I’m in love with the feeling music gives me.
I like how it can stimulate, soothe, heal, touch, caress, capture and mesmerise my soul. You see, I’ve always turned to music when I need to escape from the world. Listening to the melody somehow takes me to another world, the rhythm is left to run freely around my body whilst my penetrated mind fades away, slowly into a dream.
Memories always return to me when I listen to those certain songs. I’m sure you know the ones? the ones from your childhood, first love, first kiss, summer holidays with your friends, or perhaps that song that takes you back to Christmas time, with a glass of wine in your hand whilst singing (screeching) on karaoke?
Keeping on the subject of past memoirs, My dad comes to mind. I vision him wearing a white paint stained t-shirt, he smells like cider and cigarettes. He’s carrying a charming smile as he dances around with his headphones on whilst he mimes to a UB40 song. This is how I will always picture my dad even though I haven’t seen him in 10 years. You see, he drank himself to death in November 1998. I came home from school one cold winter afternoon, to find him gone. Years have passed by and of course he’ll always remain in my heart, even though he’s now just a figure, dancing around in my mind.
Everything I have experienced in my life has made me a stronger person. I self-destruct at times, but after a spoonful of songs I realise that I’ll be ok. Loosing my dad at such a young age has really made me appreciate life and understand just how precious it actually is. Of course we have our highs and lows but why wallow in self-pity when there’s a world out there waiting to be lived?
The week has finally ended.
I was woken up this morning at 6am by James Blunt (radio alarm) whilst he sang his heart out, I was staring at rocker guys paint chipped wall, his arm tightly wrapped around my waist. Ever want a moment to last forever? well, of course this one only lasted for 3 minutes but I felt so content just laying there, feeling the warmth of our bodies entwined and listening to the sound of him breathing. It’s been quite emotional seeing him this week. It made me realise just how much I have missed the little things.
Last night, we walked to his house laughing until we got to his doorstep. He was telling me stories about his Granddad and how baffled he gets when he walks through the door. You see, his style is very ‘Noel Fielding’ and he always asks why he is wearing flowery shirts, skinny jeans and leopard print tank tops! He’s also prone to rummaging around in his Granddad’s wardrobe, the last time I was there I’m sure he stole a pair of shoes, a cardigan and even some braces!! As I type this, I’m smiling to myself. I keep thinking about us together, sitting there watching episodes of ‘Bottom’ with tea and toast. Kissing when everyone falls asleep and him walking me home at 1am, the world silent with just the two of us standing in the middle of the street, singing and him whistling humorously as I walk away.
He left for the train station quite early this morning, after we said our goodbye’s, we walked in opposite directions .I wanted to turn around and go with him but I slowly continued on. I wrapped my scarf around me and watched my feet unwillingly take me further away from him. I realised that if I did turn around, I’d just be watching him walk out of my life again.
My feet finally got me home, the house was quiet apart from the sound of my keys jangling in time with my steps to the kitchen.
Why is a cup of tea always comforting in times of need? Whilst eagerly awaiting the kettle to boil, I smudged my mascara and decided to send him a message. I’m not usually the one to show ‘text-affection’ but I kept it short and sweet. He replied and informed me that his train had been cancelled and that he would have to take another route (back home?) unfortunately not.
So, with every passing minute he travels further and further away, I sit here and gather my thoughts. Instead of feeling depressed with his departure. I’m just going to focus on my own life and not over-think myself into insanity. I’ve accepted that this relationship is far from simple. If we want to see each other earlier than the 8 weeks before the summer period, then he is only a train ride away. I’m choosing Positivity over negativity and skipping through life with a smile.
I will miss him, but until next time…
