I like the fact that I can be 'Sarah'.
I don't have to pretend to be somebody better.
I don't have to hide behind make-up.
I don't feel the need to shy away or feel insecure.
I can share my thoughts, hopes, dreams and fears.
I can speak my mind and feel confident enough to voice my opinions.
I'm starting to open up, without that fear of getting hurt.
I'm allowing my feelings to take control of me, rather than taking control of my feelings.
I've realised that it's ok to miss someone.
And finally, I'm learning how it feels to fall in love with someone special.
I've had so many highs and lows this year. Those being mainly with jobs, relationships and personal issues. However, right now as I sit here at 11pm on a rainy Saturday night I'm looking back and feeling quite proud of myself for getting through it all. Overall it has made me a stronger person and I now appreciate people, life and love a lot more than I ever have. I'm also more emotionally prepared and if I ever feel lost in the world, I'm confident that I'll be able to find myself.
I traveled to Nottingham for the last time, after work on Saturday evening. Work seemed to pass by quickly and as I'd already taken a small suitcase with me, I got a lift straight into town. But with an hour to spare and the rain falling, I grabbed a honey & granola yoghurt and the latest copy of ELLE mag and sat myself in the waiting room for what seemed like forever. Even though my coach was due at 6:45pm, there was a DELAY so I had to wait an extra 50 minutes before finally leaving. I like the feeling of moving. Whether it being in a car, on a bus, a train or simply walking (maybe I was a wheel in a previous life? Or even a shiny pair of shoes?) The hour and a half to Nottingham seemed to pass in a single blink and I found myself standing in the darkness, waiting for Matt to pick me up....
I always feel a rush of excitement when I see his car driving towards me. I suppose it's seeing his handsome face and realising how much I like him and how happy I feel when I'm in his presence.
Anyway, when we finally arrived at his place. It was good to kick off my heels and finally spend the last weekend in Nottingham curled up next to him. However, the great thing is that he's finally moving back home meaning that he'll only be 15 minutes away....
I've recently read a book called 'Twilight', which was set in a rainy, dark and mysterious place called Forks. A girl called Bella moved to Forks to live with her father and ended up falling in love with Edward (an amazingly handsome vampire) It truly is a fantastic, gripping, fascinating and beautiful read. There are four books in total and I am currently half way through the second book in the series. You see, the brilliant and exciting thing is that it has already been made into a film (which will be out this December) I'm so besotted with the story and I really cannot wait to finally watch it.
I love books. Especially the ones that stimulate my imagination....
I think the rain outside is still falling. There's something so therapeutic about rainfall. I always feel a sense of calm. I'm home alone but it feels really good to be able to write away my thoughts in complete silence.
....Continued Sunday morning
I woke up just before 12 with the biggest urge to continue reading the second book. I took it to work on Tuesday morning and as I took off my coat, I left it on my desk. Before I headed towards the kitchen to make everyone a cup of coffee my boss threw my book at me and said 'You can take that with you too' . You see, sometimes he can be really harsh for no reason at all. He has even started mentioning Matt alot. I told him that this week he has gone on holiday with his parents, to which he replied ' You do realise that he's lying to you and that he is really off having sex with alot of women'. I usually laugh at his comments, but there are becoming increasingly personal. Whenever I mention my boyfriend or the fact that I'm happy, he turns it into something negative and makes out that I'm pathetic. I did shut him up the other day when I replied with 'Just because you're depressed and stuck in a rut of only having sex on a Sunday afternoon because your wife is bored of your ''2 minute'' performances and is probably off with your best friend anyway' he was then quiet for the rest of the day and didn't ask me to put the kettle on. You see if I haven't made him a cup of tea by 9:30am, he picks on everything I do throughout the day (even the way I staple paper together). Lately, it's as if he's trying to push me to see if I would actually walk out.
...So that's why this morning I have applied for another job.
My friend Rob's life reminds me of Dawson's Creek. He is forever falling in love, falling out of love and searching for the perfect 'girl next door'. He called me last week just as I was heading to town and sounded quite depressed over the phone. Turns out that he met a girl who had a boyfriend but they got really close and he ended up falling in love with her. The girl seemed to lead him on (such as staying over at his house, going on dates etc) of course there must have been alot of tension and he even told her that he wanted her more as a friend. Anyway, she stayed over at his place and I suppose as she was in his bed things got a little bit too much for him and he tried to kiss her. The evening didn't end well as she went completely mad at him and has ignored him ever since.
You see, I don't understand girls like that. Men are so blind to see. She was obviously enjoying the attention because she was more than likely having 'relationship problems' and well, Rob is one of those guys that would do anything for you. So of course she took advantage of that. He told her how he felt and she would still continue to stay over etc. I'm really loyal as a person and even if my relationship wasn't going too well, I would have to mention something. I doubt she truly liked him, I think she just enjoyed having someone being there and calling her beautiful. It's ashame because Rob is now moping around, missing her. I did try and cheer him up. I took him to Starbucks and listened to the story over and over for a good hour and a half. No matter how many times I tried to make him feel better, he would sit there silently and pre-occupied with his thoughts. Hmmmm heartache, I know the feeling. But it's a good thing I strongly believe in the quote 'Time is a healer'....
I miss Matt. Usually I try and run away from the feeling and try and pretend to myself that I'm fine and get on with my life without that strong need to see that person. But the funny thing is over the past couple of months I'm enjoying the feeling of liking someone alot. I like the fact that I get excited of the thought of him and counting down the days to spend time with him again. At first, I was trying my hardest not to like Matt. It's not because I didn't like him. It was all because I was afraid to like him. I remember the time when I realised that I let down my guard and accepted the fact that I was falling for Matt. It was when I had just woken up, he made me a herbal tea and kissed my head. He smelt like mint and wore only his cosy pair of Grey trousers. When he wondered off to the bathroom. I just remember sitting there, feeling happy and accepting the fact that he was really getting inside of my head....
Until Next Time.
