New york

Waking up next to ‘him’ for the second morning in a row has left me feeling rather content yet confused.

The first time we met since his return home was on Wednesday night at around 11pm. After speaking for a few hours online, he eventually asked ‘do you want me to meet you’. So, with my reply being ‘yes’, I quickly pulled on my tanned Kate Moss boots, wrapped myself in a warm coat and met him in our usual place (next to a tree, half way between our houses lol) I remember seeing him walking towards me, my heart beating faster and it felt as though I was in a dream watching myself act out the scene I have been longing to perform (how melo-dramatic of me)
He seemed shy. I appeared confident (inside I was jelly on a plate) but after a few silences, everything seemed to feel normal between us.

Following one of our usual midnight walks; he invited me back to his house. Like déjà vu, we were sat there eating beans on toast, drinking tea and smiling with every glance. Every so often he would touch my hand and tell me that he had ‘missed me’. I didn’t fall into his arms and recite poetry, instead, I just replied ‘good’. I’m not really a needy person, well I suppose I find it hard to express to somebody just how much I like them. I almost certainly appear as if I do because I seem to talk about love enough. But it’s like an emotional block, the words are glued to my throat and at times I just cannot seem to peel them away.

We needed to talk. He seemed willing to do so.
His words.

‘I was finding the distance really hard, that seriously is the only reason. I felt lonely when you left. One minute you were there and because you’re the only person I feel comfortable with, who can be myself around and when you left to go home, I just felt kind of lost. I thought if I forget ‘us’ then I won’t have that dreaded ‘I miss you’ feeling and can get on with it. I don’t want to loose you, and now coming back home and realising that we have this great bond, just makes me realise what a complete fool I have been. I only have 2 more months at uni and then I’m home for the summer’

…We then kissed. However, we didn’t have sex. He needs to earn it (I don’t give all away too easily) because he really did hurt me, and he should make up his mind. ‘I can’t wait around forever, it’s not fair on me and I can walk away’ were my last words on the subject of our relationship…

Going back to waking up next to him this morning. I had various thoughts playing around in my mind, quite like a broken record. My broken melody being the part of the song where I ask myself ‘are we back together?’ I stared at his wall, picking at the paint whilst he slept with an arm wrapped around my waist. ‘Well, it seems as though we are with the way things are going’ is the last thing he said before we fell asleep. Perhaps I’ve lost some trust and just haven’t got the confidence to rely on his words. A relationship should be based on trust and with a little section missing, I doubt whether I’ll be able to rebuild it so quickly.

I walked home this morning in the rain.
I give up on my umbrella (ella ella ella, my god that song has given me mild turrets!) The wind pushed and pulled me in every direction, my huge black umbrella fighting the storm. The passers by must have thought I looked quite like Mary Poppins on speed…

…So with my wind swept hair, I sit here smiling to myself.
I feel happy because my soul doesn’t feel so lost anymore, the anticipation has disappeared and been replaced with satisfaction.
He leaves next Thursday; I hope I can kiss him goodbye, knowing that we are together once again. If not, I cannot leave my heart dangling on a string. I’d rather it is tied together again but if ‘rocker guy’ refuses to knot it, then maybe I should be the one to say goodbye to him.
(Ross and Rachel, eat your heart out lol)

…to be continued I suppose