I wiped my tears and continued to sip my third glass of wine.
I'm not usually the one to turn to alcohol to numb my pain but on this very occasion, the mere taste of it seemed to wash away my worries.
I'll tell you the story...
I met a guy in December 2007. He was Tall, handsome, think Pete Doherty (minus the drugs)and wore cool vintage cowboy boots and played an acoustic guitar. We had crossed paths 10 years previous as he attended my Primary school. The famous 'facebook' got us communicating again, we poked, we emailed, we exchanged numbers and a few months later we were sat drinking coffee and sharing childhood memories. He only lived around the corner from me so it was really easy to carry on meeting up and getting to know each other. I eventually became besotted. I remember him walking me home at 2am, kissing whilst the world slept and realising I was slowly falling in love for the first time. Eventually December waved goodbye and so did 'the guy' as he was returning back to University miles and miles away. After discussing our situation and understanding the fact that our relationship would now become 'long distant', we agreed we were both willing to put the effort into it as being together made us both feel so happy.
I missed him dearly. I missed watching Fawlty Towers whilst drinking tea and eating hobnob biscuits, I missed going for walks with him when darkness filled the sky, I missed listening to him play 'Yes, I am blind' by Morrissey on his guitar, I missed watching him dance to The Smiths whilst his beads around his neck jangled around in time with the music. I missed falling asleep with him. I missed his soul. Of course this only lasted a week or two as I would get on a coach, daydream out of the window, whilst listening to 80s love songs, feeling excited, nervous and relieved to finally be able to see him again.
The second time I traveled to his Uni, of course things were getting more serious because he admitted that he was in fact 'falling in love' with me. I told him I felt the same and we spent the majority of the next 4 days curled up in his bed watching films/comedies and making the most of our time together. I've never felt so happy, everything in my life seemed to finally be piecing together. Quite like a jigsaw.
Continuing to sip my wine, wiping another tear I sat there feeling rather perplexed.
I wasn't expecting it but yesterday evening he told me that he was finding the distance hard, didn't want a long term relationships and felt at ease on his own. Of course he informed me over 'msn', changed his status to SINGLE and deleted every trace of me from his facebook, including our pictures we had recently taken together. I have never been treated that way before and I'm just so confused as to why he would do such a thing to me. I asked the typical 'are you cheating on me' question (as we all do) but he assured me that he hadn't and it was basically him not feeling he can commit to anything long term (coming from the guy who said I love you and I'm the best thing that ever happen to him 10 days ago) I feel angry as he didn't even have the decency to end our relationship on the telephone. The last thing I asked was if he is still coming home for the easter period as I would like to talk to him about this rather than appearing 'offline' and never speaking again.
His reply? 'Yes, but you do realise Sarah that it has ended?'
He was prone to depression (after a bad case of it in 2006) I'm wondering if he's having another breakdown? on drugs? or is basically selfish and doesn't care how others feel.
I was removed from his life, all in the space of 1 hour and my soul has now been left to feel completely empty..
I feel quite numb this morning.
I have all these questions needing answers, possessing my mind and all I can do is accept the fact that my tall, handsome rocker boyfriend is now a distant memory who I will have to forget. It's going to be hard but time is a healer...
Until next time.
