The life of a herbal tea drinking daydreamer...

'Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours'

'I just don't know what to do with myself' is the soundtrack of my life. It's 6pm on a Tuesday afternoon and the only productive thing I have done all day is log onto blog.co.uk to write my 72nd blog. That's seventy two pages of my laughter, hopes, dreams, tears, fears and absolutely perplexing poppycock. However, writing is my form of escape, so if I didn't express my thoughts, I'd feel trapped inside of myself...

Even though boredom has intoxicated me, I'm actually feeling OK. No depressive mood swings or the urge to cut my wrists with a razor (thank fuck for calming chamomile tea) oh and of course those classic 1990s films such as 'Father of the bride', 'Three men and a little lady' and my all time favourite 'One fine day' with the handsome George Clooney. I will never get fed up of those movies, even though they are slightly cheesy, I love them dearly...

It's so important for me to keep my mind busy, if not I end up walking from room to room, contemplating running away to the land of nowhere. I feel happy, angry, frustrated and over-excited all at the same time. My emotions all tangled together, as if I need to laugh yet cry. Hmmmm women are such strange creatures! The months seem to be passing by quickly, therefore uni is rather close. I'm excited to finally get on with my life/career and to put my all into it. I need to keep my focus and try not to let it slip away. I hate battling with my tears. Negativity can be so suffocating, therefore I'm continuing to intoxicate myself with optimism...

I know what it feels like to be in love. So I completely understand why my mum wants to spend all of her time with her boyfriend, daydreaming and floating around. He lost his job over Christmas time, therefore he spent most of his time at my house. He is a lovely guy and he makes my mum incredibly happy, so of course I like him as my mum's happiness is extremely important to me. However, there were times when I felt slightly ignored. I was pretty depressed from December- February, so my negativity affected my state of mind and everything happening in my life. They would spend hours in the kitchen, drinking rose wine and giggling with one another (this being 5 days a week) or they would spend the whole evening upstairs. The house began getting more untidy, as my brother seemed to overtake it with his gym equipment. To avoid an argument, my mother would just allow him to leave his weights in the lounge and give him permission to do as he pleased. This infuriated me, as he would continue to bully everybody and walk around as if he owned the place. However, my mum's boyfriend has recently got himself a new job so he's not going to be around as much, as he has to drive all over England, meaning he won't be able to stay over. It's as if everything has changed overnight, as my mum spent the whole day cleaning and then cooked us all a home-made Shepard's pie, with fruit cake for desert. She just seems to be around alot more, acting slightly like a 1950s housewife. Am I being selfish? because I like having her downstairs, spending time with us all, rather than having to knock on her bedroom door (just incase I disturbed them both) if I needed to speak to her...

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the weekend (James Morrison gig and a little road trip to London/Oxford) Hmmm delightful. So, with my slice of fruit cake and a cup of Yorkshire tea, I think I'll watch another movie and smile. After all, life is far too short to frown...

Vanity is so secure in the heart of man that everyone wants to be admired: even I who write this, and you who read this - Blaise Pascal

After two beautiful days spend with the handsome boyfriend, I am now sitting here with the dog, a cup of Yorkshire tea whilst writing a list of the important things I need to do over the next couple of months. Such as, organize a writing portfolio for university, sort out finances, accommodation, driving lessons. The list is endless, but all of which needs to be sorted out asap. As a scatterbrain, I'm not great at organizing my life. I'm usually the one to let it all fall into place, but I've realised that some things need to be planned.

Yesterday, the boyfriend and I stayed in bed till midday (my idea of heaven) but after breakfast, we decided to venture into the city. I like the fact that we both love lazy afternoons walking around, relaxing in coffee shops (as he pinches my cheeks and calls me Orville the duck, thanks) and basically just enjoying the simple things in life. We did venture into NEXT, as he needed to try on a suit for work. I must say, I think I fell in love with him all over again, as he stood there looking like James Bond in a black tailored suit *sighs*. All of a sudden, I had a vision of our wedding day. Seeing him looking so smart made me picture him standing there, waiting for me to walk up the aisle (I'm sure all us girls have these thoughts??) however, even though we do openly talk about getting married in the future, I didn't say anything and just let the thoughts happily play in my mind. An hour later whilst we were in the car driving back home, I told him I thought he looked great in the suit! (as I heard the sound of bells) he then turned to face me and replied 'Good, because that's what I'll look like on our wedding day!'

Hmmm, I'm sure he can read my thoughts...

I'm flicking through 'The Norton anthology- English Literature' and desperate to start studying once again. It's been over two years since the last time I completed an assignment. The last one being on Greek Mythology (I picked the story 'Athena's birth' and had to turn it into a dance/drama performance) I was 17/18 at the time and I would quite easily get A's. However, I lost concentration, so ballet classes seemed to turn into a burden, rather than important training to gain strength in my performances. I was still young, figuring out what I wanted to do in life. I don't regret studying performing arts at all, as I've gained confidence and discipline, which have stayed with me since. However, I now realise that I needed to have those two years to mature and to really find out who I am and what I want in life. I'm almost 21 and for the first time in my life, I feel in control of myself and I know what makes me feel deeply happy. At times when I hear Jazz music, I picture myself dancing in the studio without a care in the world. However, there are always lessons if I ever miss it a little too much (good job I still have my dance shoes)...

Hmmm a Maryland cookie and my second cup of Yorkshire tea. Everything feels cosy as the house is quiet, the fire is keeping everyone warm and because I've had a great two days, I'm left feeling content. I'm looking forward to April, as I have the James Morrisson and Jason Mraz gig, another American friend of the boyfriend's is coming over to visit (meaning a fun trip to London/Oxford) and of course it's Easter (chocolate eggs galore) Even though it's currently raining outside and I only have £5 to my name, I'm keeping this positive attitude towards life and shall continue to smile, as things can and will only get better...

A two hour relaxing bath spent exfoliating, cleansing, moisturising with pretty LUSH products (whilst reading Twilight?)

Indeed.

Vanity is sweet.

An optimist is the human personification of spring - Susan J. Bissonette

I've fallen in love with red lipstick. I feel like a 1940s Hollywood starlet, as I blot my ruby lips, flick my wavy hair and step out into the sunshine. I seem to be daydreaming again, but it's amazing how a £3.50 lipstick from boots, can make me feel 'oh so glamorous'. I have to live 'cheap and cheerful' at the moment, so gone are the days when I used to quite happily spend £180 online on MAC make-up (I say as I wipe a tear) but I do have enough MAC foundation to last me a life time (6 bottles in fact!) so therefore, I don't have to panic just yet...

I had a dream last night that I worked as a waitress in New York. I lived in a small apartment full of books, fashion magazines, shoes and vintage clothes and worked on the evening in a cool jazz bar (think fosse) all dark, smokey and surrounded by the stimulating sound of saxophones. I love those dreams that feel real. I woke up convinced it was my life. However, my mum came in a few minutes later and thanked me for her Mother's Day gift (a box full of LUSH products and a bar of Greens & Blacks dark cherry chocolate) so my cool, jazzy dream turned out to just be a dream *sighs*...

I found myself running along in the rain this afternoon in my 5 inch heels, armed with an annoyingly bent umbrella. I was on my way to meet my sister for lunch in town whilst fighting with nature, as the wind blew my hair, the rain splashed my face and my only form of shelter seemed to also be against me. When I finally reached my destination (looking slightly like a drowned rat) I was greeted by a family friend, waving and calling us over to the table by the window. As it's my sister's 22nd, we all decided to meet and have a good old gossip over apple pie. Delicious. We sat there for over 2 hours. It was lovely to spend time with people, periodically stare outside to watch the rain fall and to just simply laugh, without a care in the world...

I left feeling very content.

'Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be'

Life IS what we make it. If we walk around with a frown and let negativity intoxicate our mind, body and soul then we won't have the ability to chase life, be optimistic and skip around the world with a smile. I've realised this week that my state of mind affects everything. I now think the glass is half full, rather than half empty...

It's 11:30am. The boyfriend left for work a couple of hours ago, so with the sun shining, I'm sitting here, wearing his red hoody (yet again) and nibbling on ginger cake, as there was a little piece left smiling at me in the kitchen. Greedy? Indeed. Unfortunately I have nothing amazing to report as 1) I still sit here unemployed 2) I still need a new dress for spring/summer and 3) I still haven't won the lottery. Oh well, I'm not going to sulk about it as I know in 7 months time, my life will take a turn for the better...

I had a quiet, calm and relaxed afternoon in the city yesterday. For the first time in months, I could actually wear a dress without needing my warm granny tights (thank god for St Tropez) and instead of my usual trip to Starbucks, I shockingly ventured into 'Pret a manger' for a healthy smoothie. As it's Mother's day and my sister's birthday, it was my mission to purchase gifts. So most of my afternoon was spent skipping from Clinton's to Boots to Thornton's to LUSH to Selfridges and then finally home. My evening consisted of a cinema trip with the boyfriend to watch 'Watchmen' (which I must say was the strangest film I've ever watched! Startrek? Porn? Sin City? I haven't a clue) we went back to mine after, watched a few basketball games (March Madness you see) and then fell asleep...

Maybe I should start focusing on myself a little more? re-discover the things I love. I do look forward to seeing my boyfriend alot, and the reason why I felt angry a few days ago (we had a little row over msn) was because most of my time consists of job searching, skipping around the city and trying to occupy my mind. Therefore, on the days I see him, it instantly makes me feel better because it's as if I can forget about all those worries and just spend the day together, smiling. I think our relationship would be stress-free if I worked, as we would have more money to go places, I wouldn't have my 'quiet' moments and I would feel alot more independent. However, we always seem to get through the hard times, which must prove that we are a strong couple. It's all about balance. Spending time together, spending time apart, going to work, going out with friends, having time to yourself etc...

As I have so much spare time on my hands, I have completely forgotten what it's like to have a job/routine. After working my 8 hour shift at the Opticians, I remember wanting to just go home, take off my heels and relax with a cup of tea and sex & the city all evening. And of course, sometimes my boyfriend must also feel this way and just want's to put his feet up, watch American sports and have some time to himself...

I love the sunshine. It instantly puts me in a good mood as 1) I can wear my £2 shades from Primark and pretend I'm important 2) Picnics in the park with cheese cobs and cupcakes!! and 3) The delightful smell of freshly cut grass *sighs*

Hmmmm do you think the Ice cream van music will ever change??
I hope not. It's a classic...

'Life is like jelly beans, and sometimes you get your favorite colour'

After watching comic relief, I'm asking myself why I'm moaning about my life? There are so many people in this world dying and living in extreme poverty, and I have cried thousands of tears over simply not having a job. Does that make me slightly selfish?...

I need to start taking care of myself alot more. Previously I have been a complete health freak, always eating healthy meals, exercising for atleast 45 minutes a day and having plenty of sleep. Because I've been stressed lately, it's affected everything. My appetite has disappeared, therefore I'm probably only eating 700 calories a day. This results in lack of energy, so I end up sleeping for a couple of hours in the afternoon. As I've slept, I'm awake till 3am (more than likely nibbling on branflakes) Health is so important, so if I continue this way, I'll end up being 7 stone, sleep deprived and extremely unhappy. Hmmmm, somebody pass me a big bag of jellybeans please?...

Armed with my CV's, I decided to head into the city again. Like deja vu, the sales assistant's smiled, thanked me and I then found myself sitting alone in Starbucks with a latte. A girl sitting in front of me sat there listening to her Ipod, periodically stirring her coffee. Hmmm, I wonder if she is jobless and spends her time thinking in coffee shops, just like me? I know I'm not the only one in this situation, but at times it feels like it...

For the first time in months I put on my little black dress, high heels and headed out to the town for an evening of cocktails and dancing with the girls. An hour before I was due to leave, I think I had a slight panic attack. All of a sudden I began to cry uncontrollably and I just didn't want to leave the house. It was really strange, because one minute I was perfectly fine and then the next, I was in floods of tears on my bed with mascara smudged all over my face. I can't explain why I behaved that way. My sister eventually came upstairs armed with a glass of wine, tissues and my make-up bag. We had a little chat and she told me to wipe my tears, put my heels back on, as I would be thanking her the morning after for having such a lovely evening. Maybe because I've been slightly depressed lately, all of my emotions finally came out in a strange, tearful, hyperventilating panic?...

Anyway, once in Lloyds bar with a cocktail in my hand, the music beaming through my body and a group of people, I once again felt perfectly at ease. However, I did feel slightly under-dressed as the majority of the girls were dressed as maids, cheerleaders and playboy bunnies (I didn't know Birmingham was one big fancy dress party?) but to be perfectly honest, I much prefer the sophisticated look, rather than strutting around with my arse showing and a face full of orange make-up. Urgh...

After a couple of hours of gossiping and dancing, we headed to a quiet bar and sat outside for some much needed fresh air. It bought back memories, as I was here with Matt on our second date. It made me smile. After sitting down for an hour, my feet were itching to dance once again! So we headed to reflex to finish off the evening with classic 80s songs (I love a bit of Bon Jovi!) I don't know what came over me (maybe the 3 glasses of rose and the 4 cocktails?) because whilst the girls went out for a cigarette, I followed them outside, but continued to dance around on my own, singing extremely loud to Madonna's 'Borderline'...

We eventually stopped dancing just before 3am, sipped the last of our drinks and then headed home. I'm glad I went out and didn't end up staying in with my mascara smudged eyes. Maybe a night in the city, surrounded by music, playboy bunnies and cranberry cocktails is just what I needed? As right now, I'm feeling extremely positive and happy about life...

I haven't seen the boyfriend since Wednesday, so I'm really looking forward to seeing him this evening at 8pm. I've missed him alot.

Right, a strong cup of coffee and a couple of hours spent watching America's Next Top Model?

Indeed.

Happy Blog Birthday! (unfortunately I haven't got a cake)

I've been writing blogs since 2006. I used to express my thoughts on myspace for all of my friends to see, but after my relationship ended in March 2008 with 'rocker guy', I turned to blog.co.uk to privately note down my thoughts. A year ago today, I was more than likely crying in my room, after just being dumped over msn, feeling devastated and as if my world had ended. I think back to that day and actually feel glad it all happened, because if not, I would never have met my boyfriend, fallen in love and be sitting here right now with a smile on my face...

I'm wearing his red hoody, periodically swinging on my desk chair and wondering what to do with myself. Even though it's 11:30pm, I'm feeling restless and have the urge to go for a midnight walk. I spent most of my Saturday sleeping, therefore I know I'll be awake for many hours. I've been in a thinking mood today, mainly my thoughts have consisted of uni, appreciating people, money, music and erm... Oreo cookies. Hmmm I did shockingly get a call back from an agency, asking me to attend an interview. However, the job is only part time and over 10 miles away. Fuck...

I need a coffee.

I'm eating raisins as I write this. You know the California ones in the red box? I love them, too much in fact, as I've just munched my way through a whole box. Delicious.

My desperate job search is driving me completely insane. I've applied for hundreds and have only had 1 interview so far. Nobody replies to my emails and I waste so many hours, waiting around for somebody to call me with good news. I know quite a few people who are in the same situation as myself, so of course I'm not the only one browsing monster.com on a Monday morning, armed with coffee and list of-
'Things to do to stop me from killing myself today'

I've had enough of applying online, so armed with my CV's, I headed into the city instead. Ben Sherman were recruiting for part time sales assistant's. So I headed inside and walked over to the nearest assistant (stereotypical pretty boy with messy bed hair and wearing far too much fake tan) I told him that I heard there were positions available. He then pointed to another assistant and advised me to hand my CV to her (she had such a cool blonde quiff!) hmmm, she scanned over it, smiled and thanked me. Fingers crossed somebody actually calls me back for an interview... aaarrrrggghhhh!

I returned home a few hours later, armed with a latte, half a cookie and a denim mini (spring wardrobe of course) and was greeted by my mum. She was home alone, so the house was tidy and quiet. It was nice to spend the next half an hour, chatting and spending time with her. As my house is as busy as student halls, I never get the chance to talk to my mum about how I feel and what I've been upto. She always seems to be studying, spending time with her boyfriend, shouting at my brother or working...

I've been in my own little world today. I skipped around and stuck my middle finger up at life. I feel so angry inside at the moment, because I'm trying my best to find somewhere to work over the next few months before University and I'm just getting nowhere. I'm giving myself 2 days off from job searching. I honestly hate it. My boyfriend's parents ask me how the job search is going and if I've heard anything. It's lovely of them to care and to want to see how I'm getting on, but it always makes me feel worse. Whenever I shake my head, or inform them that I'm still looking, it kind of makes me feel like a total failure. Of course they don't think this, but I feel this way as it's been over 3 months since I got sacked, without any positive results. In all honesty, I have lost a bit of confidence. My last boss was a bully and used to call me 'thick, stupid, dumb, slut and incapable'. He thought it was perfectly acceptable, as he would say this in a jokey way, but it affected me alot. I remember when I answered him back, stating that I thought his behavior was inappropriate. He hated the fact that a woman stuck up for herself. I used to come home crying on several occasions and ended up taking two days off as I just couldn't face working there. In the end, he sacked me as he said 'I never listen, I'm rude, I shouldn't have not attended work and that he thinks I make far too many mistakes'. Twat...
(last time I heard, his business wasn't doing too well. oh dear)

Hmmm an evening spent reading Elle magazine and eating another box of raisins?

Indeed.

“Who knows if the moon's a balloon, coming out of a keen city in the sky, filled with pretty people?” - E.E Cummings

I always tell myself not to worry, not to stress and to wake up each day, skip around without a care in the world, which is what I'm now beginning to do. I think back to all of the days I spent sat there, over-analyzing everything. It was a complete waste of time because the things I worried about were either in the past, something I couldn't control or silly little things that shouldn't even have crossed my mind. At times I find myself floating around like a balloon, relying on the wind to blow me in the right direction, as I always seem to blow myself into the wrong one...

I'm popping the balloon talk now and shall replace it with erm... America's Next Top Model? I've always loved the show. My favourite cycle being number 5 (which included a lesbian and an alcoholic who peed in a nappy in front of the guys from Jackass) Hmmm, doesn't sound quite like a profession model show does it? hehe. We're currently on cycle 11 now and I really want Annaleigh to win. 5'9, big blue eyes and stunning *sighs*. Even though it's a reality show and has been on every year since 2003, I surprisingly haven't got bored of watching it...

I finally attended my first football match last night! (drum roll) At first I was slightly nervous, especially sitting in the car, as everyone else seemed to be excited, whilst talking about football players I have never heard of. I just didn't know what to say, because I haven't got a clue! It always makes me feel quite awkward when I don't know what to talk about. I always end up being really quiet and start picking at my nail varnish. I am quite the girly girl, but because my boyfriend loves arsenal, I wanted to make the effort and just have a really good time with him. Once we parked the car, walked a few minutes in the rain, ate a burger and found our seats, I felt alot better. This is a perfect example of me worrying about silly things, because as soon as they kicked off and the crowd began singing, I wondered why I ever felt nervous about coming to a football match!? I saw a completely different side to Matt. He swore, he shouted, he sang, he jumped around and I must say it was a bit of a turn on. I actually enjoyed being surrounded by hundreds of loud cockney men shouting 'THE REF IS A FAAACKING WANKAAAA!'. Hmmmm aggressive men are rather HOT! Hmmm, even though he was engrossed in the game, he would periodically hold my hand and kiss me (which I thought was extremely adorable) At half time, he even made sure I had a hot chocolate to keep me warm! *sighs*...

Overall I had a really good time. It was a bit cold and rainy, but it didn't bother me at all (as I was wearing a lovely warm red hoody) I was also happy to see Matt with a smile on his face as we won 3-1!! I never thought I would say this, but I would honestly like to go again. Maybe for next time, I will learn the songs so I can join in a little bit more! Or even go that extra mile and run naked around the pitch?...

Coffee and a productive day spent applying for jobs and then perhaps a trip to the cinema as it's orange Wednesday?

Indeed.