Wearing an over-sized shirt and modeling messy bed-hair, I sit here yet again sipping another cup of herbal tea. I’ve decided to be a tramp today, opting not to wash, leaving yesterday’s neatly waved hair to mould itself into a birds nest, lazing around, watching endless episodes of sex & the city and smelling like Sainsburys flapjacks.
You see, I’m not usually the one to let myself go. I like to be up early, walking in the sunshine with a smile and exploring till my heart’s content. But today I woke up at 11am and simply wanted to do, say and think nothing at all.

I’ve been trying to surround myself with a variety of people, so last night I met up with a friend and decided to hang around at his shared student house. I was expecting they’re to be drunken 20 year olds, smoking weed and scoffing pizza but the place was surprisingly quiet as they have all gone home for the Easter period. Instead of joining in with usual student antics (minus the weed smoking) we both ended up watching CSI and stuffing our faces with chocolate brownies and flapjacks. I did end up complaining (shockingly not about the calories I had consumed) but about ‘Mr emotional fuck-wit’s’ behaviour. I can’t hide away my feelings so I made my friend sit there for an hour whilst I detoxed my thoughts. Also, it was great to get feedback from a male’s point of view.

I know I shouldn’t have, but I logged onto MSN. I have told myself to just ignore him but curiosity got the better of me. I suppose I wanted to know if he would talk to me after our conversation about ending ‘us’ and moving on with our lives. 2 minutes passed and he sent me a message. I kept it civil and after he asked what I was doing, I told him I was with a friend, relaxing and watching CSI. Then, a few more questions followed. ‘Are you having a good night?’, ‘How far are you from home?’, ‘Are you staying over?’. Of course I didn’t want to give too much away, I said that my evening was good and that I’ll be going now. I signed out, made myself a peppermint tea and joined my friend once again feeling slightly smug. For some reason, I want to show him that I’m moving on and not moping around at home feeling sorry for myself.
I know the sadness and hurt is slowly fading away, it’s been a month since we have broken up and my tears have now turned into resentment.

My heart is still healing and probably will be for a while. Instead of fighting my emotions, I’m just going with them. Allowing myself to pass through each phase without feeling pathetic. You see, when he mentioned that I can come and see him anytime I wanted. It’s kind of given me hope that I’ll be able to see him before he returns home in 2 months. Of course I would never act on this, pack my suitcase and spend a few days getting hurt even more. But in a strange way, it’s helping me to move on. I can’t really explain it to be honest, other than knowing he’ll be trying to get inside of my mind again in the next few weeks. I want to turn around and say ‘No’. He expects me to come running into his arms and I want to be able to disappoint him with my sudden change of heart.

This is the second time I have been heart-broken. I thought about my previous heart-ache and realised that I eventually got over this and moved on with my life (which turned out to be even better than before) I’m impatient and wish I could wake up and be completely healed BUT life isn’t as easy as that.

‘I’d rather bleed with cuts of love than live without any scars’ –Alicia Moore.

Tomorrow shall consist of an early morning walk and a coffee date at starbucks.
I get my days when I want to hide away from the world, cry into my hands and over-think myself into insanity. But, in reality we just have to dry our tears and live our lives. I’m so grateful for having an amazing family. I think I would be lost without having their support. They have really helped me on those days where I have moped around and felt sorry for myself. People and fresh air are great for a wounded heart and I make sure I walk my sadness away, return home, hug those I love and appreciate the things I have.

…I think I shall now and relax in a 2 hour bath with candles.