The life of a herbal tea drinking daydreamer...

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread -Mother Teresa

I was greeted by the beautiful sunshine this morning, beaming through my window. I was determined not to waste the day indoors again; therefore I put on some red lipstick and walked into town. I spent an hour or so browsing and surprisingly I found a pair of brown gladiator sandals for only 6 pound!! (which of course I happily purchased) Just as I was about to walk back home, I bumped into my Grandparents. You see, ever since my father passed away they haven't really been around much. It's as if they couldn't cope with his death, so closed off from the whole family. I always feel quite awkward around them, it's as if I never know what to talk about, so I just give them both a hug and try and make it quick. It's quite heartbreaking to be honest, as I have so many beautiful memories of them. However, they pushed us away and even after 10 years they still continue to do so...

Anyway, when I returned home I spent the rest of the afternoon in the garden with Grazia magazine and green tea. We decided to have a BBQ a few hours later, so whilst the food cooked (smelling amazing!) we sat around and chatted for a while, just as the sun was setting. It was lovely to spend time with the family (without the rows and uni stress)

The boss called, informing me that I start work on Saturday. However, she wanted me to go into the store on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday to help out with stock. As it's my 21st birthday on Wednesday (hmmm cake!) the boyfriend has various surprises lined up. Therefore, I had to tell her that I couldn't help out on Tuesday or Wednesday! I felt rather silly, as I was telling my new boss that I couldn't even make it on the first day! Hmmm, I doubt anyone would want to spend their birthday picking up boxes of course...

It’s my last week of unemployment. Thank fuck. I only have to work for 3 months, as university begins and I get to spend the next 3 years of my life being a lazy student (armed with a laptop and a can of Heinz beans) Maybe I should get a job in a coffee shop too? As all of those late night studying sessions will require a lot of caffeine! Of course the staff discount will help too, as I'll more than likely be poor, after spending my loan on dresses and shoes from asos.com (tut tut)...

Keeping on the subject of asos.com, I ordered a beautiful blue dress (that I shall be wearing for my birthday meal) however, I purchased a size 10 (as usually their dresses are really tiny and I always feel rather fat, after squeezing my arse into a size 8) Anyway, it's far too big and I have completely forgotten that over the past 9 months, I have lost half a stone, therefore I am in fact an asos size 8. Rather than sending it back (as I honestly cannot be bothered to fold, pack and post) I have decided to do it the 1950s housewife way and sew the damn thing...

As it was the 125th birthday of Marks & Spencer's, I was informed that many items would be 1p! (Bargain!) So, I enthusiastically skipped into the city on Wednesday morning, with my sister and of course the 4'9, 67 year old bargain hunter Grandmother called Winifred (the Grandparent that didn't ignore us for 10 years of course!) So, we arrived at 9am and waited in the extremely long queue for what seemed like forever! Unsurprisingly, the Grandmother had a pocket full of mints! So as we stood there sucking on humbugs in the morning sunshine, we realised that a photographer was standing in front of the crowds, taking pictures. I didn't know whether to smile or hide! However, I wasn't too keen on the idea of being known as the local M&S eager bargain beaver! When we finally entered the shop (50 minutes later) we were sadly informed that the only items left were either a packet of sweets, a frisby or a beach ball!!??? (I must say I felt extremely disappointed) We were able to pick 5 items each, so of course I opted for the 'food glorious food' but as I realised I must have looked extremely greedy, I politely asked for a frisby too...

After almost a year of being with my boyfriend, I am still so completely in love. I remember when I realised I had fallen in love, it was around September 2008 and he was sat there in his grey cosy trousers, sipping peppermint tea out of his huge starbucks mug and singing along to Jack Johnson. I was so besotted and realised that I loved everything about him. His smile, his laugh, his big blue eyes, his pouty lips, the way he sang and got the lyrics wrong, his smell, his voice, his beautiful mind and even the way he held his spoon (he wraps his whole hand around it! If a bear ate porridge, then I'm sure it would eat it that way!) We had quite a hard time during the winter, but I suppose it made me realise just how much I care for him. We both were in the wrong at one point, but with our trust issues in the past, our own insecurities got in the way and caused a lot of stress on the relationship. Thankfully, we got through it even stronger than ever and now continue to be extremely happy with one another. I didn't think it was possible to feel this way about somebody, but I'm just going to embrace it all, as life is far too short to hide away your feelings. Love is so important and at times we need to take risks and allow our hearts to fly away and find it...

Hopefully the sunshine shall return tomorrow, as I think a Sunday picnic with the boyfriend will be perfect. Hmmm right, time to apply a chocolate facemask and perhaps stare at Angelina Jolie pictures...

Goodnight x

I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part. - Shirley MacLaine

A whole jug of cocktail and two glasses of rose later, I found myself enthusiastically dancing with the girls (You know the usual swaying, wiggling, pointing, shaking and pouting??) in a very crowded Lloyds Bar on Saturday night. Even though the club was packed, it was better than sitting in an old man's pub, talking about babies (which had been the main topic of conversation an hour previous) as much as I think children are cute, I don't want to commit myself to motherhood right now. I want to be able to travel, achieve personal goals and feel free. A couple of the girls still live at home, have a child and complain about feeling slightly lonely at times. Maybe they should have 1) Used a condom 2) Not rejected their friends and 3) Realised that the men they were with, were complete and utter fuckwitts. I know life will never be perfect, but I would rather bring my children into a happy world with two parents, a pretty house, two posh cars and an adorably chubby chocolate Labrador puppy...

I'm such a home girl at heart. Even when I was out celebrating my friends 23rd birthday with a cocktail in my hand, I was wishing I was at home with a cup of tea, curled up in my quilt, watching sex & the city. Rather than dancing for hours in Lloyds Bar, getting wine all over my dress whilst periodically wiping the sweat from my upper lip. Hmmm, does this make me a hermit? wanting to hibernate at home, rather than socializing with the world whilst singing along to 'Mysterious Girl?' in a crowded club at 1am?

On Sunday night the boyfriend and I went for a meal at 'Around the world in 80 dishes' (food glorious food) followed by The Glee club to watch Ben's Brother perform. I must say I was very impressed. I loved the feel of their music and the lead singer was very talented. I love the Glee Club, it's small, intimate and I always leave with a smile on my face. Unfortunately they only serve cold drinks, so if you're the type of person who gets a bit nippy, I advise you to take a blanket, as hot chocolate is not on the menu. Damn...

I shockingly spotted a celebrity in Starbucks.. well, a big brother winner. Anyway, the boyfriend quietly informed me that Kate Lawler was sat on the next table with two other guys. I think it's funny how you just HAVE to stare, but I didn't want to look as though I was one of those over-enthusiastic big brother worshipers, so instead I sat the other way and pretended as if I hadn't noticed! I contemplated asking for an autograph, armed with a Starbucks napkin, but on second thoughts, it was best to let her enjoy her coffee in peace. Hmmm, I sadly updated my facebook status, informing the world who I had seen. Unsurprisingly nobody commented, as they probably didn't have a clue who she was (after the 15 minutes of fame) Oh well, I'm secretly happy as I thought she was pretty cool back in 2002...

I'm looking forward to starting work. However, I am still waiting for a letter to confirm the days/hours! As you all know, I hate waiting around for answers. I'm very impatient. Hopefully I won't start work on my 21st birthday, as I was hoping for breakfast in bed and a day spent with the handsome man. As it's a new store opening, all of the staff will be new, so I won't feel as nervous and bonding with people will be easier. I'm just happy that I won't be spending most of my time moping around in the house, talking to the dog and obsessively checking facebook. I suppose I'm at that point where I'm desperate to just get on with life. I'm exhausted with worrying and over thinking, so being employed is going to pretty much save me (sounds very dramatic) but days spent indoors is not good for the mind, body and soul...

Right, an hour spent working out, followed by a three hour lavender scented bubble bath?

Indeed.

'It's such a pleasure to write down splendid words - almost as though one were inventing them.' - Rupert Hart-Davis

On Sunday afternoon I found myself at Twycross zoo, completely fascinated with a gorilla. The gorilla sat there, using a stick to tickle his nose whilst playfully rolling around on the grass. I wanted to join him. He seemed so happy, playing in the sunshine without a care in the world...

After my over dramatic couple of days, I was glad to wake up on Sunday morning feeling rather calm. I spent the day with my sister and a friend, went to the zoo armed with a picnic and took loads of lovely pictures (for facebook of course) The boyfriend came round at 6pm, informing everyone of the terrible football result (Arsenal lost once again) You see, I was never into football before, but I have found myself becoming more and more interested. Anyway, to put a smile on Matt's face after the bad news, I handed him a letter that I had wrote for him (expressing my thoughts about why I have been such a moody fuckwit) I enjoy writing letters, they are much more personal than an email. I know he appreciated the fact that I did that. I'm also happy I wrote down all of those things I find hard to put into words face to face...

Tuesday consisted of the usual vogue.com obsession (fashion blog reading and admiring the beautiful people with legs up to here *raises arm to shoulders*) and wishing that one day I could work for a magazine and strut into the office wearing my Manolo Blahniks *sighs* I felt myself fluttering around again, periodically staring at the clock, checking my mobile phone and feeling on edge. I hate waiting for phone calls, especially the job ones. The day seemed to pass by extremely slowly, so to pass the time I relaxed in a bubble bath for 2 hours whilst listening to UB40 songs on my Ipod...

Red, red wiiiiinnnnneeeeeee, goes to my heeeeeeaaaaaaadddd...

As it has been exactly a week since my interview, I decided it was wise to wake at 9am, just incase the manager called informing me of the good or bad news. My house was freezing, so I curled up next to the fire, armed with coffee, the chubby dog and an old episode of America's Next Top Model. Job thinking/searching has seriously sent me into the land of insanity. Of course having spare time to do as I please can actually be fantastic, but I'm a girl who loves to be busy and being home alone can actually be rather depressing. I spent the rest of the afternoon reading ELLE and cleaning underneath my bed (shockingly it had been 3 months since the last time, so I wasn't surprised to be greeted by a handful of dust!) Thankfully at 5:30pm, my mobile started ringing (strange french ring tone that I can't seem to delete) I enthusiastically grabbed my phone, praying that it wasn't my mum calling, to ask if we needed any milk! Thankfully it was a number I didn't recognize, so after doing the usual cough to clear the throat, answer after 3 rings to not appear desperate, I awaited the news...

5 minutes later, I ended the call with a smile. Turns out that I actually got the job! Unfortunately I would have preferred a few more hours, but the simple fact is I am actually employed after months of desperation, depression, tears and tantrums! As it's a new fashion store, it won't be opening till the end of May, but I suppose it gives me the opportunity to purchase a few new clothes and prepare myself for a couple of early mornings. I'm feeling happy and relieved right now. Happy, because I will now be richer, meaning more road trips and the opportunity to save up to go to New York with the handsome man. Relieved, because I will no longer need to browse monster.com, crying at the screen because I cannot find anything worth applying for...

The advice I can give to all of those people who are unemployed is to never give up and always have faith in yourself. I was unemployed for almost 6 months and even though at times I lost confidence and my mind became intoxicated with negative thoughts, I never stopped believing in myself. It's important to always believe in yourself, even if you do not get the job that you were hoping for, there will always be something else out there that is meant for you. So smile as life will always work out in the end...

'Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.'

I finally fell asleep at 4am. I felt restless and kept browsing vogue.com to keep my mind occupied, as all I could think about was how harsh I had been to the boyfriend (damn pathetic insecure mind) I sent him a text, apologizing for my horrible words and how having so much spare time has turned me into an over thinking freak. Not having routine in life can send anybody insane. I miss waking up at 7am, I miss structure, I miss feeling tired and most of all I miss myself. I'm usually the girl who smiles 24/7 and flutters around the world with a positive attitude. I've somehow turned into a strange, moody, needy, borderline depressive fuckwitt who spends far too much time indoors (quite like a hermit) Unemployment has intoxicated my life in every possible way. I'm just praying to God (why do people who aren't even religious pray to God in time of need? hmmm it puzzles me) anyway...I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that I get a callback in the next couple of days, informing me that I have a job. If not, I think I might do a Kurt Cobain...

I woke up quite early this morning to the sound of a man shouting 'ANY OLD IRON???' I peered out of my window to find a white rusty van, full of old junk and an old bald fat man enthusiastically gathering the pile of crap onto the back of his pride & joy (how very Steptoe & Son?) Urgh. I made myself a cup of coffee and checked my phone. No new messages (very disappointing as I was hoping the boyfriend had replied) the thing with us women, we expect men to text back all of the time. He was busy with his friends; therefore it's pretty selfish of me to want him to reply to my 7 page long text message about my PMT, whilst he plays Fifa on the PS3. He did text at lunchtime, informing me that if I wanted, I could spend the afternoon with him and his friend from London, who was visiting for the weekend. So, at 2pm he picked me up and we spent a few hours in the city. As his friend's father is a millionaire and I'm well... pretty much poor at the moment, it was quite awkward to do my usual 'if only I were rich' speech, when passing designer clothes in Selfridges. He's a lovely down to earth guy and really easy to get on with, but he must have thought 'Blimey, she lives in a shoebox!' when the boyfriend dropped me home. Hmmm, my whole house is probably the same size as his garage *sighs*...

I'm so in love with life and not being able to live it is rather frustrating. Living is all about exploring the world, traveling to new places, learning, gaining inspiration whilst holding hands with the one you love and skipping around in the sunshine. Without money, I can't even afford the petrol money to run away and explore the unknown. I don't want my life to consist of an empty cup of herbal tea and 200 blogs, informing the world what I want to do. I want to do them and put my plans into action, take photographs and make beautiful memories...

I'm a typical Gemini. My mind constantly needs stimulation. When I haven't got that, I seem to over analyze my life and relationship (the reason for our pointless rows) Even though we have spent the afternoon together, I still feel slightly upset for hurting his feelings. When I try and protect my feelings, I either joke or say something hurtful. For e.g.. I was sad when the week came to an end and I knew I was going to miss him. So instead of telling him this, instead I said 'You know what, I cannot wait to go home'. If he said this to me, I would have felt so devastated!! Memories from my past always haunt me. I remember the time I spent the weekend in London with the 'actor'. I was sat on his bed, flicking through the newspaper, whilst he went to make us some breakfast. A few moments later, he returned and said 'actually, can you go home later, I have a few important things to do?' (Even though my train tickets were already booked and I was due to leave 2 days later) That guy walked all over me, so it's as if I now protect my feelings just incase someone hurts me again. I need to realise that Matt is actually a good guy and they do exist. Not all men are heartbreakers and will quite happily fuck you over. You live you learn, but are sadly left with the memories that can intoxicate your mind for years after. I'm so loyal as a person and know deep in my heart that I would never cheat on my boyfriend or do anything to ruin this relationship. Therefore, I think I worry because I want to know whether he feels the same (which I know he does) but it's as if I need reassurance that he'll hold my hand for years and years...

Right, a strong coffee and perhaps a relaxing bubble bath with the new copy of Glamour magazine?? Indeed.

As none can see the wind but in its effects on the trees, neither can we see the emotions but in their effects on the face and body.
- Nathaniel LeTonnerre

After almost a week spent with the boyfriend, I am in my own bed all alone and it feels quite strange. I think I have serious emotional problems at times. It's as if I have to pull myself away from love, petrified that something will eventually go wrong, so I emotionally block out my feelings. I don't understand why I do this. I think it's a little bit of jealousy, perhaps insecurity and an ongoing fear of all the happiness I feel inside being taken away from me, leaving me with just my tears. I felt as if I was being cold with Matt this afternoon, during a road trip to Manchester. I have had such a great week, being able to spend quality time together and I was there sitting in the car earlier, more or less ignoring him because of the bad thoughts in my head. Why the fuck was I trying to ruin such a lovely week? I haven't a clue. I'm so deeply in love and at times it scares me. I'm being so pathetic, because I know in my heart that he is a good person and our relationship is beautiful. It's just certain things from my past intoxicate my thoughts and I end up in a bit of a panic...

Shockingly, I've been in bed since 9:30pm. After my long relaxing bubble bath and a little cry, I put on a pair of warm pyjamas, closed my eyes and listened to my Ipod, untill I fell asleep. I woke up an hour later, craving jam on toast, so armed with a plate and also a cup of tea, I got back into bed. Maybe PMT has turned me into an emotional wreck?

I'll end this blog with 'Save me from myself' by Christina Aguilera.
The words say it all...

It's not so easy loving me
It gets so complicated
All the things you gotta be
Everything's changing
But you're the truth
I'm amazed by all your patience
Everything I put you through

It's obvious your tenderness
Is what I need to make me
A better woman to myself
To myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

I can't sleep. I feel like going for a midnight walk...

Whilst the boyfriend enthusiastically plays baseball, I'm sitting here browsing Elle.com with chocolate brownie crumbs all over his Binghamton University hoody (which I have adopted this week to keep me warm, as the central heating is on a timer and turns off at 11pm) *shivers*

On Sunday afternoon, armed with my (rather large) suitcase, the handsome man picked me up and kidnapped me, for a week of fun filled activity, whilst his parents are enjoying the sunshine in Crete. Even though we still have a couple of days to relax, eat cake and watch dvds in bed till 3am. So far, it's been really lovely to spend some quality time together and to finally be home alone. Hmmm we did make an amazing oreo cheesecake. However, the last slice was thrown away a few hours ago (as I refused to consume another 1000 calories) *sighs*. The boyfriend still has work, therefore at 6am he has to wake up, but never forgets to kiss me goodbye before he leaves (thankfully) So, with a warm cosy bed to myself I curl up in a ball and sleep for a couple more hours, whilst dreaming about pirates, cupcakes and erm... job interviews.

Keeping on the subject of job interviews. I had one today at 1pm. Well, I was actually informed it was an open day but when I arrived, I realised it was in fact a formal interview. As I headed towards the reception area, sat next to the desk were two other girls dressed rather smart in black trouser suits. Hmmm 'shit' I thought, as I wore a (sophisicated) high waisted grey skirt, black tight fitted top with a black cardigan, gladiator sandals (yes, the ones that torture my feet) and a long dangly necklace thing with a pretty butterfly on it. I felt slightly too casual, as everyone else seemed to turn up for The Apprentice. Anyway, the 'open day' was for a new fashion store, therefore I thought instead of going for the 'I want an office job' look, I thought I should dress smart but show them that I understand fashion and what the latest trends are. I felt slightly insecure, as I saw both girls staring at my clothes, as if I didn't understand the meaning of professional. I was just being paranoid, as I got talking to one of the girls and she thought she looked a little too 'smart' and thought she should have dressed according to the store (I must say I felt relieved) The interviews were running late, so I finally had mine an hour later than expected. I didn't even realise that it was an interview, so I felt strangely calm as I waited in the reception area, periodically staring at the clock.

The interview itself went really well. I put on my charm and made the women laugh and when questioned about the latest fashion trends, I thanked vogue.com (in my head of course) for all of it's vital information. The manager of the new store seemed really friendly, down to earth yet very passionate about her work. She even complimented me on my shoes (thank you swollen feet!) and kindly informed me that I will more than likely be getting a callback.

Fingers crossed.

Anyway, it's 11:35pm, time for ANOTHER herbal tea and to curl up in bed with the handsome man (ooooh and perhaps another chocolate brownie????)

'You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry.'

Walking around the city, wearing my new gladiator sandals was such hard work yesterday afternoon (crushed toes, aching ankles and sweaty feet) hmmm, as much as I love them, I also hate them for causing me such pain! It's my own fault for skipping around for 5 hours in 5 inch heels, but they are oh so pretty and I magically grow to 5'10 woohoooooo! (goodbye midget! hello supermodel!)

Shockingly, after my afternoon spent with Shantel, I returned home with only a skirt, a necklace, facial wash, st tropez tan and a some Mediterranean couscous! I'm rather proud of myself for purchasing only the things that I needed (well, apart from the skirt of course) as usually I return with a bag full of impulse buys that I will more than likely never wear or use. Hmmm maybe the chicken & avocado sandwich from Pret for lunch gave me the much needed brain power to think more wisely??

My little brother is growing up far too quickly. He's 18 years old today and it's making me feel rather old(ish) I still remember him as a 3 year old, sitting on the floor with his blonde hair, big blue eyes and playing with Thomas the tank engine whilst talking to himself in that strange baby babble. Time passes by so quickly. He's now 6'1 and thinking about moving to America to study sport. As much as he annoys me and at times I even have the urge to throw sharp objects at his head, I do love him...

As for the phone call I have been eagerly awaiting over the past week, well it finally came yesterday morning at 9:30am. Unfortunately it was bad news, but was informed that there will be other positions available soon in another department (fuckers) however, the disappointment didn't last too long, as I received another phone call off a polite lady, informing me that I have an interview next Wednesday. I applied for a job in a new store opening soon, therefore they are looking for staff ASAP. The good thing? Atleast I'm finally getting interviews. The bad thing? Why the fuck am I not getting these jobs? Oh well, keep positive and life will always work itself out in the end *sighs*...

After a busy afternoon, I decided to unwind and relax in a beautiful candlelit bath, whilst pampering myself with lush products and listening to love songs on my ipod. Delightful. I love how a bath can wash away your worries and completely calm the mind, body & soul. I must have been in there for over an hour, as my fingers & toes felt a bit wrinkly (hehe) Once wrapped in a towel, I began packing a suitcase. Surprisingly, I'm not running away to Timbuktu, but to my boyfriends house. I thought it was wise to organize everything, instead of rushing around in the morning, throwing random things into the case, only to realise that I forgot to pack my favourite knickers! Hmmmm, however the gladiator sandals are in (just incase I decide to torture my feet again) oooooh and I must remember to throw a few magazines in, as I cannot possibly deprive myself of a good old fashion read at 10pm with a lovely cup of herbal tea...

250 sit ups, followed by a browse on vogue.com with a bit of malt loaf? Indeed.