It’s been about a week since the last time I saw him.
Days have passed since he headed off for the train station, leaving me to turn around and walk away, for what seems to be the hundredth time this year so far. I won’t lie of course, he has been on my mind constantly. It’s great when we tell ourselves, or should I say fool ourselves to believe that we’ll be able to get on with things in life and somehow block out that ‘I miss you’ feeling. It’s not as easy as that. Liking someone can become an obsession in a way. The mind constantly rewinds itself to play out memories of the two of you together, you listen to songs that remind you of them and you find yourself walking through town in a complete daydream wishing they magically appeared infront of you (quite like the gene from Aladdin) but life isn’t a Disney movie. Most of the time it’s one of those impulsive, on the edge of your seat films that gets your brain over-thinking, wondering and plotting to the point you feel as if it will explode. Then all of a sudden the bad guy turns out to be the good guy and the good guy turns out to be a complete psychotic murderer who sleeps with an axe underneath his pillow.
Life, how volatile?

So, it was around 9am on a sunny Monday morning and I was walking along, listening to my ipod feeling the most content I have felt in a long time. Ever just feel as though you’re floating? I suppose listening to ‘Fly away’ by Lenny Kravitz influenced my mood slightly and I found myself smiling at the clouds. But just as my battery died mid-song (typical, I know) I heard somebody shouting my name from across the road. As I turned around to see who it was, the person was crossing over and heading towards me. The name caller turned out to be ‘rocker guys’ mum!!!! She picked up her pace quickly and greeted me with a morning smile and a ‘hello’. You see, my own Mother has known her for years because me and rocker guy went to the same school, so they had to sit through the school nativity plays, brass band practise etc… also their usual gossiping in the playground, waiting for us kids at 3:30pm. Of course during the Christmas period, he took me to meet her again and I instantly knew she liked me. I’m very good with my instincts and she even used to send me lovely messages to see how I was after losing my job.

Ok, going back to 9am. We stood there in the sunshine for a few minutes. She seemed very interested in my well-being and wanted to know if her son had been contacting me. I was honest and went onto explain that nothing had been sorted and I feel as though I’m left here hanging on. You see, she walked out on the family various years ago and they haven’t really been close since. She’s told me quite a few secrets and I know many things that happened behind closed doors, so her side of the story makes perfect sense. 5 minutes turned into 5 hours and we ended up having a coffee, doing a bit of shopping and even visiting his Granddad. She informed me on a few things and it makes me understand him a little better. I’ll name a few things… Insecure, anti-depressant tablets, feeling lonely, hardly any friends. I suppose it helped to clear my mind a little bit and probably realise that this guy has many issues. You can love someone but in actual fact he is a weak man who has confused my mind and played with my emotions. Of course not intentionally, but if he doesn’t know how to love and understand himself then how can he love and understand me?

So, with all of this information and the feeling of waiting around, wondering what he is thinking and wanting. I decided to confront the situation. I deserve someone who is stable, wants me for me and not someone to cling onto when they feel an emotional wreck. My feelings for him have blinded me and instead of being respected, he has taken advantage of me. When he pushes me away, I ignore him. When he feels lonely, he tells me he misses me because he knows those words bring hope to my emotional mind. I’m a clever person and I can see what he is trying to do. I asked ‘What do you want from me?’, he replied with ‘A friendship I think, well I’m sure it’s for the best’. So after we spent about 30 minutes putting a stop to all of this drama. He even saying ‘you’re free to move on’ (free? I wasn’t a fucking prisoner!) the conversation continued and I told him that I won’t be around in the summer if we’re moving on. And so, the emotional bullying began with the missing me and he can’t bear to not be around me, yet he doesn’t want a relationship. He also mentioned that I can come and see him at Uni if I need a break from things. I mean come on! What for? milk and cookies? He admitted that he hasn’t felt this way about anybody before, he was unsure how to use those feelings so he bottled it (yet is quite happy to break my heart and use me over the Easter period for companionship and sexual favours)

My conclusion is, he is a lost soul. He’s scared to let anyone too close and he pushes them away when something good happens in life. It’s as if he wants to be depressive. Him being insecure hasn’t helped with his confidence and the staying in his room for weeks hasn’t helped with his social skills. He wants to cling on to me somehow, just incase he gets lonely over the summer period. He plays with my emotions because he knows how deeply I like him. He doesn’t want me to move on really. He wants me when it suits him. He’s selfish. He was sorry about hurting me but I thanked him for saving two months of my life, I’ll be able to move on and not wait around. He’s a different person to what I thought he was. It’s amazing how somebody can fake their own happiness, walk around in life pretending everything is ok when in actual fact that have many problems in life behind that forced smile.

I’m half smiling as I type this right now, I know after I have ignored him for a week or so, he’ll try and worm his way back in somehow. But this time, words mean nothing to me. I’ve seen the real him and maybe I should just feel sorry for him because people like that in life will end up miserable and lonely. I don’t deserve to be treated like an idiot. He doesn’t deserve me. His words were right, I am ‘out of his league’…

The End.

….Goodbye Mr Emotional Fuck Witt.