'There is a light that never goes out' The Smiths, fill the silence in my room.

I've spent most of my Sunday afternoon hibernating in here. Only going downstairs for the odd cup of tea. I'm thankful that University seems to occupy my mind. Without all of that research, essays and endless reading, I would over think far too much. I'm sat by the window, an empty cup to my left, a bottle of nail varnish to my right and a pile of books behind me. I've been quiet today, far too quiet. I stopped taking microgynon (horrible contraceptive pill) on Thursday. Maybe I should have spoken to the nurse about it? I just read online that it takes time to get out of your system. I'm hoping that I feel like 'me' again soon. I cannot believe I spent months swallowing hormones. That evil little box turned me into a monster. I also left my job. It was really upsetting me, so I just didn't turn up for my shift one day. I just thought 'Fuck it.' I'm never allowing any boss to treat me like a slave. I suppose what I'm trying to do is... get rid of all of the negativity in my life. Working for bulldog stressed me out and on top of that taking the pill fucked up my hormones, so I feel rather relieved that I can now put them both in the past. However, I still feel a bit angry and all over the place. It will take time for my hormones to settle down, so maybe instead of forcing myself to feel normal again, I should let everything fall into place, naturally. When I feel angry, I should punch a pillow, instead of taking it out on my relationship. I know that my mood swings have affected it. Last night in the car, my boyfriend turned to me and said 'I wish this relationship was easier.' The thing is, all relationships will have their ups and downs. Nothing will ever be perfect, but I know that if it wasn't for my anger, then we would be just fine.

I couldn't sleep last night. I was sat there at 2am, thinking about my life over the past year or so. I ended up sending my boyfriend a long message on Facebook. I was so worried that I'm not making him happy. I'm not even sure that he has read it, as I haven't heard from him all day (which is unlike him) Clumsy me made him spill tea all over his laptop and it refused to work last night. I hope that he gets it fixed. I hate feeling stressed. It just turns me into a wreck. I've lost my appetite too. I just cannot physically eat much at all.Hmmm, now that I have waved goodbye to those negative things in my life, I just want to move on, with a smile on my face. I'm so desperate to make everything right. I want the next few months of 2009 to be fabulous. I want to work hard and pass my first semester at Uni, I want an amazing Christmas with the people I love and most of all, I want the boyfriend and I to be as happy as possible. Spending time at the German Market, surrounded by Christmas songs, decorations and enjoying hot chocolate and the smell of beer and gingerbread. I'm so in love and this relationship means the world to me. I hate myself for fucking it up over the past few months. I just can't wait to feel at ease again, I want to be 'me' again.