I've realised over the past couple of weeks, just how sensitive I really am. I always try to float around in life, without a care in the world. Because the truth is, I am petrified of reality. Maybe my father's death still affects me years later. Instead of dealing with it all at the time, I hid my feelings away, because I didn't want it to be real. As a child, you're numb to the world. It's as if life is one huge playground. Usually the only pain you feel, is the pain of a grazed knee. Not the pain of knowing that your father had basically drank himself to death and you'll never see him again. I can still remember the feeling inside, it's as if thousands of butterflies dance around in your stomach, your heart frantically thumping and you lose yourself in a wave of uncontrolable tears, feeling so trapped, suffocated and utterly devastated. I've never experienced such immense pain. Therefore, it's as if I completely closed off from everyone, because I associated reality with hurt.

I still feel a little bit lost at times. Maybe growing up without the feeling of security is the main reason why. I was forever searching for comfort. I felt as if my feelings were exposed to the world, everybody saw the vulnerable side of me for so many years, so I now understand why I went through my 'cold hearted' phase a couple of years ago. Blocking out everyone and everything was the only way to protect myself. But behind the 'carefree' attitude, I was still the same little girl, desperate for somebody to hold me.

I've had an over-emotional week, which seemed to aggravate me alot, because I've been feeling so happy for the past couple of months. I need to realise that I'm only human and it's perfectly ok to cry. However, I'm allergic to sadness. Depression is like an itchy rash, it gets worse the more you scratch it.

It's such a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon. So, instead of over-analysing my emotional week, I think it's wise to make myself a cup of milky tea and write down a list of all the things that make me truly happy in life...

Until Next Time

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