon as our heads touched the pillow. Annoyingly the handsome boyfriend had to wake early for work. As I'm a good girlfriend, I made him a cup of coffee (in my Starbucks mug) It must be horrible to work on a Sunday! I always see it as a day of complete rest, but I suppose the more money the merrier at the moment, as we're hoping for a trip to New York. I like the fact that he always kisses me goodbye and says 'I love you'. But hate the fact that he leaves, when all I want to do is curl up with him and spend the day being lazy together...

I've realised over the past couple of weeks just how much I love to be around people. For months I spent most of my time being alone and even though I hated it, I felt comfortable. It's as if I forgot how to interact with other people. The first week at work felt slightly strange, as we were all getting to know one other and for the first time in ages, I had to talk about myself and what I like, love, hate etc. I received a lovely compliment off one of the girls. She got asked by my manager who she liked the most. She told her that she liked me, because I had such a lovely, bubbly personality and really enjoys working with me alot. Being told that you're down to earth, kind hearted and a joy to be around means more than being called 'pretty'. Looks fade, but your soul never loses it's colour...

Right, time for another cup of coffee and perhaps an hour spent organizing my life...

Indeed.

10:30pm, I sit here wearing Bridget Jones style red frumpy pyjamas, munching on my fourth slice of honey on toast, browsing www.nymag.com (the fashion section of course) whilst periodically trying to spray deodorant on an annoying moth, that keeps landing on my cool (freshly washed) guns n roses t-shirt *sighs*...

Hmmm, I've actually enjoyed work this week (even though my feet are fucked) as I've been working a few extra shifts and getting to know the people a little better. However, I don't get paid till July 10th, meaning I have another 3 weeks of being completely poor (I cringe at the thought of asking my 'mommy' for bus fare!) Urgh! Thankfully, the majority of our customer's are really friendly. Apart from two bimbo's earlier, who demanded I fetch them a size 8 pink corset dress (tacky, cheap and vulgar in my opinion) but when I returned without it, as they had all sold out (shockingly) she had the nerve to 'TUT' at me and then 'SHUUUU' me away. It was quite obvious she was a spoilt brat, as the credit card she used to pay for her VILE purchases had MR on it. It was either her daddy's or the he/she had stuffed his/her bra extremely well!..

I think I've devoured far too much toast (I say whilst covered in crumbs) You see, I always get hungry at 10pm and end up opening the fridge, praying to God that a chocolate cake would magically appear before my very eyes (unfortunately this never happens) so I skip off to bed, armed with a plate full of delicious, hot, honey covered toast and let out a little sigh of pleasure. Ooooh, keeping on the subject of pleasure, I purchased a beautiful purple dress from work yesterday evening. With my discount, it only cost me 11 (my money sign has broken on my laptop) pounds! Which of course is a complete bargain, as I fell in love with it and most things I'm besotted with are in ELLE and would realistically take me 7 months to save up my pennies to buy! That is also the reason why I want to work for a fashion magazine, as I would go home with loads of FREE dresses, shoes, bags, MAC cosmetics! *faints*

I'm feeling a little bit tired, but I want to stay awake and perhaps enjoy a few more episodes of sex & the city. Thankfully I'm not in work till 3pm, therefore do not have to set my alarm! Yeeeessss! I do however like to get to work atleast 30 minutes before my shift, as I sit in the staff room with a cup of coffee and have a bit of a chat with whoever is sorting out all of the stock. The staff room is very small, with one blue chair that wobbles from side to side and a long mirror on the wall that must make you look half a stone lighter. The walls are covered with little bits of paper with telephone numbers written down, health & safety certificates, staff rota's etc. Even though the room is a shoe box, I like sitting in there, as it always feels so calm...

Ooooh the moth has finally gone! Thank you SURE deodorant!

Right, I'm falling asleep so shall end this blog with a goodnight! and oh shit... I need to brush my teeth and find this the biggest chore of all before bedtime! I'll more than likely wake at 9am, in a big panic, thinking I have work in the morning, only to rush into the bathroom and bash my toe in the process and then realise 2 minutes later that I'm not in till the afternoon, and can get back into my lovely, cosy bed and sleep till miday....

Such a strange girl.

'Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.' -Confucius

Oh Sunday Sunday Sunday, the day of complete and utter rest. However, it feels quite strange to not have anything to do today (I say whilst sitting in bed at 3pm) I had the chance to work today, but I opted out of course as I promised myself a date with Carrie Bradshaw, the kettle and the bed. I finished work at 7pm last night, armed with another top I purchased from the store (20% discount) and rather sore feet as I decided to wear those damn gladiator sandals again. The handsome boyfriend also finished at the same time, so I found him patiently waiting for me outside of NEXT, smiling and looking adorable as usual. We drove back to his place in the rain, whilst ranting on about our retail jobs and looking forward to devouring a Dominio's pizza (that his parents had kindly purchased) I feel like a different person at his house over the past couple of weeks, more like myself infact. Unemployment turned me into a mouse. I felt as if I didn't have anything to talk about, so I would simply sit in the corner quietly and occasionally nod along. It just feels nice to have something to share, even if it is about how many hours I'll be working this week...

A contestant from 'Deal or no deal' came into the store yesterday afternoon. I found this information out as she wouldn't stop talking about how she won 17 thoooooouuuuusand pounds on the show in December 2008. She was a lovely woman, but my gosh she was a chatterbox and began informing us all that she was off on her third holiday of the year *sighs*. I might actually apply to appear on the show, as imagine if I actually won 250 THOUSAND?? Of course there is a chance I would go home with just a penny, but it's all about luck I suppose! I began thinking about money just after she left the store. Hmmm, to a certain extent it does bring you happiness. Especially if the money is given to you, and with it you fly off to Australia for 2 weeks without a care in the world. However, too much of something is bad for you. Imagine being a millionaire, knowing you could have anything you wanted. What would happen to your aspirations? Most people work hard to travel the world, to afford to live in a beautiful home etc. As much as I would love to have money, I think too much would become rather boring, as the excitement would disappear. I love the feeling of walking into a shop and buying a new outfit for 50 pound with my wages. I like daydreaming about certain things, knowing that I'll have to wait a week to purchase that beautiful dress in the window of Topshop! Hmmm it makes me appreciate those little things in life alot more...

I'm glad that I don't spend my time pottering around the house, feeling sorry for myself anymore. I completely wasted 6 months of my life being depressed. However, I learnt quite a few things about myself. I'm the kind of person who has to be busy. I have to keep my mind occupied 24/7, to avoid insanity. I keep my feelings inside far too much, when really I should have the courage to speak out a little more. This is a reason why I get frustrated with myself, because there are so many things I want to say, but always keep quiet. I like to have control, but I've realised that in a relationship it has to be equal. I dislike silence, as is makes me feel on edge. I like routine, as not having one makes me feel incapable. And last of all, I don't like being alone...

I'm actually looking forward to working over the next 6 days. I like falling asleep, knowing I have to wake up in the morning to be somewhere. I like to feel as if I'm doing something with my life, rather than sitting in the corner, watching it pass me by...

Oh life...

'Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.' - Confucius

I finished work at 4pm, with my feet throbbing with pain. It's my fault of course for wearing heels for my 4 hour shift. I've tried flat shoes on a few occasions, but I feel as though I'm plodding along like a penguin. Hmmm, if only I could wear slippers....

I must say I'm really looking forward to Sunday, as I finally get a day off. I've worked almost 50 hours this week, but the money will be a great help. Even though I'm exhausted, I've enjoyed working my bottom off. After almost 6 months of doing pretty much nothing, I now understand the meaning of 'work' and appreciate coming home to a nice cup of tea...

I'm currently in bed, nibbling on a few squares of dairy milk and sipping chamomile tea. I'm in at 3pm-7pm tomorrow, so thankfully I get a nice lie-in, followed by breakfast in bed (made by myself of course) It's going to be a busy Saturday afternoon tomorrow. I'll have to mentally prepare myself for the chaos. I spend most of my time picking up shoes after people. I'm sure they see me arranging everything neatly and then purposely decide to wind me up, by leaving them in a messy pile on the floor (fuckers) At times I get the urge to throw a pair of 5 inch platforms at their head. Hmmm, I could blame it on turrets...

I never did get any till training, which resulted in me charging a lady 21p for a dress instead of 21 pound on her visa card! (it was 9:15am, I hadn't intoxicated myself with coffee and the card machine was complicated) I only realised this an hour later when my manager came over, checking the receipts and giving me that 'what the fuck have you done!' look. Thankfully she did see the funny side of it. But instead of helping me, she walked off and left me alone with a shop full of people. Typical...Anyway, enough of my retail rant, as apart from a few annoying little things, I do enjoy my job (when people put the shoes back of course)

I'm falling asleep. I don't actually need the relaxing chamomile anymore, as I'm naturally tired again! I even had a lavender scented bath, so I'm sure in the next 5 minutes I will more than likely be unconscious. Right, maybe I should drift off into dream world with Jack Johnson singing on my Ipod? Hmmmm beautiful...

Goodnight x

'I'm not asleep... but that doesn't mean I'm awake'

'Can you put my wallet in the car drawer' the boyfriend casually asked, as he eagerly passed it to me with one of those cute grins on his face. 'Of course' I replied, completely oblivious to the actual reason why he wanted me to open up the drawer in the first place. However, once opened, he looked on curiously. His eyes glued to the drawer, eagerly waiting for me to find my 'surprise'. I wasn't expecting anything remotely exciting, other than a few tapes, a bic pen and a packet of half eaten polo's. But I must say, a complete surprise it was, as right before my eyes were.... Nickelback gig tickets (placed right at the back, next to a tape of The Carpenters greatest hits) You see, a couple of months ago I was informed that the tickets had sold out, so I accepted the fact that I wouldn't be able to see them perform, the day before my 21st birthday. But of course, the handsome man made sure that he would put a smile on my face that sunny afternoon, and he sure did...

The gig itself was amazing! It felt so great to get the chance to hear Chad Kroeger sing 'How you remind me', 'Photograph' and 'Far Away' live. They are such a talented band and I lost myself in the music, as I watched on completely mesmerized. Of course this was only one of my many beautiful birthday presents, I say as I sit here sipping coffee out of my new Starbucks mug, whilst typing away on my new laptop. I also received a cool fashion book, necklace, digital camera, brown gladiator sandals, pretty dress (cleavage galore) Guns n Roses rock t-shirt, a cute Abercrombie hoody (as I kept stealing my boyfriend's!) and was treated to a delicious sushi meal, followed by a road trip to York (which changed to Leeds due to the rain!) It was nice to get the chance to spend a little more time with one another. However, I always end up missing him more...

Waking up at 6am felt rather strange on Thursday morning, as for the first time in 6 whole months, I needed to get out of bed for something other than porridge and an episode of America's Next Top Model. I had to... wait for it....leave my warm cosy bed for WORK! You see I always set my alarm 15 minutes before I need to wake up, as I actually enjoy pressing the snooze button! It feels as if I'm having a lie-in, even though in actual fact I'm not. Trick of the mind of course... Anyway, the boyfriend stayed over, so he kindly drove me to my destination. I felt extremely nervous, therefore I felt myself being a slight bitch in the car, as I tried to control my 'panic attack'. I felt terrible, as he was trying to make me feel positive and I sat there, picking my nail varnish and telling him that I wanted to commit suicide. I applied more mascara, whilst he got some more petrol (I sat there inhaling of course) but then started a relaxing breathing exercise, that I once heard on a Paul Mckenna CD. After all, we are in control of ourselves and I knew my over emotional outbursts were just making my nerves feel even worse. Thankfully when I arrived, I had pulled myself together (ish) and once out of the car, I began walking towards the store in my clicking heels, hoping that I had simply worried over nothing (which is just what I had done. Typical)

The clothes store wasn't due to open till Saturday morning, but they needed a few people to help out. I didn't realise it would be so much hard work! I stayed for over 10 hours and when I informed my boss at 7:15pm that I needed to leave, she gave me a look as if to say 'No, keep unpacking those shoes!!' but I headed home anyway, as my bus is every hour after 6pm and I didn't want to be waiting around like a marshmallow. The following day, one of the manager's asked us why we left so early and went on to give us a speech about commitment. It went a little like this...

'I was here till 10:30pm last night, helping out and wanting to make this store a success! Whilst a few of you left early, leaving us with all of the work. I have a daughter and a life you know!!'

I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or hit her on the head with my evian bottle. I was slaving away for 10 fucking hours and then had to get two buses home. She spent most of the day, talking on her mobile, telling people what to do, eating biscuits and shopping at Primark! (two days in a row, she came in with bags full of clothes, informing us all she had a lovely afternoon spending her money on pretty dresses) and could then drive home at whatever time she felt. She was obviously only pissed off, as when the slaves went home, she had to actually do some form of work...

I left work at 7pm on Saturday evening with a few new clothes to wear for uniform (40% staff discount) and was greeted once again by the handsome man (who made me a bowl of crunchy cereal and made sure I put my feet up with a cup of tea too. Bless) It felt lovely to feel exhausted. I haven't tired myself out in months, therefore I used all of my energy on over-thinking. However, the only thing I can think about right now is SLEEP! I'm only working for 3 months over the summer, so hopefully time will pass by really quickly. I worked 9am- 1pm today, however I was left to fend for myself in a busy clothes store (without any training) whilst the manager's sat in the back, scoffing their fat arses with Maryland cookies. I found this extremely rude, as I kept making mistakes on the till and all they could do was laugh at me. Of course without training, I am unable to do my job properly! I felt quite angry, as I stood there listening to 'Just dance' by Lady GaGa for the 100th time (we only have 1 CD you see, so my whole morning felt like ground hog day) I had a queue of people waiting to go into the changing rooms, another few waiting to be served and other people tapping me on the shoulder, asking me to fetch bags, shoes, skirts and all sorts. Thank fuck I am now home, curled up in my warm hoody and intoxicating myself with caffiene! Any longer and I think I might have killed myself with a coat hanger and a leopard print belt...

Hmmm a lavender scented bath, followed by an early night with Sex & the city?

Indeed....

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread -Mother Teresa

I was greeted by the beautiful sunshine this morning, beaming through my window. I was determined not to waste the day indoors again; therefore I put on some red lipstick and walked into town. I spent an hour or so browsing and surprisingly I found a pair of brown gladiator sandals for only 6 pound!! (which of course I happily purchased) Just as I was about to walk back home, I bumped into my Grandparents. You see, ever since my father passed away they haven't really been around much. It's as if they couldn't cope with his death, so closed off from the whole family. I always feel quite awkward around them, it's as if I never know what to talk about, so I just give them both a hug and try and make it quick. It's quite heartbreaking to be honest, as I have so many beautiful memories of them. However, they pushed us away and even after 10 years they still continue to do so...

Anyway, when I returned home I spent the rest of the afternoon in the garden with Grazia magazine and green tea. We decided to have a BBQ a few hours later, so whilst the food cooked (smelling amazing!) we sat around and chatted for a while, just as the sun was setting. It was lovely to spend time with the family (without the rows and uni stress)

The boss called, informing me that I start work on Saturday. However, she wanted me to go into the store on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday to help out with stock. As it's my 21st birthday on Wednesday (hmmm cake!) the boyfriend has various surprises lined up. Therefore, I had to tell her that I couldn't help out on Tuesday or Wednesday! I felt rather silly, as I was telling my new boss that I couldn't even make it on the first day! Hmmm, I doubt anyone would want to spend their birthday picking up boxes of course...

It’s my last week of unemployment. Thank fuck. I only have to work for 3 months, as university begins and I get to spend the next 3 years of my life being a lazy student (armed with a laptop and a can of Heinz beans) Maybe I should get a job in a coffee shop too? As all of those late night studying sessions will require a lot of caffeine! Of course the staff discount will help too, as I'll more than likely be poor, after spending my loan on dresses and shoes from asos.com (tut tut)...

Keeping on the subject of asos.com, I ordered a beautiful blue dress (that I shall be wearing for my birthday meal) however, I purchased a size 10 (as usually their dresses are really tiny and I always feel rather fat, after squeezing my arse into a size 8) Anyway, it's far too big and I have completely forgotten that over the past 9 months, I have lost half a stone, therefore I am in fact an asos size 8. Rather than sending it back (as I honestly cannot be bothered to fold, pack and post) I have decided to do it the 1950s housewife way and sew the damn thing...

As it was the 125th birthday of Marks & Spencer's, I was informed that many items would be 1p! (Bargain!) So, I enthusiastically skipped into the city on Wednesday morning, with my sister and of course the 4'9, 67 year old bargain hunter Grandmother called Winifred (the Grandparent that didn't ignore us for 10 years of course!) So, we arrived at 9am and waited in the extremely long queue for what seemed like forever! Unsurprisingly, the Grandmother had a pocket full of mints! So as we stood there sucking on humbugs in the morning sunshine, we realised that a photographer was standing in front of the crowds, taking pictures. I didn't know whether to smile or hide! However, I wasn't too keen on the idea of being known as the local M&S eager bargain beaver! When we finally entered the shop (50 minutes later) we were sadly informed that the only items left were either a packet of sweets, a frisby or a beach ball!!??? (I must say I felt extremely disappointed) We were able to pick 5 items each, so of course I opted for the 'food glorious food' but as I realised I must have looked extremely greedy, I politely asked for a frisby too...

After almost a year of being with my boyfriend, I am still so completely in love. I remember when I realised I had fallen in love, it was around September 2008 and he was sat there in his grey cosy trousers, sipping peppermint tea out of his huge starbucks mug and singing along to Jack Johnson. I was so besotted and realised that I loved everything about him. His smile, his laugh, his big blue eyes, his pouty lips, the way he sang and got the lyrics wrong, his smell, his voice, his beautiful mind and even the way he held his spoon (he wraps his whole hand around it! If a bear ate porridge, then I'm sure it would eat it that way!) We had quite a hard time during the winter, but I suppose it made me realise just how much I care for him. We both were in the wrong at one point, but with our trust issues in the past, our own insecurities got in the way and caused a lot of stress on the relationship. Thankfully, we got through it even stronger than ever and now continue to be extremely happy with one another. I didn't think it was possible to feel this way about somebody, but I'm just going to embrace it all, as life is far too short to hide away your feelings. Love is so important and at times we need to take risks and allow our hearts to fly away and find it...

Hopefully the sunshine shall return tomorrow, as I think a Sunday picnic with the boyfriend will be perfect. Hmmm right, time to apply a chocolate facemask and perhaps stare at Angelina Jolie pictures...

Goodnight x

I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part. - Shirley MacLaine

A whole jug of cocktail and two glasses of rose later, I found myself enthusiastically dancing with the girls (You know the usual swaying, wiggling, pointing, shaking and pouting??) in a very crowded Lloyds Bar on Saturday night. Even though the club was packed, it was better than sitting in an old man's pub, talking about babies (which had been the main topic of conversation an hour previous) as much as I think children are cute, I don't want to commit myself to motherhood right now. I want to be able to travel, achieve personal goals and feel free. A couple of the girls still live at home, have a child and complain about feeling slightly lonely at times. Maybe they should have 1) Used a condom 2) Not rejected their friends and 3) Realised that the men they were with, were complete and utter fuckwitts. I know life will never be perfect, but I would rather bring my children into a happy world with two parents, a pretty house, two posh cars and an adorably chubby chocolate Labrador puppy...

I'm such a home girl at heart. Even when I was out celebrating my friends 23rd birthday with a cocktail in my hand, I was wishing I was at home with a cup of tea, curled up in my quilt, watching sex & the city. Rather than dancing for hours in Lloyds Bar, getting wine all over my dress whilst periodically wiping the sweat from my upper lip. Hmmm, does this make me a hermit? wanting to hibernate at home, rather than socializing with the world whilst singing along to 'Mysterious Girl?' in a crowded club at 1am?

On Sunday night the boyfriend and I went for a meal at 'Around the world in 80 dishes' (food glorious food) followed by The Glee club to watch Ben's Brother perform. I must say I was very impressed. I loved the feel of their music and the lead singer was very talented. I love the Glee Club, it's small, intimate and I always leave with a smile on my face. Unfortunately they only serve cold drinks, so if you're the type of person who gets a bit nippy, I advise you to take a blanket, as hot chocolate is not on the menu. Damn...

I shockingly spotted a celebrity in Starbucks.. well, a big brother winner. Anyway, the boyfriend quietly informed me that Kate Lawler was sat on the next table with two other guys. I think it's funny how you just HAVE to stare, but I didn't want to look as though I was one of those over-enthusiastic big brother worshipers, so instead I sat the other way and pretended as if I hadn't noticed! I contemplated asking for an autograph, armed with a Starbucks napkin, but on second thoughts, it was best to let her enjoy her coffee in peace. Hmmm, I sadly updated my facebook status, informing the world who I had seen. Unsurprisingly nobody commented, as they probably didn't have a clue who she was (after the 15 minutes of fame) Oh well, I'm secretly happy as I thought she was pretty cool back in 2002...

I'm looking forward to starting work. However, I am still waiting for a letter to confirm the days/hours! As you all know, I hate waiting around for answers. I'm very impatient. Hopefully I won't start work on my 21st birthday, as I was hoping for breakfast in bed and a day spent with the handsome man. As it's a new store opening, all of the staff will be new, so I won't feel as nervous and bonding with people will be easier. I'm just happy that I won't be spending most of my time moping around in the house, talking to the dog and obsessively checking facebook. I suppose I'm at that point where I'm desperate to just get on with life. I'm exhausted with worrying and over thinking, so being employed is going to pretty much save me (sounds very dramatic) but days spent indoors is not good for the mind, body and soul...

Right, an hour spent working out, followed by a three hour lavender scented bubble bath?

Indeed.

'It's such a pleasure to write down splendid words - almost as though one were inventing them.' - Rupert Hart-Davis

On Sunday afternoon I found myself at Twycross zoo, completely fascinated with a gorilla. The gorilla sat there, using a stick to tickle his nose whilst playfully rolling around on the grass. I wanted to join him. He seemed so happy, playing in the sunshine without a care in the world...

After my over dramatic couple of days, I was glad to wake up on Sunday morning feeling rather calm. I spent the day with my sister and a friend, went to the zoo armed with a picnic and took loads of lovely pictures (for facebook of course) The boyfriend came round at 6pm, informing everyone of the terrible football result (Arsenal lost once again) You see, I was never into football before, but I have found myself becoming more and more interested. Anyway, to put a smile on Matt's face after the bad news, I handed him a letter that I had wrote for him (expressing my thoughts about why I have been such a moody fuckwit) I enjoy writing letters, they are much more personal than an email. I know he appreciated the fact that I did that. I'm also happy I wrote down all of those things I find hard to put into words face to face...

Tuesday consisted of the usual vogue.com obsession (fashion blog reading and admiring the beautiful people with legs up to here *raises arm to shoulders*) and wishing that one day I could work for a magazine and strut into the office wearing my Manolo Blahniks *sighs* I felt myself fluttering around again, periodically staring at the clock, checking my mobile phone and feeling on edge. I hate waiting for phone calls, especially the job ones. The day seemed to pass by extremely slowly, so to pass the time I relaxed in a bubble bath for 2 hours whilst listening to UB40 songs on my Ipod...

Red, red wiiiiinnnnneeeeeee, goes to my heeeeeeaaaaaaadddd...

As it has been exactly a week since my interview, I decided it was wise to wake at 9am, just incase the manager called informing me of the good or bad news. My house was freezing, so I curled up next to the fire, armed with coffee, the chubby dog and an old episode of America's Next Top Model. Job thinking/searching has seriously sent me into the land of insanity. Of course having spare time to do as I please can actually be fantastic, but I'm a girl who loves to be busy and being home alone can actually be rather depressing. I spent the rest of the afternoon reading ELLE and cleaning underneath my bed (shockingly it had been 3 months since the last time, so I wasn't surprised to be greeted by a handful of dust!) Thankfully at 5:30pm, my mobile started ringing (strange french ring tone that I can't seem to delete) I enthusiastically grabbed my phone, praying that it wasn't my mum calling, to ask if we needed any milk! Thankfully it was a number I didn't recognize, so after doing the usual cough to clear the throat, answer after 3 rings to not appear desperate, I awaited the news...

5 minutes later, I ended the call with a smile. Turns out that I actually got the job! Unfortunately I would have preferred a few more hours, but the simple fact is I am actually employed after months of desperation, depression, tears and tantrums! As it's a new fashion store, it won't be opening till the end of May, but I suppose it gives me the opportunity to purchase a few new clothes and prepare myself for a couple of early mornings. I'm feeling happy and relieved right now. Happy, because I will now be richer, meaning more road trips and the opportunity to save up to go to New York with the handsome man. Relieved, because I will no longer need to browse monster.com, crying at the screen because I cannot find anything worth applying for...

The advice I can give to all of those people who are unemployed is to never give up and always have faith in yourself. I was unemployed for almost 6 months and even though at times I lost confidence and my mind became intoxicated with negative thoughts, I never stopped believing in myself. It's important to always believe in yourself, even if you do not get the job that you were hoping for, there will always be something else out there that is meant for you. So smile as life will always work out in the end...