The life of a herbal tea drinking daydreamer...

I woke up at 9am this morning to the annoying sound of the boyfriend's alarm. He had work, therefore he unenthusiastically made his way to the bathroom (after rearranging the quilt so that I stayed nice and warm) *sighs*. My 17 year old, dirty dancing soundtrack loving brother annoyingly stole his socks, therefore I had to search everywhere for a clean pair. Why is it that when you are desperately searching for something, you can never find it? However, I did manage to find a pair (even though one sock was longer than the other) BUT it was those or a cute pair of pink Winnie the pooh ones...

I'm sitting here at home, sipping jasmine tea, the house is extremely quiet and the dog is fast asleep by the fire. I'm HAPPY! It's raining outside and here I am all lovely and warm. I can spend the day applying for jobs, daydreaming about my university course and listening to Kings of Leon! *smiles*

As part of my new years resolution I decided to achieve something new each month. So, as it's almost the end of January, I should now look back over the past 4 weeks. Hmmm, OK so I didn't manage to get a job (just yet) BUT I did finally get an interview (which will actually be in February) but I suppose I used my positive mind to FINALLY apply for something. I got those days when I walked around feeling utterly depressed (contemplating suicide with a plastic tesco bag) but I had the strength to pull myself out of it and realise that 2009 will be the year I finally start living again, achieving my dreams and get to spend another amazing summer with the one I love...

Hmmm, what happened to talking on the phone? writing letters? meeting up for coffee and a chat? MY friendships now consist of 11pm, MSN and blurred vision(!)

After browsing through a variety of backstage photographs on vogue.com...
...I fell in love with a scarf

I'm in a peaceful mood tonight, as I sit here listening to 'Banana pancakes' by Jack Johnson, whilst thinking about the things that make me smile (herbal teabags, the boyfriend, fashion shows and rocky road bars) My day has been quite uneventful, as I found myself just skipping around trying to keep my mind occupied. I contemplated painting the hallway, but as the paint brushes were stuck together and smelt a little strange, I opted out. It's as if that dude from ART ATTACK had attacked the brushes with several bottles of PVA glue. So, instead I made a list of the things I want to achieve this year...

1) Be a GEEK and study, study, study (A* student please!)
2) To put money into my savings account(hopefully Christmas can be spent in New York)
3) Continue my driving lessons (Yes, I'm 20 years old and I still cannot drive) *sighs*
4) To take a class in my spare time! ballet, creative writing or yoga?
5) ..and to somehow try and charm my way into getting FREE Krispy Kreme doughnuts(!)

Anyway, I shall be attending an interview next week (fingers crossed I get this job) I need some form of routine in my life once again and of course MONEY. I miss going on my little weekend road trips, exploring different cities and staying at travelodge for only £19 a night (BARGAIN). I'm really independent and like to pay for things myself. Of course I appreciate just how much my family/boyfriend have helped out, but it got to the point where I couldn't even afford to purchase a £3 cup of coffee! *cringe*

I was stalking people on facebook (as we all do of course) and I was utterly shocked with how many people on my friends list aged 20-23 have children (mostly single parents) I'm quite a traditional girl and think it's really important to live life, follow your dreams and experience the world, without having that sort of responsibility. Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a baby, alot of them are probably brilliant mothers, but to picture myself in their shoes... scares me! My mother had her first child aged 20 back in 1985. I remember when I was growing up, she would always tell me to 'chase my dreams' and encourage me to follow my happiness and to get a good education. She didn't want me to follow the pattern of becoming a 'young mother'. I didn't either. I would rather spend my twenties feeling free, skipping around the world and discovering my true happiness. Of course one day I want a family of my own, but I believe it is so important to bring a child into the world with two parents who are mature enough to cope, are financially comfortable, have a lovely home and a cute chocolate Labrador puppy! (preferably a chubby one that likes to fall asleep by the fire) I know nothing is perfect in life and never will be, BUT I just want to give my children the best life possible. Rather than having an alcoholic father who kills himself aged 34 and then grows up feeling lonely, lost and shy UNTIL 10 years later, they finally learn how to accept and begin to live life again... *sighs*

Hmmm, I'm in love with Alexa Chung. She always looks so effortlessly 'cool'...

...beautiful

I'm sipping chamomile tea to help make me feel sleepy. Hmmmm, everything is controlled by the mind, so perhaps it doesn't actually make me feel tired. We only think this because it's what we have read or heard (I now sound like Derren Brown) I might tell my mind that this magical tea will help keep me awake for a few more hours, as I'm busy browsing vogue.com and staring at the beautiful people with 'legs upto here' (raises arm to head) I always wish I were a little bit taller. I'm 5'6, but I suppose being this height allows me to 1) wear ridiculously large heels to make me 5'10 for the evening 2) I can be cute in my slippers and embrace the midget in me AND 3) my boyfriend is 6'1 so it makes him feel rather tall...

My favourite designer is 'Stella McCartney' (such ashame I cannot afford her clothes!) but I love how beautiful her designs are. They are wearable, sophisticated, sexy and really compliment a woman's beauty. I've just been watching the Spring/Summer 09 fashion show and I have fallen in love with this little black dress...

...daydreams

As the boyfriend's parents were in Dublin at the weekend, he picked me up on Sunday evening and I spent the night at his place. Our houses are the complete opposite. My family are hyperactive and it's more like a student house as everyone is currently studying (books, papers, pens, laptops everywhere!) As there are 5 of us living here, it's always LOUD! His house is extremely QUIET. He lives with just his mum and dad. Everything is always neat, organised and routined. I'm not allowed to stay over at his place. His parents are in their 60s, so of course there are different rules etc. My mum is completely fine with boyfriend's staying over (we had 'the chat' many years ago now) which is great, because I get to fall asleep and wake up next to him a couple of times a week. I like spending time at his house. It's great to escape the 'MADNESS' of mine. I can simply just sit down, relax without having my 17 year old brother shouting 'I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!' when he can't find his pot of hair wax (I hide the knives instead!)

I received an email from a job I applied to about 3 weeks ago (about fucking time) As I am now desperate for employment, I have applied for everything and anything. It's only for the next 7 months until University...

Dear Sarah,

Hmmmm... I don't care if it involves picking up puppy poo, I need a job ASAP hehe.

There is something so therapeutic about walking in the early morning sunshine. Maybe it's the fresh air?, the sound of the birds singing? or that gentle breeze that teases your hair?...

I wrapped myself in a warm coat and scarf and headed out at 9:30am. Everything felt really peaceful outside. The trees danced in time with the wind and the sunshine seemed to wrap itself around me, encouraging me to smile. I wasn't alone, as my sister walked beside me, keeping me company as I attended my Doctor's appointment (don't worry I'm not dying..contraception needs you see!) I remember as a child, I was always so eager to see the Doctor. It's as if it were a game. The one who is 'sick' gets to intoxicate themselves with delicious strawberry medicine and is allowed to have a couple of days off school to watch Disney films all day long. Perfect...

After my appointment, we ended up sitting in an old cafe, eating tea & toast and having a chat about the usual life, love and future plans. I got marmalade all over my fingers, along with crumbs over my lap (messy eater you see) I kept looking around, noticing just how much the cafe has changed since my childhood days. I remember sitting by the window, sipping ribena without a care in the world. The only thoughts on my mind were fantasying about toys. Fast forward 10 years and life plays on my mind, wondering who, what, where and why. Even though I'm feeling alot more positive, I still worry. Sometimes I want to scratch away my problems, regurgitate my insecurities...

I have realised that we are all equally insecure. We point, prod and pick on ourselves when really we should be thanking our faces for expressing our emotions, thanking our feet for helping us walk to our destinations, thanking our hands for being able to feel, stimulate and capture the world. And last but not least thanking our eyes for allowing us to see the ones we love, the beauty of the world and a window for our souls...

Imagine if the entire world was actually peaceful? No war, No poverty, No murder, No rape, No self-destruction, No need to hate. The vision I see when I close my eyes and picture life as 'harmony' is just like the scene from The Secret Garden. Clear blue sky's, nature at its prettiest, smiling people holding hands and an atmosphere filled with happiness and laughter.
Sometimes I do wish a world like that existed but I suppose in life we have to experience the bad in order to really appreciate the good...

I like to make people feel positive and happy. Maybe I have seen self-destruction happen and I now make sure I go in the complete opposite direction and stand myself around the confident, out-going and content people. I know what it's like to feel like a total failure in life, I know what it's like to see a total failure in life disappear but with my 'Peace on earth' speech I wish we could all be those strong minded individuals who pick ourselves and each other up, when all things come crashing down. However, maybe sometimes we just have to find our own way but it's great to know that there is that support around us when all we simply need is a shoulder to cry on...

I love the ocean, clouds, trees, crunchy leaves and all things that smell lavender(ish) Sometimes it’s great to simply admire earth and focus on its beauty. Some people can be too blind to see it. I actually love how unpredictable the weather is. One moment the sun kisses us all and we are walking around with our head in the clouds and the next, a storm breaks out and we are left running to find shelter (preferably underneath a Starbucks roof) Hmmm, nature is a free Art Exhibition…

I have finally escaped my past. People, places, feelings and needs. Those have all faded with time and the clean slate is now awaiting the chalk to start all over again. That's how I see my life, little sketches, doodles, writings, notes and pictures that all pile up over time. When everything seems too cluttered in my mind, I can simply rub them out or tear them apart...

Goodnight.

I wonder how many hours of my life I have spent sitting in Starbucks with a coffee?
Yesterday I was sat in one in Covent Garden, sipping a vanilla latte after a busy day in London with Matt and two of his friends. We ended up going to the museum (full of dinosaurs, stuffed animals and a rather interesting Darwin exhibition) and then had a lovely meal at wagamama (finally a place where the green tea is FREE) The tube wasn't too busy at 8:30pm when we finally headed back to Ealing to get the car. However, two pretty women stepped on in their designer shoes, handbags and suits. I overheard a conversation between the two of them (I'm quite positive they worked for a fashion magazine) so I sat there, engrossed. I'm quite a nosy person at times, but because it's my DREAM to work for Vogue I could have listened to them talk about 'deadlines, fashion shows and skinny models' for hours (I want your shoes pretty tube lady!!)

The car was FREEZING by the time we arrived at Ealing, so I wrapped my scarf around me tightly and rubbed my arms continuously. We turned the radio on whilst eargerly waiting for the car to warm up. I craved a hot drink at this point, something warm to sip and to hold in my hands. I always love traveling home after a lovely day out in the city. Matt sings along to 'death cab for cutie', I daydream out of the window whilst he rests his hand on my leg. From time to time I look over at him, smile to myself and then look away. Being in love makes me feel all 'weak at the knees' and I find myself just staring at his handsome face, falling into a different world (I can be so cheesy at times!) *sighs*...

It's 12:50am. I'm wide awake, thinking about my life. It's as if I cannot physically sleep, as my mind refuses to. My home life is OK. My mum is currently studying, so assignments take up most of her time. She's a hippy mum, into her aromatherapy and acts like a 20 year old (most of the time) it's good in some ways, as I find it incredibly easy to talk to her about pretty much everything, but then again it would actually be better for me if she were a little stricter. I get away with ALOT. My eldest sister is also studying, so her time consists of assignments, pizza, beer and coming home at 2am (a tad tipsy) she is stubborn but so down to earth. My other sister is also currently at university. She's slightly dramatic (drama student you see) incredibly generous and is always there when I need a shoulder to cry on. However, she more or less lives with her boyfriend, so I don't see her as much as I would like to. My brother is almost 18, hyperactive and has just discovered 'The gym'. He enjoys baking cakes, listening to 'The dirty dancing' soundtrack but is surprisingly NOT gay...

As for ME, well I'm constantly walking around the house wearing nothing but an old man's shirt. I try to re-create the Mary-Kate Olsen 'scruffy tramp' look (but end up actually looking like a tramp) I'm always holding a cup of herbal tea, pulling my nipples and constantly wanting to speak to a family member about how 'depressed' I am feeling with the 'lack' of job situation. When I'm bored, I either pinch the dog, masturbate (not at the same time of course) put on classic 80s rock ballads and dance around like an idiot, stalk people on facebook (yes, we are all guilty of this) read fashion magazines and contemplate starving myself, but then I find a cake in the fridge and refuse to follow the trend, stare at Angelina Jolie pictures and feel slightly smug, as I've been told on a few occasions that I look like her (hmmm maybe it's the full lips?)

Sarah... the girl who daydreams far too much.

Waking up at 4:30am yesterday morning was actually quite easy (after 2 cups of strong coffee of course) the reason why I was up before the birds started singing, was because I was off to London with my sister and her boyfriend. He needed to go on business, so we thought it was a great idea to spend 6 hours skipping around the city whilst he had his meeting at The Marriott hotel. We all got into the car at 6am, speeding up the motorway whilst listening to 'The Chris Moyles Show' (I always sing it when I say it) It took over 3 hours to finally get there (damn traffic!) so we parked in Mayfair-Marylebone and headed to Pret for breakfast. I've always loved London. There is just something about the city that makes me smile. I like busy places full of life, excitement, oh and of course Oxford Street (my kind of heaven) After breakfast, we walked the business man to his destination and then my sister and I headed off to explore. We decided to stay in the area just incase she got a call from her boyfriend informing her his meeting has finished earlier than expected. Also, to save money on buses, tubes etc (save the student pennies of course) We ended up walking to 'Madame Tussauds' (only a mile away) and spent a couple of hours taking (silly) pictures of ourselves with the celebrity wax models. I must say, Jim Carey was by far the most realistic...

'I sold my dead bird to a blind kid!'

A couple of hours later, we went to a cafe to rest our poor feet and to warm ourselves up with a nice bowl of tomatoe & basil soup. It was really nice to spend the afternoon with my sister. She more or less lives with her boyfriend, so I don't see her as much as I would like to. The great thing is we are still so close, I think I would be lost without her advice at times. She has helped me through alot over the years with my problems, worries and 'emotional breakdowns'. Anyway, with my feet rested we waved goodbye to London at 3:30pm, armed with a fashion magazine, a milky bar and finally the chance to catch up on some much needed sleep...

I'm listening to Alanis Morissette. I would seriously go insane if I couldn't play 'jagged little pill' when I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I remember the first time I heard this album, I must have been around 8 years old. Funny how 12 years later, I still play the same songs over and over, my favourite being 'You learn'. Her songs truly are addictive and inspirational...

My boyfriend told me last night that he has been applying for jobs in New York. He studied there for his second year of university, and wants to eventually move there in the future. Hmm he told me that he wouldn't want to move over there just yet and is simply doing the applications for experience. Of course I had to have a discussion about it. I just don't think a relationship will work if you're in different places. It becomes stressful and really hard. Don't get me wrong, I would always encourage him to follow his happiness and think it's great that he has plans for the future, but my own happiness is by far as important. I would honestly hate that feeling of missing him, knowing that I wouldn't be able to see him. It may work for other people, but from experience I know that I would find it extremely hard to deal with. He told me that he would only go, if I went with him. Of course I would be willing to do that, as I truly believe in this relationship but for the next 3 years, I have university to think about and sorting out my own life. This relationship is serious and I know we have to make various sacrifices. This is the first time I have opened up to someone and of course fallen in love, so of course it's been playing on my mind a little today...

Reasons why I hate being me today...

1) Periods. Especially when it arrives 5 days early.

It's currently 1:05am and once again, I'm awake. My boyfriend is fast asleep behind me (snoring slightly) he's had a busy week traveling with the American so he's officially exhausted (I think he drove 1,500 miles altogether) Hmmm, I wonder if he'll wake up? I'm in the mood to scratch his head and make silly noises. I've just taken off my make-up (thank the lord for LUSH products) made myself a jasmine tea and am now swinging from side to side on the desk chair (that has a wonky leg) Does anyone else type LOUD? maybe it's because the room is filled with silence, but right now it feels as if I'm banging the keyboard! I just don't know what to do with myself (white stripes?) maybe I should simply log off, turn the light off and curl up next to the handsome man asleep in my room? OR write about the time I wet myself, aged 6 years old, wearing a bright pink minnie mouse outfit in the school hall? (oooooh, the shame!)

Oh, I actually found my perfect home.

... and so a new year begins

Thinking back to 2008, I had such an emotional year. Whether it being falling in lust, getting my heart broken, loosing jobs and then finally falling in love for the first time. I usually block out my feelings, run away or convince myself that I'm just being a fool, but 2008 was the year that I finally realised that I'm only human after all. Since my dad passed away in November 1998, I've been numb to life. I found a way to cope and that was to completely close off. Back in 2007, I found myself jumping from one guy to the next, without a care in the world. I was afraid to open up and let anybody inside, so I would always end up either pushing them away, or allowing them to take advantage. When I look back, I can barely recognise myself. I constantly felt lonely, but it's as if I needed to protect myself all the time. My daydreaming was a way of 'escaping' from reality. Of course daydreaming is perfectly normal, but mine was a way of life. I faced reality 10 years ago on a freezing cold November afternoon, staring at my dead father dressed all in white, in a coffin. I remember looking at him, desperately wanting him to wake up and for it all to have been a bad dream. Inside I was screaming, but I remained quiet. That image has haunted me. Seeing that was like a kick in the stomach, it's as if I was being punished. I cried for 3 months straight. At school, I would go to the toilet during class to just sit there alone and let my tears fall for a few minutes. My world was falling apart...

As they say time is a healer, but it's taken me 10 years to finally open up my eyes to life again. I've realised that being numb stops you from experiencing many things, including love. When I finally got together with Matt in June 2008, I knew that for the first time I was finally breaking down all of those walls that I once surrounded myself with. He helps me with career options, has alot of patience, listens and understands me, cares deeply and I appreciate him so much. Of course love is hard at times, but it's worth fighting for. We've had our ups & downs but I've never doubted or questioned my feelings for him. I'm a very strong person, and I know that I can cope with anything that is thrown at me. I'm 21 this year, and am growing up. I don't want to hide away in the background, observing the world. I want and will be the girl that grabs life with both hands, travels to different cities (intoxicated with coffee, hand in hand with the handsome boyfriend) and finally (after a year of saying) will go to University this October. You can do anything you put your mind to, it's all about having the confidence to get out there and go for it...

I've decided to be more serious in life (of course with the important parts) I'm not going to walk around and frown at the word 'fun'. I'm thinking more career-wise. It's the one part of my life that needs to be sorted out. Instead of 'hoping' it will simply fall into place, I must get off my (pert) bottom and simply work hard!...

...2009 (so far)

I woke up on January 1st (after a few glasses of wine the night previous) cuddled up next to the boyfriend. New years eve consisted of an Indian meal, followed by drinking games and MORE food at one of his friends house. I really enjoyed myself because 1) I got to steal most of the quality street chocolates 2) It felt nice to spend new years away from home and Jools Holland AND 3) I got to kiss Matt at midnight. New years day consisted of a lazy afternoon at his parents house, watching an old James Bond film. I still think that Sean Connery is by far the best BOND, but I must say the hottest girl is Barbara Bach who played 'Anya Amasova' in 'The Spy who loved me' (you see, the great thing about having a boyfriend, is the fact that I get to learn all about 007!)

So far the new year has been full of exploring (armed with camera's, cheese cobs and an American) As one of Matt's best friends is over from New York for the week, I've been on a few day trips. Tuesday, we drove to Cardiff, had a tour of The Millennium Stadium, skipped around the city, sipped chocolate chip latte's and had dinner at the hardrock cafe (I'm still so devastated that they shut down the one in Birmingham!)

Thursday, we drove to Liverpool (eh eh eh eh) I was so amazed by the cathedral, it's so breath taking and beautiful! We walked around the dock (sniffing the air that smelt like fish & chips) relaxed in Costa for a while, with a hot chocolate (yes, with calorie infested cream on top) Ooooh, and I saw Zak from Hollyoaks in the shopping centre. I was tempted to say 'Oh, you're that guy from hollyoaks!' but I didn't want to look like a fool if he replied with 'Me? no way eh eh' (it was definitely him though, I think...) Hmmm, why do alot of the girls in Liverpool wear so much make-up? Most of them were naturally pretty, but hid their faces behind 10 layers of thick foundation (I was tempted to hand a few of them a packet of facial wipes) Anyway, a couple of hours later, the boyfriend drove us to Chester. We strolled around, went into LUSH. Matt sniffed glitter soap and got covered in the stuff (Gary Glitter eat your heart out) we walked across the Roman walls, taking photographs of the views and admiring the old buildings. After walking around for an hour or so, I completely fell in love with the place. It felt so welcoming and relaxed. I love the history, the beautiful buildings such as the cathedral and the roman walls. Ever been to a place that makes you feel all warm inside? (hmmm, maybe I was a roman guard in another life, who had to stand at the watch tower at night????)

I'm looking forward to the weekend. As Matt has been quite busy, driving around England with Diego (the American) we haven't had the chance to spend time alone together. The great thing is, I know this week has been good for us both. We've realised just how much we love, miss and appreciate everything about one another. I'm just so happy that here we are, in January 2009 and still completely inseparable.

I love you.

Until Next Time.
x