feet

A relaxing bath seemed to clear my mind last night, along with its therapeutic atmosphere. The steam from the hot water penetrated my skin whilst candles flickered in motion with the gentle wind inflowing from an open window.

My emotions at the moment are quite like traffic lights.
I wait at red, wanting answers and unable to have power over the tears that fall.
I get ready at orange, evaluate and control the situation in a mature manner.
I pass through green, I realise I should stay positive, learn to accept and walk away.

I would be lying if I told you that I’ve been coping. I feel extremely hurt. It’s only been 3 days since he expressed himself (online of course) and without an apology, I linger here feeling confused. My emotions flutter around from sadness, anger, frustration and uncertainty but I know I’ll begin to feel anaesthetized in time.

After my relaxing bath I sent ‘him’ a short, polite message on Facebook. Even though he has ignored me for the past few days, I realised that I’m a girl who can face up to problems in life. I’ve learnt that running away is pointless, as you’ll somehow sprint straight back into the crisis and have to conclude in the end even so.
In the message I told him that I don’t hate him and respect his decision. I wanted to clear the air because I dislike ending things on bad terms. Of course I’m not expecting a reply but it just goes to show that I am mature and do not hold grudges, even though he has hurt my feelings and hasn’t even acknowledged them.

After trying to reassure, resolve and clear the issue, I thought to myself that Uni life is hectic, it’s busy and full of new people to meet and get to know. My life is quiet and completely different at the moment, therefore easier to dedicate time and effort to someone I care for. Who knows? things may even change but I’m aware of how hard it can be to hold onto hope, so for now I think it’s best to admit to myself that we simply want different things.

I remember feeling this way about another man. I fell for him in December 2006, he lived in London but agreed to meet and from the minute we spoke about life, our hopes and plans for the future in Starbucks, I was fascinated by him. The ‘romance’ lasted several months until he admitted to me that he was finding the distance hard (Déjà vu right?) so we ended things on good terms and decided to remain friends. We did meet again during the time he was doing a performance in Brighton (actor you see) so I packed a suitcase and spent time catching up on lost time. The relationship was a very confusing one. We liked one another dearly (our pictures still remain on his Myspace page) but of course it would have never worked out because our lives were in different cities, also heading in completely contrasting directions. It was hard but I accepted the fact that ‘we’ could never ‘be’. In October 2007, he decided to perform on a cruise for several months. We exchanged a few messages and then I established it truly was the end. However, he returns home in April and I received a message from him not too long ago, saying that he wanted to meet again. By this time I was in a new relationship with (I’ll call him rocker boy) so I had to update him on my current situation. He seemed genuinely pleased for me and wished me all the happiness.

So, it just goes to show that I do have the ability to repair my own heart, simply by experience, strength and the fact that we have to go through the hard times in order to really appreciate the good in life. Even though two people have broken my heart, I’ve pulled through and am continuing to become a stronger person from it. I used to hide away my feelings, never letting anybody inside. I opened myself up to love and of course, it didn’t go the way I planned this time around but at least I had the courage to fall into it.

Finally, maybe it was better this relationship ended before the summer.
Imagine spending months together, falling even more in love and then having to accept that he would be leaving on a train once again to return to University. It would be so hard to deal with the fact that we wouldn’t see each other, at all really. I would have felt even more hurt after being torn apart from infatuation.

…I’m coping

I know I’ll be ok in time.

PS- I must take note of long distance relationships. They never seem to work.

UPDATE

He replied to my message..
He apologised and said that I'm a beautiful person, he was beginning to love me but just wasn't in the right frame of mind to start a long term relationship. He wants to keep in touch and informed me that everyone I've met thinks the world of me (including him) he admires my maturity and ended it with, I didn't lie to you...I was beginning to love you.

I shed a tear, but a tear of happiness.
I feel like the air has now truley been cleared.
I'm here if he needs a friend.