The life of a herbal tea drinking daydreamer...

The body is a big sagacity, a plurality with one sense, a war and a peace, a flock and a shepherd. - Friedrich Nietzsche

So, a week has passed by and still I await a phone call, to inform me whether or not I have the job. I keep fidgeting around, checking my mobile phone for any missed calls as I'm desperate to hear the good, or bad news. Oh well, either way it will be a complete relief as I've been on edge for the past 8 days! I hate that feeling, as I always feel totally incapable and stupidly begin biting my nails (which after reading about thread worms has scared me, because eggs can live underneath them and once swallowed... well, you more than likely understand what happens next, so I now make a conscious effort to avoid chewing!) Hmmm, it's 11:45pm and I'm sitting here contemplating whether to eat the last 4 squares of dairy milk fruit & nut, that seem to be sitting so innocently on my desk....

I had an appointment with the nurse on Tuesday morning (pill check) She's such a jolly woman, always smiling and enthusiastic about everything (think the teapot from the film beauty & the beast) I had the usual blood pressure & weight check. Shockingly my blood pressure is great, even though I've been so stressed over the past few months! However, since December, I've lost half a stone, taking me down to 8.6 now (smug smile) I've changed my eating habits alot. I only eat when I'm hungry, but never deprive myself of anything (as you probably can tell with all the cheesecake I consume) I completely listen to my body, rather than my mind. If my body craves a krispy kreme doughnut, then I'll happily eat it (making those strange orgasmic noises with every bite) *sighs*. Shockingly I used to suffer with Anorexia Nervosa quite badly from the ages of 16-18. Food was an enemy and I remember the time I didn't eat any bread for 4 months! I used to go to bed at night craving sweets, so I would then hallucinate eating chocolate eclairs, whilst my stomach rumbled in pain. I also remember the time I would chew and then spit my food out, as I was petrified of gaining weight, but craved the taste of cakes so much. It was so terrible, it completely ruled my life and for those 2 years I was suffering in silence, as everyone around me thought I was just extremely healthy. It's heartbreaking when I read stories in magazines, as I understand what they're going through. Sadly some people never recover, but I'm thankful that I'm strong minded and realised how pathetic I was being. When I look in the mirror, I now see a healthy girl, slim with curves and I'm happy with that. Skinny is not attractive...

I'm meeting my friend Shantel tomorrow afternoon for the usual Starbucks and Topshop browse. I've told myself that I will NOT purchase a pretty dress, a pair of shoes or anymore MAC make-up, as I need to be wise and save my money for more important things like... road trips to cool cities! However, I'm a typical girl. I have no self-control when it comes to fashion & beauty. Hmmm, strictly only window shopping??
to be continued...

The boyfriends parents are going away on holiday next week, therefore I've been invited to keep him company. I'm really looking forward to it, as we hardly ever have time completely alone in a house. Hmmm sex in the kitchen, sex in the conservatory, sex in the garden with the gnomes? Indeed. As his parents are quite strict with me not staying over, I was rather surprised last weekend, as for the first time in almost a year I was allowed to do so. Of course we had to sleep in separate rooms, me in his cosy bed and him in the freezing cold conservatory, sadly wrapped in a sleeping bag (poor thing) however, he stayed in his room with me till 2:30am, erm, innocently....'studying' of course. I didn't want him to leave, as I always find it rather strange sleeping in a different house. At one point the garden light came on and I had those thoughts, you know the 'shit, there is a vampire outside!' ones?
Hmmm, unfortunately not Edward, more than likely a hedgehog...

I miss Matt. I'm in the mood to curl up, pinch his cheek, play with his hair and fall asleep entwined together. I've never missed anyone as much as I miss him. Even after a day, he's on my mind and I begin to daydream about us together. I like being in love, I have an excuse to walk around in a haze...

Cup of chamomile tea and a much needed goodnight sleep? Indeed.

'We'll let you know in a week or so'
Andrea informed me, as she forcefully shook my hand...

Hmmm, after a couple of days preparing and feeling extremely nervous, I was glad when the interview was finally over. The interview itself went OK I suppose (I only say OK as they didn't seem that enthusiastic, their frequent silences put me on edge slightly and I felt as if I repeated myself far too much) anyway, it's pointless to worry and over think myself into insanity, as it's out of my control and upto them if they want to employ me (but of course it's all I've been thinking about this morning, as I pick at my honey on toast whilst re-playing the interview in my head)

Armed with carrot & coriander soup, cinnamon bagels and Tropicana orange juice, I went to visit my Nan who wasn't well, so I thought I would be the kind granddaughter, cheer her up a little and make sure she was getting her vitamins. Once at the gate, she opened the door and greeted me with a wave. Winnifred, 5'3, curly Grey hair and always wears blue thanked me over and over for visiting her (bless) so I made her a bowl of soup and sat with her for a couple of hours, talking about her childhood (the typical war story) and her travels (she goes on holiday every 2 weeks!) The memories always come flooding back when I'm sat in her lounge. I can picture myself as a 6 year old, sitting on the floor, playing with toys and talking to myself (always been rather strange) My dad decorated her house and it's still the same, 13 years later. It's like walking back into my childhood, which is comforting and makes me feel quite safe. Before I left, she handed me a couple of mints to put in my pocket, thanked me for a lovely afternoon and even gave me £10 (which I politely refused, but she demanded I take it) and as I walked away from her house, I realised that I need to see her more frequently, as she lives alone and I have so much spare time, which can be productively used to make her smile...

Instead of heading back home at 2:30pm, I decided to go into the city for a couple of hours to have the usual coffee, cake and a Topshop browse. Like Deja vu, I bumped into one of my best friends, browsing summer dresses and pouting to herself. It's as if fashion fate forces us together hehe. We met back in 2003, during our college years studying Performing Arts. As we had ballet & jazz classes together, we began speaking and eventually became really good friends. She's a dancer now, so most of her weekends consist of traveling around the country, strutting around wearing show girl outfits (I am a tad jealous, as I know that if I would have continued with my classes, I could be doing the same thing from time to time to earn money) Anyway, we spend the rest of the afternoon gossiping, taking silly pictures and I purchased a pair of beautiful gladiator sandals for only £6.99 (Bargain) Overall, I had a really great day and went home feeling rather content...

Last weekend, the boyfriend and I decided to drive to Bristol (for another one of our little road trips) we haven't been doing them as often as we would like, as it all comes down to MONEY (I fucking hate that word) so we spent most of the day, walking around, browsing the mall and had an 'eat all you like' dinner (which we took full advantage of, as between us we had 5 main courses and 4 desserts) Delightful, yet a tad greedy. Does money bring happiness? With £10 you can buy a pretty dress from Primark, with £20 you can spend it on petrol and drive somewhere beautiful, with £30 you can have lunch & dinner and perhaps a few pennies left over for a hot chocolate (with cream and sprinkles on top) so to a certain extent, I believe this is true. However, love and happiness doesn't have to involve money at all. You can stay in, watch an old film and cuddle up together and still feel as content as driving to Timbuktu for a day of exploring. Road trips are like a form of escape though, it's as if I'm waving goodbye to my worries and can walk around in the sunshine, hand in hand with the one I love and just feel free...

I always wonder if I'm manic depressive or just simply dramatic? I had one of those self-destructive moments on Wednesday evening and found myself getting into bed at 7pm as I wasn't in the mood to face life. After my 'Life is shit' speech, I curled up and cried myself to sleep. My life is like groundhog day. Everyday is the same. However, I always feel alot better when I wake up, wipe my tears and realise that it won't be like this forever. I want to shake myself most of the time for being such a 'fuckwit' as there are many things in my life that I love and appreciate so dearly. Having a job is stressful, but not having a job is also extremely stressful. I find myself losing motivation to just be and end up wallowing around, trying to block out my disturbing thoughts. Two days in a row spent indoors (like a hermit) can drive you completely insane...

Hmmm thank fuck for road trips with the boyfriend, an afternoon spent with an OAP and a dancing shopaholic to keep me sane...

Right, time to shake myself, put on some red lipstick and think positive? Indeed.

'Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness, has never danced in the rain.'

I was supposed to be heading out to the city this morning, as I'm in desperate need of a new sophisticated outfit for my interview on Wednesday. However, I woke up this morning to depressing grey clouds and bucket fulls of rain. So instead, I ventured downstairs, made myself a coffee and went back to bed for an hour or so. I'm not in the mood for soaking wet hair, damp clothes and an annoying uncontrollable umbrella (think Mary Poppins on speed) so I think buying online is in order, hot drink in hand whilst sitting by the fire with the chubby ginger dog. I do find rain rather therapeutic though, it's as if it washes away my worries and clears my head of it's negative thoughts....

The one thing I'll miss about being unemployed are Wednesday mornings. I meet my boyfriend from work, head back to his house for an afternoon spent watching films, drinking endless cups of green and lemon tea, heading out on the evening for a nice meal with his family and then driving back to mine at 11pm, as he stays over (which results in us not sleeping till 3am and finally waking after 12pm) If I get this job, my Wednesday afternoons will be spent periodically staring at the clock, fidgeting in my chair and logging onto blog.co.uk to express how much I hate my new boss. As much as I need this job, I don't actually want it. I don't want to spend my summer locked away behind a desk, booking appointments for people who don't use condoms and need a Chlamydia test. But unfortunately I desperately need the money. Thankfully, I'll finally be studying Creative Writing in October so I'll only need to torture myself for 6 months....

I'm getting crumbs all over the keyboard, as I sit here munching two pieces of wholegrain toast (with a bit of jam on) Hmmm, I wonder just how much food is actually lodged between the letters? I usually clean (well wipe the keyboard over with a facial wipe) atleast twice a week, so maybe I should consider using something like tweezers to gently pick out all of the crap. Urgh.

I'm in the middle of filling out a questionnaire for my 'job'. As it's for the NHS, I expected the usual health questions, but I've just stumbled across one that politely asks me 'If I've ever suffered from an eating disorder?' hmmm, I don't understand why this question is needed for a simple receptionist position? At first I though it was something to do with the credit crunch and the fact that they cannot afford Christmas meals or vending machines anymore, so they thought it would be best to hire someone who just doesn't eat to save money?... I don't know whether to lie and tell them that I've suffered from 'Anorexia Nervosa' for the past 4 years OR be completely honest, write down 'Fat Bastard'
and hope for the best....

Hmmm, another cup of coffee and an afternoon spent daydreaming? Indeed.

I still get wildly enthusiastic about little things.... I play with leaves. I skip down the street and run against the wind - Leo Buscaglia

After purchasing a beautiful, delicious and calorie infested vanilla cheesecake from Sainsburys, the sun is now shining through the window and gently kissing my skin, as I sit here in the lounge contemplating what to do with myself for the rest of the day. We were supposed to have one of those traditional Easter Monday family gatherings at my Nan's house. But at 11am, she called informing us that she was too ill to play host, so will be spending the afternoon in bed. I was quite disappointed to be honest, as I secretly enjoy those cheesy gatherings, where we always end up getting the old pictures out, some dating back to 1989 (mullets galore) So instead, I found myself pottering around a supermarket, sniffing the freshly baked baguettes and wondering why I'm a size 8, when I eat so much cake?...

Yesterday afternoon was spent at the boyfriends house, sitting in the garden, inhaling apple and grape from a hookah pipe, playing guitar hero and losing for the 100th time (damn blue button!) the evening consisted of an Indian meal with his sister and her husband, followed by herbal tea and an Abba programme with his parents. Sex seems to ALWAYS be mentioned on the TV when we are innocently sitting there. His parents are in their 60s, therefore it was rather embarrassing when his mum turned over to watch Katie Price talking to Piers Morgan about the time she gave Pete a blow job.
I didn't know where to look!...

Hopefully, I'll only be unemployed for another couple of weeks, as my interview is soon. I will shoot myself if I have to (unenthusiastically) walk into the jobcentre for £47 a week again. I would rather slide down a 50 foot razor blade into a pile shit...

Hmmm, a cup of coffee and an episode of sex & the city? Indeed

'Trip over love, you can get up. Fall in love and you fall forever'

Good morning (I say as I sit here with messy bed hair and a delightful cup of Earl Grey) I fucking LOVE the sunshine, as I always wake up with a smile on my face and forget the fact that I'm unemployed and have only £2 to last me till next Thursday. However, I received a letter on Friday morning from the NHS (thankfully I haven't got an STI!) as they informed me that I have an interview on April 22nd at 4:15pm. I vaguely remember applying for a receptionist job in the GUM department (crabs, herpes and chlamydia galore!) but as I sent off my application 2 months ago, I thought they weren't interested. Anyway, fingers crossed I charm the pants off them, as working 37 hours a week would help me to finally save up my pennies for fun road trips over the summer period...

I love gigs. I love the crowds, the beer (even though I don't drink it) sweaty people, loud music, dancing, the geeky guy infront singing out of tune, the annoying drunken girl stepping on my toe, the bright lights, the exciting atmosphere and having your boyfriend wrap his arms around your waist and sway along (nothing too cheesy of course) to the slow love songs. Over the weekend I went to see James Morrison and Jason Mraz, both were fantastic artists. However I felt Mraz interacted with the audience a little more, BUT I knew more of Morrison's songs. Hmmm anyway, hopefully with my pocket full of pennies, I'll try and see Nickleback, as they are playing the day before my 21st birthday...

Another American friend of Matt's came over to visit, so on Monday morning (armed with a bottle of Evian, 2 banana's and a strange looking apple) we drove down to London to pick him up from the station. I always find American's so fascinating, as they come from a world filled with cabs, sidewalks and delicious bagels. The accent is so cool and at times I wish I had it!! We didn't stay in London, as Paul (the American) had already spent a couple of days exploring with his sister, so instead we drove to Oxford for the afternoon. As I've been to the beautiful city of Oxford a few times before, whenever I'm there I always pretend that I'm a really intelligent student, as I walk around the campus admiring the amazing university. It's quite sad really, but I secretly enjoy it. It's a great place to stroll around for a few hours, as it's filled with fascinating history, and of course those cute little coffee shops filled with delicious tea and scones!... *sighs*

I've just sipped the last of my Earl Grey. Even though I feel content, I can feel boredom slowly intoxicating my body. I suppose after an eventful weekend, it's as if life has come to a complete standstill, as I sit here in silence. As much as I love my quiet moments, I much prefer to be surrounded by people. At times, I walk around the city to simply surround myself with noise. I know I have a few productive things to sort out this afternoon, such as preparing for my job interview. But all I want to do today is embrace the sunshine, explore the world, smile at strangers and forget about my worries in life.

Annoyingly, my brain needs constant stimulation...