The life of a herbal tea drinking daydreamer...

'Sleep 'til you're hungry, eat 'til you're sleepy.

'HURRY UP PAY DAY!'I scream, whilst picking at my 1.99 pink candy coloured nail varnish. After almost 6 weeks without any money, I'm beginning to feel on edge. I'm the type of person that has to leave the house with atleast 3 pound (just in case I get a bit hungry and fancy a flapjack from Asda) so I almost had a panic attack when I left work earlier, starving, and with only my bus fare to take me home. I sat there, staring out of the window, hallucinating krispy kreme doughnuts, dancing in the rain! (the chocolate ones with the cream inside! Mmmmmm) Anyway, 45 minutes later, I was home sweet home, with a cup of Yorkshire tea, devouring a bowl of cornflakes (I was far too hungry to cook, so literally ate half the box in 2 minutes) After my 'binge', I fell asleep for 3 hours. However, I woke suddenly, checked the time and for some strange reason thought I was running late for work! I jumped out of bed, paced around the room and even started looking for my mango shower gel! Only to realise (after a good 30 seconds) that it was infact 6PM and not 6AM. Oh what a fuckwitt...

As for the exciting New York planning. We're definitely going in January as we'll 1) have enough money 2) it's Christmas time and I like that magical feeling (think Home Alone) AND 3) We can get the time off Uni/work, to devour all of that delicious cheesecake. I'm hoping to put away 300 this month, as that will be my flight money sorted. I can use some of my student loan for spending money, but I'm hoping to save as much as possible from my current job. Thankfully the boss has taken a liking to me (maybe it's because I made her a cup of tea when she was ill?) so whatever extra hours that are going, are given to me straight away. Even though at times, I just want to go home and sleep, I sing that song 'New York, New Yooooooooork!' in my head over and over and it gives me the will power to stay and keep going!...

I really enjoyed the weekend. Me and the boyfriend celebrated our first anniversary together. It's amazing how quickly this year has passed by! We drove to Warwick, went for a meal with his sister & her husband. Stayed over at theirs and then the following morning we drove down to Bicester Village & then London for a day spent shopping in the sunshine. I must say Bicester was torture for me, as they have the new Vivienne Westwood store. Most items have a 75% discount, which made me want to cry as the only thing I could afford that day was a bottle of water from the petrol station and not the beautiful bag I saw, staring sweetly at me through the window... *sighs*
It was lovely to finally have the time to go somewhere together, as working life seems to be taking over most of our time (think New York, New Yoooooooork!) However, we have a weekend in Cambridge soon, so thankfully we have something else to look forward to. Maybe we should hire bicycles and pretend we're super intelligent students?... Indeed

Another early morning at work for me tomorrow. However, I find travelling at 7:30am so therapeutic, listening to 'Far Away' by Nickelback on repeat for the entire 40 minute journey (cheesy I know, but I always seem to be in a love mood when the birds are still singing) I should be finished at 2pm, annoyingly I cannot venture to Starbucks and unwind for half an hour after, as I doubt they give out FREE coffee to addicts, without a penny to their name...

Hmmm, I could always bring my cool Starbucks cup, my own coffee and just ask them to fill it up with a bit of hot water and milk????

Right I'm falling asleep, so I think it's time to turn off my laptop and dream about The Big Apple. I'm feeling really happy again, maybe it's the sunshine and the fact that I seem to be falling more in love with my boyfriend as time passes by (yes, I'm listening to Nickelback, it turns me into a romantic)

Until Next Time.

11:30pm, I sit here with an empty cup of coffee, wearing a pair of cosy blue pyjamas and feeling content as I have just spent the last half an hour browsing University things, such as finance, accommodation. Shockingly I haven't googled ELLE or VOGUE or even ROBERT PATTINSON!

I finished work at 4pm. It was a rather busy day, so was quite relieved when I realised the time. I literally skipped to the staff room to collect my things. Just as I waved goodbye to a few of the girls, the boyfriend text informing me that he was on his lunch break and wanted to know if we could meet for a coffee (HEAVEN) He kindly bought us a mocha, a chocolate brownie and a blueberry muffin to share (Greedy? Indeed) Surprisingly I have lost weight, even though I seem to be eating the whole of Starbucks *sighs*

For the first time in months I'm actually feeling happy with everything. I've always been content with my relationship, but it's so important to be happy with a variety of things in life. Working has given me my independence back and it's helping to occupy my mind, before my studies begin. Feeling down, helpless and utterly depressed scares me. I'm in love with this new feeling of joy. I never want it to go. I look back and want to kick myself for being so pathetic at times. That girl wasn't me at all. I never want to see her again.

Remember 'Rocker guy?' (skinny jean wearing boy who dumped me on msn?) Well, he text me the other day, asking if I was ok. I replied, informing him that everything was fine and wished him good luck for his exams. He's now living in London with a few friends and currently in a band, performing gigs in places like Camden. It's amazing how feelings just completely disappear. I feel nothing at all, as if he's just a stranger with a guitar. I never think about him or even realise he ever existed. We learn from everything in life and from that experience, I learnt to go with my instincts. I always kind of knew that he wasn't 'that into me' after I was introduced as 'his friend from home' after being together for 2 months. I should have ran a mile at that point, rather than pretending to myself that everything would work out, only to get hurt in the process. I laugh about it all now...

Hopefully I'll save up enough money to fly away to New York in January (with the help of my student loan of course) The great thing is, the boyfriend studied over there for his second year of University, therefore he has a few friends willing to let us stay with them. So, with accommodation sorted, I only need to save up my pennies for flights, food and of course a bit of spending money. Hmmm I can pretend I'm Carrie Bradshaw!

Ooooh the highlight of the trip!

Did you know that 'kitkat' means 'good luck' in Japanese? Hmmm, well I've just devoured a delicious bar of good luck and am now sat here, periodically staring out of the window and appreciating the fact that after 6 days, I have Sunday to relax...

As my boyfriend works in the same shopping centre, I met him yesterday afternoon for a quick mocha at Costa Coffee. I remember the time we would spend hours in coffee shops every week. But as we're both busier, we haven't had the time to do it anymore. He also now works on a Sunday, therefore we can't go on our little road trips either *sighs* The good thing is, we have more money and I am no longer stressed, bored and mentally insane as I actually have a life again. The bad thing is the fact that my work shifts change every single week, so we can't really plan anything. Hmmm, I also miss our Starbucks date's...

Thankfully we both finished work at 7pm yesterday evening, so we attended his friends BBQ (FREE FOOD!) Even though we were two hours late, there was still quite alot of food left, so we didn't miss out at all. I really enjoyed it, as we all sat in the garden, talking about funny school memories (mainly about the freaky people who more than likely turned out to be murderers) and greedy me must have ate atleast 3 slices of white chocolate cheesecake (I blame the fact that I had only eaten a bowl of porridge at 10:30am) Anyway, after a few people went home, the rest of us sat in the conservatory, drinking pimms and listening to calming music. We finally left at 11:30pm, drove back to my house with Alter Bridge playing (that band always reminds me of falling in love) and basically fell asleep as soon as our heads touched the pillow. Annoyingly the handsome boyfriend had to wake early for work. As I'm a good girlfriend, I made him a cup of coffee (in my Starbucks mug) It must be horrible to work on a Sunday! I always see it as a day of complete rest, but I suppose the more money the merrier at the moment, as we're hoping for a trip to New York. I like the fact that he always kisses me goodbye and says 'I love you'. But hate the fact that he leaves, when all I want to do is curl up with him and spend the day being lazy together...

I've realised over the past couple of weeks just how much I love to be around people. For months I spent most of my time being alone and even though I hated it, I felt comfortable. It's as if I forgot how to interact with other people. The first week at work felt slightly strange, as we were all getting to know one other and for the first time in ages, I had to talk about myself and what I like, love, hate etc. I received a lovely compliment off one of the girls. She got asked by my manager who she liked the most. She told her that she liked me, because I had such a lovely, bubbly personality and really enjoys working with me alot. Being told that you're down to earth, kind hearted and a joy to be around means more than being called 'pretty'. Looks fade, but your soul never loses it's colour...

Right, time for another cup of coffee and perhaps an hour spent organizing my life...

Indeed.

10:30pm, I sit here wearing Bridget Jones style red frumpy pyjamas, munching on my fourth slice of honey on toast, browsing www.nymag.com (the fashion section of course) whilst periodically trying to spray deodorant on an annoying moth, that keeps landing on my cool (freshly washed) guns n roses t-shirt *sighs*...

Hmmm, I've actually enjoyed work this week (even though my feet are fucked) as I've been working a few extra shifts and getting to know the people a little better. However, I don't get paid till July 10th, meaning I have another 3 weeks of being completely poor (I cringe at the thought of asking my 'mommy' for bus fare!) Urgh! Thankfully, the majority of our customer's are really friendly. Apart from two bimbo's earlier, who demanded I fetch them a size 8 pink corset dress (tacky, cheap and vulgar in my opinion) but when I returned without it, as they had all sold out (shockingly) she had the nerve to 'TUT' at me and then 'SHUUUU' me away. It was quite obvious she was a spoilt brat, as the credit card she used to pay for her VILE purchases had MR on it. It was either her daddy's or the he/she had stuffed his/her bra extremely well!..

I think I've devoured far too much toast (I say whilst covered in crumbs) You see, I always get hungry at 10pm and end up opening the fridge, praying to God that a chocolate cake would magically appear before my very eyes (unfortunately this never happens) so I skip off to bed, armed with a plate full of delicious, hot, honey covered toast and let out a little sigh of pleasure. Ooooh, keeping on the subject of pleasure, I purchased a beautiful purple dress from work yesterday evening. With my discount, it only cost me 11 (my money sign has broken on my laptop) pounds! Which of course is a complete bargain, as I fell in love with it and most things I'm besotted with are in ELLE and would realistically take me 7 months to save up my pennies to buy! That is also the reason why I want to work for a fashion magazine, as I would go home with loads of FREE dresses, shoes, bags, MAC cosmetics! *faints*

I'm feeling a little bit tired, but I want to stay awake and perhaps enjoy a few more episodes of sex & the city. Thankfully I'm not in work till 3pm, therefore do not have to set my alarm! Yeeeessss! I do however like to get to work atleast 30 minutes before my shift, as I sit in the staff room with a cup of coffee and have a bit of a chat with whoever is sorting out all of the stock. The staff room is very small, with one blue chair that wobbles from side to side and a long mirror on the wall that must make you look half a stone lighter. The walls are covered with little bits of paper with telephone numbers written down, health & safety certificates, staff rota's etc. Even though the room is a shoe box, I like sitting in there, as it always feels so calm...

Ooooh the moth has finally gone! Thank you SURE deodorant!

Right, I'm falling asleep so shall end this blog with a goodnight! and oh shit... I need to brush my teeth and find this the biggest chore of all before bedtime! I'll more than likely wake at 9am, in a big panic, thinking I have work in the morning, only to rush into the bathroom and bash my toe in the process and then realise 2 minutes later that I'm not in till the afternoon, and can get back into my lovely, cosy bed and sleep till miday....

Such a strange girl.

'Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.' -Confucius

Oh Sunday Sunday Sunday, the day of complete and utter rest. However, it feels quite strange to not have anything to do today (I say whilst sitting in bed at 3pm) I had the chance to work today, but I opted out of course as I promised myself a date with Carrie Bradshaw, the kettle and the bed. I finished work at 7pm last night, armed with another top I purchased from the store (20% discount) and rather sore feet as I decided to wear those damn gladiator sandals again. The handsome boyfriend also finished at the same time, so I found him patiently waiting for me outside of NEXT, smiling and looking adorable as usual. We drove back to his place in the rain, whilst ranting on about our retail jobs and looking forward to devouring a Dominio's pizza (that his parents had kindly purchased) I feel like a different person at his house over the past couple of weeks, more like myself infact. Unemployment turned me into a mouse. I felt as if I didn't have anything to talk about, so I would simply sit in the corner quietly and occasionally nod along. It just feels nice to have something to share, even if it is about how many hours I'll be working this week...

A contestant from 'Deal or no deal' came into the store yesterday afternoon. I found this information out as she wouldn't stop talking about how she won 17 thoooooouuuuusand pounds on the show in December 2008. She was a lovely woman, but my gosh she was a chatterbox and began informing us all that she was off on her third holiday of the year *sighs*. I might actually apply to appear on the show, as imagine if I actually won 250 THOUSAND?? Of course there is a chance I would go home with just a penny, but it's all about luck I suppose! I began thinking about money just after she left the store. Hmmm, to a certain extent it does bring you happiness. Especially if the money is given to you, and with it you fly off to Australia for 2 weeks without a care in the world. However, too much of something is bad for you. Imagine being a millionaire, knowing you could have anything you wanted. What would happen to your aspirations? Most people work hard to travel the world, to afford to live in a beautiful home etc. As much as I would love to have money, I think too much would become rather boring, as the excitement would disappear. I love the feeling of walking into a shop and buying a new outfit for 50 pound with my wages. I like daydreaming about certain things, knowing that I'll have to wait a week to purchase that beautiful dress in the window of Topshop! Hmmm it makes me appreciate those little things in life alot more...

I'm glad that I don't spend my time pottering around the house, feeling sorry for myself anymore. I completely wasted 6 months of my life being depressed. However, I learnt quite a few things about myself. I'm the kind of person who has to be busy. I have to keep my mind occupied 24/7, to avoid insanity. I keep my feelings inside far too much, when really I should have the courage to speak out a little more. This is a reason why I get frustrated with myself, because there are so many things I want to say, but always keep quiet. I like to have control, but I've realised that in a relationship it has to be equal. I dislike silence, as is makes me feel on edge. I like routine, as not having one makes me feel incapable. And last of all, I don't like being alone...

I'm actually looking forward to working over the next 6 days. I like falling asleep, knowing I have to wake up in the morning to be somewhere. I like to feel as if I'm doing something with my life, rather than sitting in the corner, watching it pass me by...

Oh life...

'Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.' - Confucius

I finished work at 4pm, with my feet throbbing with pain. It's my fault of course for wearing heels for my 4 hour shift. I've tried flat shoes on a few occasions, but I feel as though I'm plodding along like a penguin. Hmmm, if only I could wear slippers....

I must say I'm really looking forward to Sunday, as I finally get a day off. I've worked almost 50 hours this week, but the money will be a great help. Even though I'm exhausted, I've enjoyed working my bottom off. After almost 6 months of doing pretty much nothing, I now understand the meaning of 'work' and appreciate coming home to a nice cup of tea...

I'm currently in bed, nibbling on a few squares of dairy milk and sipping chamomile tea. I'm in at 3pm-7pm tomorrow, so thankfully I get a nice lie-in, followed by breakfast in bed (made by myself of course) It's going to be a busy Saturday afternoon tomorrow. I'll have to mentally prepare myself for the chaos. I spend most of my time picking up shoes after people. I'm sure they see me arranging everything neatly and then purposely decide to wind me up, by leaving them in a messy pile on the floor (fuckers) At times I get the urge to throw a pair of 5 inch platforms at their head. Hmmm, I could blame it on turrets...

I never did get any till training, which resulted in me charging a lady 21p for a dress instead of 21 pound on her visa card! (it was 9:15am, I hadn't intoxicated myself with coffee and the card machine was complicated) I only realised this an hour later when my manager came over, checking the receipts and giving me that 'what the fuck have you done!' look. Thankfully she did see the funny side of it. But instead of helping me, she walked off and left me alone with a shop full of people. Typical...Anyway, enough of my retail rant, as apart from a few annoying little things, I do enjoy my job (when people put the shoes back of course)

I'm falling asleep. I don't actually need the relaxing chamomile anymore, as I'm naturally tired again! I even had a lavender scented bath, so I'm sure in the next 5 minutes I will more than likely be unconscious. Right, maybe I should drift off into dream world with Jack Johnson singing on my Ipod? Hmmmm beautiful...

Goodnight x

'I'm not asleep... but that doesn't mean I'm awake'

'Can you put my wallet in the car drawer' the boyfriend casually asked, as he eagerly passed it to me with one of those cute grins on his face. 'Of course' I replied, completely oblivious to the actual reason why he wanted me to open up the drawer in the first place. However, once opened, he looked on curiously. His eyes glued to the drawer, eagerly waiting for me to find my 'surprise'. I wasn't expecting anything remotely exciting, other than a few tapes, a bic pen and a packet of half eaten polo's. But I must say, a complete surprise it was, as right before my eyes were.... Nickelback gig tickets (placed right at the back, next to a tape of The Carpenters greatest hits) You see, a couple of months ago I was informed that the tickets had sold out, so I accepted the fact that I wouldn't be able to see them perform, the day before my 21st birthday. But of course, the handsome man made sure that he would put a smile on my face that sunny afternoon, and he sure did...

The gig itself was amazing! It felt so great to get the chance to hear Chad Kroeger sing 'How you remind me', 'Photograph' and 'Far Away' live. They are such a talented band and I lost myself in the music, as I watched on completely mesmerized. Of course this was only one of my many beautiful birthday presents, I say as I sit here sipping coffee out of my new Starbucks mug, whilst typing away on my new laptop. I also received a cool fashion book, necklace, digital camera, brown gladiator sandals, pretty dress (cleavage galore) Guns n Roses rock t-shirt, a cute Abercrombie hoody (as I kept stealing my boyfriend's!) and was treated to a delicious sushi meal, followed by a road trip to York (which changed to Leeds due to the rain!) It was nice to get the chance to spend a little more time with one another. However, I always end up missing him more...

Waking up at 6am felt rather strange on Thursday morning, as for the first time in 6 whole months, I needed to get out of bed for something other than porridge and an episode of America's Next Top Model. I had to... wait for it....leave my warm cosy bed for WORK! You see I always set my alarm 15 minutes before I need to wake up, as I actually enjoy pressing the snooze button! It feels as if I'm having a lie-in, even though in actual fact I'm not. Trick of the mind of course... Anyway, the boyfriend stayed over, so he kindly drove me to my destination. I felt extremely nervous, therefore I felt myself being a slight bitch in the car, as I tried to control my 'panic attack'. I felt terrible, as he was trying to make me feel positive and I sat there, picking my nail varnish and telling him that I wanted to commit suicide. I applied more mascara, whilst he got some more petrol (I sat there inhaling of course) but then started a relaxing breathing exercise, that I once heard on a Paul Mckenna CD. After all, we are in control of ourselves and I knew my over emotional outbursts were just making my nerves feel even worse. Thankfully when I arrived, I had pulled myself together (ish) and once out of the car, I began walking towards the store in my clicking heels, hoping that I had simply worried over nothing (which is just what I had done. Typical)

The clothes store wasn't due to open till Saturday morning, but they needed a few people to help out. I didn't realise it would be so much hard work! I stayed for over 10 hours and when I informed my boss at 7:15pm that I needed to leave, she gave me a look as if to say 'No, keep unpacking those shoes!!' but I headed home anyway, as my bus is every hour after 6pm and I didn't want to be waiting around like a marshmallow. The following day, one of the manager's asked us why we left so early and went on to give us a speech about commitment. It went a little like this...

'I was here till 10:30pm last night, helping out and wanting to make this store a success! Whilst a few of you left early, leaving us with all of the work. I have a daughter and a life you know!!'

I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or hit her on the head with my evian bottle. I was slaving away for 10 fucking hours and then had to get two buses home. She spent most of the day, talking on her mobile, telling people what to do, eating biscuits and shopping at Primark! (two days in a row, she came in with bags full of clothes, informing us all she had a lovely afternoon spending her money on pretty dresses) and could then drive home at whatever time she felt. She was obviously only pissed off, as when the slaves went home, she had to actually do some form of work...

I left work at 7pm on Saturday evening with a few new clothes to wear for uniform (40% staff discount) and was greeted once again by the handsome man (who made me a bowl of crunchy cereal and made sure I put my feet up with a cup of tea too. Bless) It felt lovely to feel exhausted. I haven't tired myself out in months, therefore I used all of my energy on over-thinking. However, the only thing I can think about right now is SLEEP! I'm only working for 3 months over the summer, so hopefully time will pass by really quickly. I worked 9am- 1pm today, however I was left to fend for myself in a busy clothes store (without any training) whilst the manager's sat in the back, scoffing their fat arses with Maryland cookies. I found this extremely rude, as I kept making mistakes on the till and all they could do was laugh at me. Of course without training, I am unable to do my job properly! I felt quite angry, as I stood there listening to 'Just dance' by Lady GaGa for the 100th time (we only have 1 CD you see, so my whole morning felt like ground hog day) I had a queue of people waiting to go into the changing rooms, another few waiting to be served and other people tapping me on the shoulder, asking me to fetch bags, shoes, skirts and all sorts. Thank fuck I am now home, curled up in my warm hoody and intoxicating myself with caffiene! Any longer and I think I might have killed myself with a coat hanger and a leopard print belt...

Hmmm a lavender scented bath, followed by an early night with Sex & the city?

Indeed....