The life of a herbal tea drinking daydreamer...

In 3 weeks time I’ll be a University student, studying Creative & Professional Writing and English. I must say I’m extremely excited. I’m looking forward to morning lectures with a Costa Coffee (thankfully we have one on the campus) and also the chance to meet new people who also have an interest in writing. I don’t actually know anyone else who wants to be a writer, so it will be good to have conversations about wanting to be the next ‘Stephanie Myer’s’.

I had to inform the assistant manager at work about my University plans. I have a feeling she doesn’t want me to leave, as she didn’t seem very pleased about the news. I could quite possibly change my contract to 8 hours, as the extra money per week would be a great help (plus, I want to keep my discount!) but a few girls will be leaving to continue with their studies, so after September the manager will be desperate for new staff. The only people who seem to be applying are 16-18 year olds, only willing to work weekends. I on the other hand have been flexible, so with me either leaving or only working the odd evening will more than likely cause a bit of frustration. The job itself is beginning to annoy me as 1) I seem to do everything, whilst the managers scoff custard creams in the staff room 2) 4.77 an hour is daylight robbery AND 3) The kitchen smells like mould and people leave teabags everywhere!

My life seems to have consisted have work, work, work over the summer. On the positive side, I have kept myself busy, therefore my insanity disappeared. I earned enough money to pay for my New York flight; meaning a fantastic start to the New Year. My boyfriend works in the same shopping centre, so we see each other a lot more. On the negative side I haven’t been on many exciting road trips, as I haven’t had the time. I’m tired and seem to be sleeping a lot more (zzzzzzzzzzzzz) and I’ve actually gone off clothes (shocking for a fashion addict) as I’m unpacking, hanging and picking dresses from off the floor 24/7. However, my craving for coffee and muffins has increasing as I have to pass at least 3 coffee shops on the way to work. Most times I simply cannot resist the smell of the freshly baked almond cakes. Simply delightful.

I think I am officially the clumsiest person in the world. I’ll tell you why…

It was a lovely warm summer evening, sat in my boyfriend’s sister’s garden, surrounded by the smell of sausages, burgers and the sound of laugher. I was innocently sitting there, enjoying my plate of pasta, when a horrible wasp decided to attack me. A few waves of the arms and high pitched squeals later, the damn thing STUNG my finger. So of course, in a frantic panic my plate full of food fell on the floor (thankfully the golden retriever seemed to enjoy gobbling up the mess) in total embarrassment, I headed towards the house to swill my finger underneath the cold tap. But on the way to the door, I dropped my fork onto an old mans foot!!!! Thankfully he saw the funny side of it, I however couldn’t stop apologizing, whilst my cheeks turned ruby red. After soothing the pain of the wasp sting, I sat in the bathroom for a few moments (to hide from everyone) Once ready to face the world, I headed back outside to get a drink, only to then SPILL the majority of the jug over and soak the whole table!!! I cannot believe how clumsy I was being! I hadn’t even had a glass of wine! Hmmm, and to make matters worse I swore in front of a vicar, Oh dear…

I keep sneezing. Hopefully it's just a cold and not swine flu (as I don't get sick pay and I'm not too keen on spending half of the summer in bed with a box of Kleenex)

My mother informed me yesterday that she will be getting married in September 2010. She's been with her boyfriend for just over a year, and of course things are serious. However, when I heard the news I felt completely shocked. In all honesty, I feel as if he has stolen her away from us. We all used to be so close, but ever since he walked into her life, she spends most of her time locked away in her bedroom with him. Even when he's working, she hibernates in her room alone and only ever leaves to make a cup of coffee. She doesn't seem to want to meet for lunch anymore and the loving hugs she used to give us, seem to have disappeared. I congratulated her, basically faking my happiness. The truth is, I'm not happy about the news, because I know that once he finally lives here, he'll more than likely come first. I can't tell her how I really feel, because it will cause so much tension and I don't want to ruin anything, because she seems so deeply happy. Thankfully my sisters feel the same, so atleast I'm not the only one feeling this way. Am I just being selfish?...

Hmm, having different work shifts each week is beginning to really get on my nerves, as I can't seem to plan anything. The boyfriends work hours change weekly also, so we find ourselves having to see each other for a few hours here and there. However, I do appreciate every minute we spend together, but it would be great to just have one day off together and drive off into the sunshine (I'm daydreaming again) His friend from New York (the guy we will be staying with in January) is coming to London at the end of the month. It will be fantastic to finally meet him and a chance to have a couple of days off work to explore, laze around in coffee shops and have fun. I paid off the rest of my flight money on pay day, so I am now left with pennies. On the positive side, atleast I don't owe anybody any money. The annoying thing is, I have already wasted a bit (ok, the things I purchased are pretty and I will wear/use them of course) but I promised that I would be careful. Am I just a typical girl? (I blame elle.com)

I am rather thankful that I didn't need to be in work today. I doubt I would have been much help, plodding along with a pocket full of tissues (attchhhhooo) Usually on my days off, I waste far too much time complaining that I'm bored. But surprisingly, boredom hasn't even crossed my mind today. I've pretty much spent my afternoon, curled up in bed, nibbling on jam on toast, trying to rid myself of 'swine flu' (please please please don't let me have it!!) I haven't minded being a hermit at all. It's actually been quite enjoyable! Hmmm, I'm working 4pm-8pm tomorrow (Yes, 4 hour shifts seem like nothing, but they do tend to drag) My boyfriend finish's at 9pm, so I think I'll steal his car keys, curl up on the back seat and read the latest copy of ELLE, whilst I wait for him. Annoyingly, I can't afford to sit in Starbucks (I say with a frown) I wish they gave out FREE coffee to POOR addicts! Maybe I should simply smile and flutter my eyelashes? (hopefully the butch looking lesbian that works evenings will give into my charms)

I'm currently stalking my cousin's pictures on Facebook. He's one of those really cool guys who studied photography in London, has equally cool friends who all wear vintage clothes (ripped 80s denim and really BIG hair) are extremely photogenic and even look beautiful in the morning after a drunken night out. I'm browsing through his New York albums. Every picture looks as if it should be in Vogue. He's from my father's side of the family. Most of them are quite rich. One cousin even designs jeans for Urban Outfitters (maybe I should inform them, so I can get myself a discount???)

It's 6pm, I'm still sneezing. Maybe I should make myself a green & lemon tea and relax in a lavender scented bath?

P.S- I'm so in love with boyfriend blazers....

Until Next Time

x

I've realised over the past couple of weeks, just how sensitive I really am. I always try to float around in life, without a care in the world. Because the truth is, I am petrified of reality. Maybe my father's death still affects me years later. Instead of dealing with it all at the time, I hid my feelings away, because I didn't want it to be real. As a child, you're numb to the world. It's as if life is one huge playground. Usually the only pain you feel, is the pain of a grazed knee. Not the pain of knowing that your father had basically drank himself to death and you'll never see him again. I can still remember the feeling inside, it's as if thousands of butterflies dance around in your stomach, your heart frantically thumping and you lose yourself in a wave of uncontrolable tears, feeling so trapped, suffocated and utterly devastated. I've never experienced such immense pain. Therefore, it's as if I completely closed off from everyone, because I associated reality with hurt.

I still feel a little bit lost at times. Maybe growing up without the feeling of security is the main reason why. I was forever searching for comfort. I felt as if my feelings were exposed to the world, everybody saw the vulnerable side of me for so many years, so I now understand why I went through my 'cold hearted' phase a couple of years ago. Blocking out everyone and everything was the only way to protect myself. But behind the 'carefree' attitude, I was still the same little girl, desperate for somebody to hold me.

I've had an over-emotional week, which seemed to aggravate me alot, because I've been feeling so happy for the past couple of months. I need to realise that I'm only human and it's perfectly ok to cry. However, I'm allergic to sadness. Depression is like an itchy rash, it gets worse the more you scratch it.

It's such a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon. So, instead of over-analysing my emotional week, I think it's wise to make myself a cup of milky tea and write down a list of all the things that make me truly happy in life...

Until Next Time

x