http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/...who loves Starbucks, honey soap from LUSH, tree hugging, the smell of petrol and oooooh cheesecake!en-EUMokoFeed10http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/54/c979759244122015ef590007256eef_160x200.jpghttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/10/17/why-does-a-milky-cup-of-tea-in-my-venti-7190530/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-10-17:/2009/10/17/why-does-a-milky-cup-of-tea-in-my-venti-7190530/Sat, 17 Oct 2009 23:03:21 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/4013699" title=""><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/699/4013699_c83f6ce090_m.jpeg" alt=""></a></p> <p>Why does a milky cup of tea in my venti Starbucks mug make everything feel better? Maybe it's the warmth of it? Or the fact that it's stolen and I saved myself 7 pounds? (terrible of me? I know!) I wouldn't say I was miserable today, I'm just feeling a little sensitive, perhaps a tad 'melo dramatic' It's only because I wish I could spend a little more time with my boyfriend (a long story that I shall not go into, because I've solved it in my mind and haven't the time to get all 'deep') and the fact that it's 10:55pm and he's out with his friends, probably getting a bit drunk and I'm sat in my kitchen (that looks like a library, with the amount of literature books I have on the table) listening to the fireworks and periodically stalking people on facebook. </p> <p>I'm in the middle of writing a plot for my short story for Creative Writing class. It's basically about a girl (I've named her Ellen) who doesn't believe in fate, is extremely routined and doesn't really have a life. But one rainy afternoon, her predictable routine doesn't go according to plan and a few things happen to her along the way, she eventually ends up missing her train. This particular train crashes. So it's all about self discovery, realising that there is more meaning to life and things happen for a reason. It probably sounds like a pile of shit, but I'm sticking with it, as I've changed it 3 times now and I only have a few days to hand it into my American Lecturer, who reminds me of Alanis Morissette (without the guitar and hippy clothes)</p> <p>I'll always be an over-thinker. I say to myself that I'll stop, but somehow the thoughts will continue to play on my mind. The fireworks sound like bombs falling from the sky.... and my mug is now empty. Maybe I should make myself a coffee instead? I do plan to stay awake till around 3ish. I need the caffeine to stimulate my mind. I want to get this story done. I know I'm not the only who worries. I'm only human after all. We all get insecure moments. Maybe being a stereotypical Gemini doesn't help either. Natural born worriers we are! But do I even believe in all of that shit??</p> <p>I'm boiling the kettle now...</p> <p>Hmm, hot water & lemon. I changed my mind you see. Need to keep the complexion glowing, after all! I have noticed the change in my state of mind. I remember a few months ago, everything angered me. It's as if anything put me in a grumpy mood and at one point I seriously wanted to kill myself. It's been almost 2 weeks since the last time I took a pill (contraception, not an E!) I'm finally feeling the difference. It's as if I have control of myself again, mentally. I've haven't felt this sane in months! I could run up a mountain like Maria in Sound Of Music, arms spread out wide, singing and feeling FREE.</p> <p>Rocker boy text me yesterday (remember Pete Doherty lookalike?) He does from time to time, always asks if everything is ok. I do reply, I'm not sure whether it's because I secretly enjoy the fact that my life is great and I like to rub it in? There will always be that one person who screwed you over. I hope he see's me as 'The one that got away' Who wants to be a groupie anyway who gets ignored, whilst he plays his guitar for 7 hours.</p> <p>What is with ex boyfriends today? I have one talking to me on facebook about him breaking up with his girlfriend. This was another guy that broke my heart (you understand why I have my insecure moments?) He's the one from London who only wanted to fuck me on weekends, but being young and naive, I thought we would fall in love. I laugh about it all now. You do when you grow older and wiser and ask yourself why you put up with pathetic things. It's all a part of growing up of course. </p> <p>You live, you learn.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/10/17/why-does-a-milky-cup-of-tea-in-my-venti-7190530/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>facebook-milky-teahttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/10/17/why-does-a-milky-cup-of-tea-in-my-venti-7190530/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/10/09/the-boyfriend-has-just-presented-me-with-a-cup-of-7133846/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-10-09:/2009/10/09/the-boyfriend-has-just-presented-me-with-a-cup-of-7133846/Fri, 09 Oct 2009 21:10:20 +0200 <p> <a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3992261" title=""><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/261/3992261_d4ef7b5991_m.jpeg" alt=""></a></p> <p>'There is a light that never goes out' The Smiths, fill the silence in my room. </p> <p>I've spent most of my Sunday afternoon hibernating in here. Only going downstairs for the odd cup of tea. I'm thankful that University seems to occupy my mind. Without all of that research, essays and endless reading, I would over think far too much. I'm sat by the window, an empty cup to my left, a bottle of nail varnish to my right and a pile of books behind me. I've been quiet today, far too quiet. I stopped taking microgynon (horrible contraceptive pill) on Thursday. Maybe I should have spoken to the nurse about it? I just read online that it takes time to get out of your system. I'm hoping that I feel like 'me' again soon. I cannot believe I spent months swallowing hormones. That evil little box turned me into a monster. I also left my job. It was really upsetting me, so I just didn't turn up for my shift one day. I just thought 'Fuck it.' I'm never allowing any boss to treat me like a slave. I suppose what I'm trying to do is... get rid of all of the negativity in my life. Working for bulldog stressed me out and on top of that taking the pill fucked up my hormones, so I feel rather relieved that I can now put them both in the past. However, I still feel a bit angry and all over the place. It will take time for my hormones to settle down, so maybe instead of forcing myself to feel normal again, I should let everything fall into place, naturally. When I feel angry, I should punch a pillow, instead of taking it out on my relationship. I know that my mood swings have affected it. Last night in the car, my boyfriend turned to me and said 'I wish this relationship was easier.' The thing is, all relationships will have their ups and downs. Nothing will ever be perfect, but I know that if it wasn't for my anger, then we would be just fine.</p> <p>I couldn't sleep last night. I was sat there at 2am, thinking about my life over the past year or so. I ended up sending my boyfriend a long message on Facebook. I was so worried that I'm not making him happy. I'm not even sure that he has read it, as I haven't heard from him all day (which is unlike him) Clumsy me made him spill tea all over his laptop and it refused to work last night. I hope that he gets it fixed. I hate feeling stressed. It just turns me into a wreck. I've lost my appetite too. I just cannot physically eat much at all.Hmmm, now that I have waved goodbye to those negative things in my life, I just want to move on, with a smile on my face. I'm so desperate to make everything right. I want the next few months of 2009 to be fabulous. I want to work hard and pass my first semester at Uni, I want an amazing Christmas with the people I love and most of all, I want the boyfriend and I to be as happy as possible. Spending time at the German Market, surrounded by Christmas songs, decorations and enjoying hot chocolate and the smell of beer and gingerbread. I'm so in love and this relationship means the world to me. I hate myself for fucking it up over the past few months. I just can't wait to feel at ease again, I want to be 'me' again.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/10/09/the-boyfriend-has-just-presented-me-with-a-cup-of-7133846/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>hormoneshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/10/09/the-boyfriend-has-just-presented-me-with-a-cup-of-7133846/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/09/26/university-microgynon-and-my-boss-is-a-bulldog-7044561/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-09-26:/2009/09/26/university-microgynon-and-my-boss-is-a-bulldog-7044561/Sat, 26 Sep 2009 16:59:11 +0200 <p>I've fallen in love with a double breasted Men's style tweed coat.</p> <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3938099" title=""><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/099/3938099_506f17ab99_m.jpeg" alt=""></a></p> <p>Unfortunately, I haven't got a spare 120 pounds (damn student loan)</p> <p>Hmmm, I've spent the majority of my time (and money) sat in Starbucks, curled up on a cosy leather chair, sipping fair trade coffee out of a Venti mug, whilst chatting and laughing with my new University friends. Thankfully, we all added one another on facebook a couple of weeks ago, got chatting and arranged to meet up an hour before we were due to have our Uni welcome and course inductions. Surprisingly, we all really get on (even though we are all completely different) we have a punk, a geek, a posh blonde who lives in a village, a 30 year old gay man and a muse addict with 15 tattoos...</p> <p>If you want to keep your sanity. Do NOT take Microgynon. I've been taking this contraceptive pill since January. I was perfectly fine for the first couple of months. However, recently I have become increasingly psychotic. Mood swings, suicide thoughts, extreme jealousy, anger etc. At first I just thought I was having another one of my 'depressive' moments. But I decided to do a bit of research and found out that this pill can affect your state of mind. I've read and have even heard stories about how mental this can make you. I now understand why I have been feeling so down over the past few weeks. I'm booking an appointment with my nurse for Tuesday morning, as I refuse to swallow a pill that makes me want to kill myself</p> <p>... AND my boss. Ever since I informed (I'll nickname her a bull dog, as she's 4'9 with butch shoulders, has short spiky blonde hair and growls when people enter the shop 5 minutes before closing time) anyway, ever since I informed BULLDOG that I will be attending University and will need to cut down my hours, she has been a complete and utter bitch. I actually feel like Cinderfuckingrella, when she throws the broom at me and demands I 'sweep the shop floor from top to bottom'. You see, I wouldn't usually moan BUT it's the evil way she demands and never uses the words 'please' or 'thank you'. She spends the majority of the time in the office, sitting on her fat arse, drinking tea and eating rich tea biscuits, whilst everyone else... WORKS. Yesterday morning, she kept moaning on about 'how much she hates students' as they have 'ruined her life!'. What else does she expect when she hires a bunch of 18 year olds? Most of the time the company only hire people under the age of 19, as they only have to pay them 3.77 per hour. I feel as if she is using cleaning as a way to punish me. It's as if she enjoys watching me struggle with the rubbish and getting on my hands and knees to wipe the floor. This is most definitely a form of bullying. And this time, I'm will not be letting her get away with it...</p> <p>Right, I have to read the book 'Wise Children' for my 'Introduction to Literature' class. Time to make myself a milky cup of tea, curl up and read read read!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/09/26/university-microgynon-and-my-boss-is-a-bulldog-7044561/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>uni-boss-microgynonhttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/09/26/university-microgynon-and-my-boss-is-a-bulldog-7044561/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/09/13/university-nerves-6956643/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-09-13:/2009/09/13/university-nerves-6956643/Sun, 13 Sep 2009 19:53:10 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3890566" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/566/3890566_8e5d38d92c_m.jpeg" alt=""></a></p> <p>So, after a year of waiting. University is finally here. Fresher's week starts tomorrow, so I have spent the last 4 hours wondering what to wear, getting all my paperwork sorted and... basically having a nervous breakdown. Thankfully, the wonderful world of facebook allowed me to track down a few people who will be on my course (Creative Writing & English) so we have all arranged to meet at 9am, outside Starbucks (I'm going to be needing alot of coffee) I suppose it's great that I won't be all alone, trying to find the building for the induction, walking into the wrong class and getting extremely embarrassed. I'll have people around me, making everything feel less scary! (Phew)</p> <p>I haven't been writing as many blogs lately (I blame work of course) because when I get home, all I want to do is sip herbal tea and sleep for hours. The great thing is, I have changed my contract. I'm just going to be working over the weekend as 1) I will desperately need the money and 2) I'd miss my discount if I ever did leave!!!</p> <p> I was in London 2 weeks ago, meeting a friend of my boyfriend's from New York (I must say I LOVED his accent) I can tell he misses America dearly (the boyfriend that is) as he studied over there for his second year of Uni and met loads of great people. I always wonder if he would prefer to be over there, rather than living in England with his long term girlfriend? Maybe that's just the paranoid side of me? He just doesn't seem as happy as usual. Maybe because I'm starting Uni and studying something I love, he feels slightly... hmmm, I wouldn't say jealous but... kind of annoyed because I know that he wanted to continue with his studies this year, but the course was full up, as he applied too late. I sent him a chocolate brownie in the post a few days ago, I hope it cheered him up!</p> <p>It just finally feels as if my life is falling into place. I spent 3 years, feeling lost and not knowing what I wanted. But maybe things happen for a reason? If I would have stayed on at college, I would have ended up going to another university and probably would have never met Matt? Life is never how you plan it. I suppose that is why I enjoy living spontaniously. It's alot more fun that way.</p> <p>It's 7:40pm. I don't know what to do with myself. I have everything organized for tomorrow (shocking for a scatterbrain like me) and have even neatly laid out my clothes! Maybe I should have a long relaxing bath, read a fashion magazine and try and wash away my worries of tomorrow? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/09/13/university-nerves-6956643/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>uni-nerveshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/09/13/university-nerves-6956643/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/08/28/i-don-t-like-wasps-and-swearing-in-front-of-vicars-6837765/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-08-27:/2009/08/28/i-don-t-like-wasps-and-swearing-in-front-of-vicars-6837765/Fri, 28 Aug 2009 00:30:21 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3832421" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/421/3832421_ca1dd4a26b_m.jpeg" alt=""></a></p> <p>In 3 weeks time I’ll be a University student, studying Creative & Professional Writing and English. I must say I’m extremely excited. I’m looking forward to morning lectures with a Costa Coffee (thankfully we have one on the campus) and also the chance to meet new people who also have an interest in writing. I don’t actually know anyone else who wants to be a writer, so it will be good to have conversations about wanting to be the next ‘Stephanie Myer’s’. </p> <p>I had to inform the assistant manager at work about my University plans. I have a feeling she doesn’t want me to leave, as she didn’t seem very pleased about the news. I could quite possibly change my contract to 8 hours, as the extra money per week would be a great help (plus, I want to keep my discount!) but a few girls will be leaving to continue with their studies, so after September the manager will be desperate for new staff. The only people who seem to be applying are 16-18 year olds, only willing to work weekends. I on the other hand have been flexible, so with me either leaving or only working the odd evening will more than likely cause a bit of frustration. The job itself is beginning to annoy me as 1) I seem to do everything, whilst the managers scoff custard creams in the staff room 2) 4.77 an hour is daylight robbery AND 3) The kitchen smells like mould and people leave teabags everywhere!</p> <p>My life seems to have consisted have work, work, work over the summer. On the positive side, I have kept myself busy, therefore my insanity disappeared. I earned enough money to pay for my New York flight; meaning a fantastic start to the New Year. My boyfriend works in the same shopping centre, so we see each other a lot more. On the negative side I haven’t been on many exciting road trips, as I haven’t had the time. I’m tired and seem to be sleeping a lot more (zzzzzzzzzzzzz) and I’ve actually gone off clothes (shocking for a fashion addict) as I’m unpacking, hanging and picking dresses from off the floor 24/7. However, my craving for coffee and muffins has increasing as I have to pass at least 3 coffee shops on the way to work. Most times I simply cannot resist the smell of the freshly baked almond cakes. Simply delightful.</p> <p>I think I am officially the clumsiest person in the world. I’ll tell you why…</p> <p>It was a lovely warm summer evening, sat in my boyfriend’s sister’s garden, surrounded by the smell of sausages, burgers and the sound of laugher. I was innocently sitting there, enjoying my plate of pasta, when a horrible wasp decided to attack me. A few waves of the arms and high pitched squeals later, the damn thing STUNG my finger. So of course, in a frantic panic my plate full of food fell on the floor (thankfully the golden retriever seemed to enjoy gobbling up the mess) in total embarrassment, I headed towards the house to swill my finger underneath the cold tap. But on the way to the door, I dropped my fork onto an old mans foot!!!! Thankfully he saw the funny side of it, I however couldn’t stop apologizing, whilst my cheeks turned ruby red. After soothing the pain of the wasp sting, I sat in the bathroom for a few moments (to hide from everyone) Once ready to face the world, I headed back outside to get a drink, only to then SPILL the majority of the jug over and soak the whole table!!! I cannot believe how clumsy I was being! I hadn’t even had a glass of wine! Hmmm, and to make matters worse I swore in front of a vicar, Oh dear… </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/08/28/i-don-t-like-wasps-and-swearing-in-front-of-vicars-6837765/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>wasps-vicarshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/08/28/i-don-t-like-wasps-and-swearing-in-front-of-vicars-6837765/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/08/12/sneezing-weddings-working-and-cool-people-6711323/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-08-12:/2009/08/12/sneezing-weddings-working-and-cool-people-6711323/Wed, 12 Aug 2009 18:13:41 +0200 <p> I keep sneezing. Hopefully it's just a cold and not swine flu (as I don't get sick pay and I'm not too keen on spending half of the summer in bed with a box of Kleenex) </p> <p>My mother informed me yesterday that she will be getting married in September 2010. She's been with her boyfriend for just over a year, and of course things are serious. However, when I heard the news I felt completely shocked. In all honesty, I feel as if he has stolen her away from us. We all used to be so close, but ever since he walked into her life, she spends most of her time locked away in her bedroom with him. Even when he's working, she hibernates in her room alone and only ever leaves to make a cup of coffee. She doesn't seem to want to meet for lunch anymore and the loving hugs she used to give us, seem to have disappeared. I congratulated her, basically faking my happiness. The truth is, I'm not happy about the news, because I know that once he finally lives here, he'll more than likely come first. I can't tell her how I really feel, because it will cause so much tension and I don't want to ruin anything, because she seems so deeply happy. Thankfully my sisters feel the same, so atleast I'm not the only one feeling this way. Am I just being selfish?...</p> <p>Hmm, having different work shifts each week is beginning to really get on my nerves, as I can't seem to plan anything. The boyfriends work hours change weekly also, so we find ourselves having to see each other for a few hours here and there. However, I do appreciate every minute we spend together, but it would be great to just have one day off together and drive off into the sunshine (I'm daydreaming again) His friend from New York (the guy we will be staying with in January) is coming to London at the end of the month. It will be fantastic to finally meet him and a chance to have a couple of days off work to explore, laze around in coffee shops and have fun. I paid off the rest of my flight money on pay day, so I am now left with pennies. On the positive side, atleast I don't owe anybody any money. The annoying thing is, I have already wasted a bit (ok, the things I purchased are pretty and I will wear/use them of course) but I promised that I would be careful. Am I just a typical girl? (I blame elle.com)</p> <p>I am rather thankful that I didn't need to be in work today. I doubt I would have been much help, plodding along with a pocket full of tissues (attchhhhooo) Usually on my days off, I waste far too much time complaining that I'm bored. But surprisingly, boredom hasn't even crossed my mind today. I've pretty much spent my afternoon, curled up in bed, nibbling on jam on toast, trying to rid myself of 'swine flu' (please please please don't let me have it!!) I haven't minded being a hermit at all. It's actually been quite enjoyable! Hmmm, I'm working 4pm-8pm tomorrow (Yes, 4 hour shifts seem like nothing, but they do tend to drag) My boyfriend finish's at 9pm, so I think I'll steal his car keys, curl up on the back seat and read the latest copy of ELLE, whilst I wait for him. Annoyingly, I can't afford to sit in Starbucks (I say with a frown) I wish they gave out FREE coffee to POOR addicts! Maybe I should simply smile and flutter my eyelashes? (hopefully the butch looking lesbian that works evenings will give into my charms)</p> <p>I'm currently stalking my cousin's pictures on Facebook. He's one of those really cool guys who studied photography in London, has equally cool friends who all wear vintage clothes (ripped 80s denim and really BIG hair) are extremely photogenic and even look beautiful in the morning after a drunken night out. I'm browsing through his New York albums. Every picture looks as if it should be in Vogue. He's from my father's side of the family. Most of them are quite rich. One cousin even designs jeans for Urban Outfitters (maybe I should inform them, so I can get myself a discount???)</p> <p>It's 6pm, I'm still sneezing. Maybe I should make myself a green & lemon tea and relax in a lavender scented bath?</p> <p>P.S- I'm so in love with boyfriend blazers....<br> <a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3780920" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/920/3780920_c69a8f889c_m.jpeg" alt=""></a></p> <p>Until Next Time</p> <p>x</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/08/12/sneezing-weddings-working-and-cool-people-6711323/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>sneezinghttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/08/12/sneezing-weddings-working-and-cool-people-6711323/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/08/09/oooh-emotions-6684872/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-08-09:/2009/08/09/oooh-emotions-6684872/Sun, 09 Aug 2009 14:01:34 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3746295" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/295/3746295_4aabd3b7ff_m.jpeg" alt=""></a></p> <p>I've realised over the past couple of weeks, just how sensitive I really am. I always try to float around in life, without a care in the world. Because the truth is, I am petrified of reality. Maybe my father's death still affects me years later. Instead of dealing with it all at the time, I hid my feelings away, because I didn't want it to be real. As a child, you're numb to the world. It's as if life is one huge playground. Usually the only pain you feel, is the pain of a grazed knee. Not the pain of knowing that your father had basically drank himself to death and you'll never see him again. I can still remember the feeling inside, it's as if thousands of butterflies dance around in your stomach, your heart frantically thumping and you lose yourself in a wave of uncontrolable tears, feeling so trapped, suffocated and utterly devastated. I've never experienced such immense pain. Therefore, it's as if I completely closed off from everyone, because I associated reality with hurt.</p> <p>I still feel a little bit lost at times. Maybe growing up without the feeling of security is the main reason why. I was forever searching for comfort. I felt as if my feelings were exposed to the world, everybody saw the vulnerable side of me for so many years, so I now understand why I went through my 'cold hearted' phase a couple of years ago. Blocking out everyone and everything was the only way to protect myself. But behind the 'carefree' attitude, I was still the same little girl, desperate for somebody to hold me.</p> <p>I've had an over-emotional week, which seemed to aggravate me alot, because I've been feeling so happy for the past couple of months. I need to realise that I'm only human and it's perfectly ok to cry. However, I'm allergic to sadness. Depression is like an itchy rash, it gets worse the more you scratch it. </p> <p>It's such a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon. So, instead of over-analysing my emotional week, I think it's wise to make myself a cup of milky tea and write down a list of all the things that make me truly happy in life...</p> <p>Until Next Time</p> <p>x </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/08/09/oooh-emotions-6684872/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>emotionshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/08/09/oooh-emotions-6684872/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/07/29/rain-rain-go-away-come-back-another-day-6611306/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-07-29:/2009/07/29/rain-rain-go-away-come-back-another-day-6611306/Wed, 29 Jul 2009 14:22:00 +0200 <p>It’s like <strong>raaaaaaaaiiiiinnn</strong>…. On the day that you come home from work, soaking wet and realise that you have forgotten your house key! Hmm, isn’t it Ironic?’. It was 2pm, the rain was falling heavily and I was stood on my doorstep, daydreaming about sitting by the fire with beans on toast and a cup of tea. 2 minutes past and I was still rummaging for my keys in my brown suitcase sized bag, praying that they were in the little pocket where I keep my strawberry lip balm. Another minute past, the rain plunged down from the sky and still… no keys. I called my eldest sister in a frantic panic. ‘Locked out the house, no umbrella, raining heavily, shivering! HELP!’ Thankfully, she was only a mile away, having lunch with my other sister in the local pub. ‘Ooooh no, you poor thing’ she replied sympathetically! ‘Come down and I’ll buy you lunch and a hot drink!’ The thought of a warm cosy pub and a hot cup in my hands, instantly warmed me up inside. So, within 10 minutes, I was finally out of the rain, eating cheese & broccoli soup, accompanied by both siblings and a few old 80s songs on the jukebox *sighs*</p> <p>It's a rainy Wednesday afternoon (once again) and surprisingly I'm not at work for 2 days. Normal people would jump for joy at the thought of staying at home, but me... well, I would much rather be outside, armed with my umbrella. I suppose I don't like to waste life and whilst indoors, staring out of the window, I feel like I'm doing just that. My aunt is waiting for results to see if she has cervical cancer. Precancerous cells were found a couple of years ago, but she didn't have regular check-ups after being informed. Most people have that 'Oh, it won't happen to me' attitude. Nobody thinks they will get swine flu, let alone cancer. I couldn't sleep last night, after being told by my mum. Hopefully, everything will be fine. The last person to pass away in my family who I was close to, was my dad 11 years ago. Losing someone else would be heartbreaking. It makes me see the reality of life. Most of the time, I'm in a constant daydream, floating around without a care in the world. But hearing the news has made me stop and really think about life...</p> <p>Anyway, on a more positive note. The autumn/winter collection should be delivered within the next few weeks at work. I get rather excited when the delivery man walks through the door, as it always means boxes full of happiness. The great thing about working in a clothes store? I can always save the best clothes in the back and not have to pay full price, EVER! </p> <p>Hmmm... I love Georgia May Jagger. She rocks.</p> <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3732871" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/871/3732871_e6f4ae6d20_m.bmp" alt=""></a></p> <p>... and I want these shoes.</p> <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/2m6oora/3732882" title="2m6oora"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/882/3732882_5e09ca5baf_m.jpeg" alt="2m6oora"></a></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/07/29/rain-rain-go-away-come-back-another-day-6611306/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>shoes-rain-georgia-may-jaggerhttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/07/29/rain-rain-go-away-come-back-another-day-6611306/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/07/19/payday-public-transport-and-i-m-happy-6550010/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-07-19:/2009/07/19/payday-public-transport-and-i-m-happy-6550010/Sun, 19 Jul 2009 23:31:35 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3653471" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/471/3653471_96ebe9b214_m.jpeg" alt=""></a></p> <p><strong>'The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.'</strong></p> <p>11pm, cup of tea in my hand... (the usual)</p> <p>New York booked. 7th- 18th January. Excited? Extremely...<br> So, with the flights finally sorted, everything feels real. It's fun to talk about going and planning it, but when everything is arranged, it's feels fantastic...</p> <p>So, after 6 weeks of ‘hard work’, I finally got paid. I must say, it was rather exciting to actually see money in my account. I seemed to just stand there staring at the screen for a while, with a smile on my face, before withdrawing 60 pounds (for my sister, as she has been so kind with borrowing me endless ten pound notes) However, after only a week I am almost poor again (smile turns into a frown) On the positive side of things, I’ve paid off my debt to the family (200 pounds) some towards my New York flight (the boyfriend paid for both from his savings account, 100 pounds) a lovely weekend in Cambridge (50 pounds) and I erm… spent a good 150 pounds on myself (it was needed after all of those early morning shifts you see) On the negative side , I got emergency taxed, quite a lot. However, with the money I am owed, I can therefore pay off the rest of my flight and I will then be 100% debt free *sighs* (sips tea)</p> <p>I finished work at 5pm, grabbed a latte from ‘Muffin Break’ (cheaper version of Starbucks, who make the best fudge brownies ever) and headed home in the heavy rain. Being busier makes me appreciate home more. I now look forward to walking through the door, throwing on a pair of cosy pyjamas and sleeping for a couple of hours. Pure pleasure… Hmmm, isn’t it strange how we all ignore one another on public transport? Sometimes I have the urge to start talking about how excited I am that ‘New Moon’ is coming out in November, or perhaps something mind numbing, like the weather or credit crunch. Maybe we should all start communicating a little more? Even at 7:30am, when all you want to do is get back into bed and dream about Edward Cullen. We should make more effort with people; perhaps all join hands and start a love train, love train…</p> <p>Whilst in H&M last week, I found myself actually tidying up the store. There were sale items on the floor, so I picked, folded and put them in their correct place. It’s as if I’m always in work mode. Fuck, I am a robot. Anyway, I left the lovely H&M with a t-shirt dress and a compact bronzer. It felt good to buy, however I didn’t go too mad as I actually walked past the beautiful MAC coats and told myself ‘maybe next month’ Shocking behavior? Indeed… </p> <p>God, I’m so glad that I finally feel ‘happy’. I have for the past 2 months. I wake up with a smile on my face and no longer have the urge to cry. My depression seems to have disappeared, therefore I can finally breath. I don’t feel suffocated inside of myself. I have a life again, which I seemed to lose for a while. ..</p> <p>Thankfully, I discovered it once again. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/07/19/payday-public-transport-and-i-m-happy-6550010/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>paydayhttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/07/19/payday-public-transport-and-i-m-happy-6550010/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/30/hurry-up-pay-day-i-scream-whilst-picking-at-my-6428025/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-06-30:/2009/06/30/hurry-up-pay-day-i-scream-whilst-picking-at-my-6428025/Tue, 30 Jun 2009 22:14:33 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3645374" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/374/3645374_3a46617a17_m.jpeg" alt=""></a></p> <p><em><strong>'Sleep 'til you're hungry, eat 'til you're sleepy. </strong></em></p> <p>'HURRY UP PAY DAY!'I scream, whilst picking at my 1.99 pink candy coloured nail varnish. After almost 6 weeks without any money, I'm beginning to feel on edge. I'm the type of person that has to leave the house with atleast 3 pound (just in case I get a bit hungry and fancy a flapjack from Asda) so I almost had a panic attack when I left work earlier, starving, and with only my bus fare to take me home. I sat there, staring out of the window, hallucinating <strong>krispy kreme doughnuts</strong>, dancing in the rain! (the chocolate ones with the cream inside! Mmmmmm) Anyway, 45 minutes later, I was home sweet home, with a cup of Yorkshire tea, devouring a bowl of cornflakes (I was far too hungry to cook, so literally ate half the box in 2 minutes) After my 'binge', I fell asleep for 3 hours. However, I woke suddenly, checked the time and for some strange reason thought I was running late for work! I jumped out of bed, paced around the room and even started looking for my mango shower gel! Only to realise (after a good 30 seconds) that it was infact 6PM and not 6AM. Oh what a fuckwitt... </p> <p>As for the exciting New York planning. We're definitely going in January as we'll 1) have enough money 2) it's Christmas time and I like that magical feeling (think Home Alone) AND 3) We can get the time off Uni/work, to devour all of that delicious cheesecake. I'm hoping to put away 300 this month, as that will be my flight money sorted. I can use some of my student loan for spending money, but I'm hoping to save as much as possible from my current job. Thankfully the boss has taken a liking to me (maybe it's because I made her a cup of tea when she was ill?) so whatever extra hours that are going, are given to me straight away. Even though at times, I just want to go home and sleep, I sing that song 'New York, New Yooooooooork!' in my head over and over and it gives me the will power to stay and keep going!...</p> <p>I really enjoyed the weekend. Me and the boyfriend celebrated our first anniversary together. It's amazing how quickly this year has passed by! We drove to Warwick, went for a meal with his sister & her husband. Stayed over at theirs and then the following morning we drove down to Bicester Village & then London for a day spent shopping in the sunshine. I must say Bicester was torture for me, as they have the new Vivienne Westwood store. Most items have a 75% discount, which made me want to cry as the only thing I could afford that day was a bottle of water from the petrol station and not the beautiful bag I saw, staring sweetly at me through the window... *sighs*<br> It was lovely to finally have the time to go somewhere together, as working life seems to be taking over most of our time (think New York, New Yoooooooork!) However, we have a weekend in Cambridge soon, so thankfully we have something else to look forward to. Maybe we should hire bicycles and pretend we're super intelligent students?... Indeed</p> <p>Another early morning at work for me tomorrow. However, I find travelling at 7:30am so therapeutic, listening to 'Far Away' by Nickelback on repeat for the entire 40 minute journey (cheesy I know, but I always seem to be in a love mood when the birds are still singing) I should be finished at 2pm, annoyingly I cannot venture to Starbucks and unwind for half an hour after, as I doubt they give out FREE coffee to addicts, without a penny to their name... </p> <p>Hmmm, I could always bring my cool Starbucks cup, my own coffee and just ask them to fill it up with a bit of hot water and milk???? </p> <p>Right I'm falling asleep, so I think it's time to turn off my laptop and dream about The Big Apple. I'm feeling really happy again, maybe it's the sunshine and the fact that I seem to be falling more in love with my boyfriend as time passes by (yes, I'm listening to Nickelback, it turns me into a romantic) </p> <p>Until Next Time.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/30/hurry-up-pay-day-i-scream-whilst-picking-at-my-6428025/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>krispy-kremeshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/30/hurry-up-pay-day-i-scream-whilst-picking-at-my-6428025/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/21/new-york-planning-and-feeling-happy-6353904/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-06-21:/2009/06/21/new-york-planning-and-feeling-happy-6353904/Sun, 21 Jun 2009 10:58:20 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3612853" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/853/3612853_df95840309_m.jpeg" alt=""></a></p> <p>11:30pm, I sit here with an empty cup of coffee, wearing a pair of cosy blue pyjamas and feeling content as I have just spent the last half an hour browsing University things, such as finance, accommodation. Shockingly I haven't googled ELLE or VOGUE or even ROBERT PATTINSON! </p> <p>I finished work at 4pm. It was a rather busy day, so was quite relieved when I realised the time. I literally skipped to the staff room to collect my things. Just as I waved goodbye to a few of the girls, the boyfriend text informing me that he was on his lunch break and wanted to know if we could meet for a coffee (HEAVEN) He kindly bought us a mocha, a chocolate brownie and a blueberry muffin to share (Greedy? Indeed) Surprisingly I have lost weight, even though I seem to be eating the whole of Starbucks *sighs*</p> <p>For the first time in months I'm actually feeling happy with everything. I've always been content with my relationship, but it's so important to be happy with a variety of things in life. Working has given me my independence back and it's helping to occupy my mind, before my studies begin. Feeling down, helpless and utterly depressed scares me. I'm in love with this new feeling of joy. I never want it to go. I look back and want to kick myself for being so pathetic at times. That girl wasn't me at all. I never want to see her again.</p> <p>Remember 'Rocker guy?' (skinny jean wearing boy who dumped me on msn?) Well, he text me the other day, asking if I was ok. I replied, informing him that everything was fine and wished him good luck for his exams. He's now living in London with a few friends and currently in a band, performing gigs in places like Camden. It's amazing how feelings just completely disappear. I feel nothing at all, as if he's just a stranger with a guitar. I never think about him or even realise he ever existed. We learn from everything in life and from that experience, I learnt to go with my instincts. I always kind of knew that he wasn't 'that into me' after I was introduced as 'his friend from home' after being together for 2 months. I should have ran a mile at that point, rather than pretending to myself that everything would work out, only to get hurt in the process. I laugh about it all now...</p> <p>Hopefully I'll save up enough money to fly away to New York in January (with the help of my student loan of course) The great thing is, the boyfriend studied over there for his second year of University, therefore he has a few friends willing to let us stay with them. So, with accommodation sorted, I only need to save up my pennies for flights, food and of course a bit of spending money. Hmmm I can pretend I'm Carrie Bradshaw! </p> <p>Ooooh the highlight of the trip!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/21/new-york-planning-and-feeling-happy-6353904/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>new-york-starbuckshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/21/new-york-planning-and-feeling-happy-6353904/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/14/did-you-know-that-kitkat-means-good-luck-in-japanese-6301350/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-06-14:/2009/06/14/did-you-know-that-kitkat-means-good-luck-in-japanese-6301350/Sun, 14 Jun 2009 16:12:06 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3596190" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/190/3596190_f6a95420a1_m.jpeg" alt=""></a></p> <p>Did you know that 'kitkat' means 'good luck' in Japanese? Hmmm, well I've just devoured a delicious bar of good luck and am now sat here, periodically staring out of the window and appreciating the fact that after 6 days, I have Sunday to relax...</p> <p>As my boyfriend works in the same shopping centre, I met him yesterday afternoon for a quick mocha at Costa Coffee. I remember the time we would spend hours in coffee shops every week. But as we're both busier, we haven't had the time to do it anymore. He also now works on a Sunday, therefore we can't go on our little road trips either *sighs* The good thing is, we have more money and I am no longer stressed, bored and mentally insane as I actually have a life again. The bad thing is the fact that my work shifts change every single week, so we can't really plan anything. Hmmm, I also miss our Starbucks date's...</p> <p>Thankfully we both finished work at 7pm yesterday evening, so we attended his friends BBQ (FREE FOOD!) Even though we were two hours late, there was still quite alot of food left, so we didn't miss out at all. I really enjoyed it, as we all sat in the garden, talking about funny school memories (mainly about the freaky people who more than likely turned out to be murderers) and greedy me must have ate atleast 3 slices of white chocolate cheesecake (I blame the fact that I had only eaten a bowl of porridge at 10:30am) Anyway, after a few people went home, the rest of us sat in the conservatory, drinking pimms and listening to calming music. We finally left at 11:30pm, drove back to my house with Alter Bridge playing (that band always reminds me of falling in love) and basically fell asleep as soon as our heads touched the pillow. Annoyingly the handsome boyfriend had to wake early for work. As I'm a good girlfriend, I made him a cup of coffee (in my Starbucks mug) It must be horrible to work on a Sunday! I always see it as a day of complete rest, but I suppose the more money the merrier at the moment, as we're hoping for a trip to New York. I like the fact that he always kisses me goodbye and says 'I love you'. But hate the fact that he leaves, when all I want to do is curl up with him and spend the day being lazy together...</p> <p>I've realised over the past couple of weeks just how much I love to be around people. For months I spent most of my time being alone and even though I hated it, I felt comfortable. It's as if I forgot how to interact with other people. The first week at work felt slightly strange, as we were all getting to know one other and for the first time in ages, I had to talk about myself and what I like, love, hate etc. I received a lovely compliment off one of the girls. She got asked by my manager who she liked the most. She told her that she liked me, because I had such a lovely, bubbly personality and really enjoys working with me alot. Being told that you're down to earth, kind hearted and a joy to be around means more than being called 'pretty'. Looks fade, but your soul never loses it's colour...</p> <p>Right, time for another cup of coffee and perhaps an hour spent organizing my life...</p> <p>Indeed. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/14/did-you-know-that-kitkat-means-good-luck-in-japanese-6301350/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>kitkathttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/14/did-you-know-that-kitkat-means-good-luck-in-japanese-6301350/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/12/10-30pm-i-sit-here-wearing-bridget-jones-style-red-6292183/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-06-12:/2009/06/12/10-30pm-i-sit-here-wearing-bridget-jones-style-red-6292183/Fri, 12 Jun 2009 22:28:27 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3591151" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/151/3591151_5488850c38_m.jpeg" alt=""></a></p> <p>10:30pm, I sit here wearing Bridget Jones style red frumpy pyjamas, munching on my fourth slice of honey on toast, browsing <a href="http://www.nymag.com">www.nymag.com</a> (the fashion section of course) whilst periodically trying to spray deodorant on an annoying moth, that keeps landing on my cool (freshly washed) guns n roses t-shirt *sighs*...</p> <p>Hmmm, I've actually enjoyed work this week (even though my feet are fucked) as I've been working a few extra shifts and getting to know the people a little better. However, I don't get paid till July 10th, meaning I have another 3 weeks of being completely poor (I cringe at the thought of asking my 'mommy' for bus fare!) Urgh! Thankfully, the majority of our customer's are really friendly. Apart from two bimbo's earlier, who demanded I fetch them a size 8 pink corset dress (tacky, cheap and vulgar in my opinion) but when I returned without it, as they had all sold out (shockingly) she had the nerve to 'TUT' at me and then 'SHUUUU' me away. It was quite obvious she was a spoilt brat, as the credit card she used to pay for her VILE purchases had MR on it. It was either her daddy's or the he/she had stuffed his/her bra extremely well!..</p> <p>I think I've devoured far too much toast (I say whilst covered in crumbs) You see, I always get hungry at 10pm and end up opening the fridge, praying to God that a chocolate cake would magically appear before my very eyes (unfortunately this never happens) so I skip off to bed, armed with a plate full of delicious, hot, honey covered toast and let out a little sigh of pleasure. Ooooh, keeping on the subject of pleasure, I purchased a beautiful purple dress from work yesterday evening. With my discount, it only cost me 11 (my money sign has broken on my laptop) pounds! Which of course is a complete bargain, as I fell in love with it and most things I'm besotted with are in ELLE and would realistically take me 7 months to save up my pennies to buy! That is also the reason why I want to work for a fashion magazine, as I would go home with loads of FREE dresses, shoes, bags, MAC cosmetics! *faints*</p> <p>I'm feeling a little bit tired, but I want to stay awake and perhaps enjoy a few more episodes of sex & the city. Thankfully I'm not in work till 3pm, therefore do not have to set my alarm! Yeeeessss! I do however like to get to work atleast 30 minutes before my shift, as I sit in the staff room with a cup of coffee and have a bit of a chat with whoever is sorting out all of the stock. The staff room is very small, with one blue chair that wobbles from side to side and a long mirror on the wall that must make you look half a stone lighter. The walls are covered with little bits of paper with telephone numbers written down, health & safety certificates, staff rota's etc. Even though the room is a shoe box, I like sitting in there, as it always feels so calm...</p> <p>Ooooh the moth has finally gone! Thank you SURE deodorant!</p> <p>Right, I'm falling asleep so shall end this blog with a <em>goodnight!</em> and oh shit... I need to brush my teeth and find this the biggest chore of all before bedtime! I'll more than likely wake at 9am, in a big panic, thinking I have work in the morning, only to rush into the bathroom and bash my toe in the process and then realise 2 minutes later that I'm not in till the afternoon, and can get back into my lovely, cosy bed and sleep till miday.... </p> <p>Such a strange girl.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/12/10-30pm-i-sit-here-wearing-bridget-jones-style-red-6292183/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>bridget-jones-honey-mothshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/12/10-30pm-i-sit-here-wearing-bridget-jones-style-red-6292183/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/07/oh-sunday-sunday-sunday-the-day-of-complete-and-utter-6256383/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-06-07:/2009/06/07/oh-sunday-sunday-sunday-the-day-of-complete-and-utter-6256383/Sun, 07 Jun 2009 15:21:58 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3575022" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/022/3575022_0e0f28ef14_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p><strong>'Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.' -Confucius</strong></p> <p>Oh Sunday Sunday Sunday, the day of complete and utter rest. However, it feels quite strange to not have anything to do today (I say whilst sitting in bed at 3pm) I had the chance to work today, but I opted out of course as I promised myself a date with Carrie Bradshaw, the kettle and the bed. I finished work at 7pm last night, armed with another top I purchased from the store (20% discount) and rather sore feet as I decided to wear those damn gladiator sandals again. The handsome boyfriend also finished at the same time, so I found him patiently waiting for me outside of NEXT, smiling and looking adorable as usual. We drove back to his place in the rain, whilst ranting on about our retail jobs and looking forward to devouring a Dominio's pizza (that his parents had kindly purchased) I feel like a different person at his house over the past couple of weeks, more like myself infact. Unemployment turned me into a mouse. I felt as if I didn't have anything to talk about, so I would simply sit in the corner quietly and occasionally nod along. It just feels nice to have something to share, even if it is about how many hours I'll be working this week...</p> <p>A contestant from 'Deal or no deal' came into the store yesterday afternoon. I found this information out as she wouldn't stop talking about how she won 17 thoooooouuuuusand pounds on the show in December 2008. She was a lovely woman, but my gosh she was a chatterbox and began informing us all that she was off on her third holiday of the year *sighs*. I might actually apply to appear on the show, as imagine if I actually won 250 THOUSAND?? Of course there is a chance I would go home with just a penny, but it's all about luck I suppose! I began thinking about money just after she left the store. Hmmm, to a certain extent it does bring you happiness. Especially if the money is given to you, and with it you fly off to Australia for 2 weeks without a care in the world. However, too much of something is bad for you. Imagine being a millionaire, knowing you could have anything you wanted. What would happen to your aspirations? Most people work hard to travel the world, to afford to live in a beautiful home etc. As much as I would love to have money, I think too much would become rather boring, as the excitement would disappear. I love the feeling of walking into a shop and buying a new outfit for 50 pound with my wages. I like daydreaming about certain things, knowing that I'll have to wait a week to purchase that beautiful dress in the window of Topshop! Hmmm it makes me appreciate those little things in life alot more...</p> <p>I'm glad that I don't spend my time pottering around the house, feeling sorry for myself anymore. I completely wasted 6 months of my life being depressed. However, I learnt quite a few things about myself. I'm the kind of person who has to be busy. I have to keep my mind occupied 24/7, to avoid insanity. I keep my feelings inside far too much, when really I should have the courage to speak out a little more. This is a reason why I get frustrated with myself, because there are so many things I want to say, but always keep quiet. I like to have control, but I've realised that in a relationship it has to be equal. I dislike silence, as is makes me feel on edge. I like routine, as not having one makes me feel incapable. And last of all, I don't like being alone...</p> <p>I'm actually looking forward to working over the next 6 days. I like falling asleep, knowing I have to wake up in the morning to be somewhere. I like to feel as if I'm doing something with my life, rather than sitting in the corner, watching it pass me by...</p> <p>Oh life... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/07/oh-sunday-sunday-sunday-the-day-of-complete-and-utter-6256383/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/07/oh-sunday-sunday-sunday-the-day-of-complete-and-utter-6256383/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/03/title-6232951/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-06-03:/2009/06/03/title-6232951/Wed, 03 Jun 2009 23:26:35 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3563970" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/970/3563970_4ba83aa839_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p><strong>'Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.' - Confucius</strong></p> <p>I finished work at 4pm, with my feet throbbing with pain. It's my fault of course for wearing heels for my 4 hour shift. I've tried flat shoes on a few occasions, but I feel as though I'm plodding along like a penguin. Hmmm, if only I could wear slippers....</p> <p>I must say I'm really looking forward to Sunday, as I finally get a day off. I've worked almost 50 hours this week, but the money will be a great help. Even though I'm exhausted, I've enjoyed working my bottom off. After almost 6 months of doing pretty much nothing, I now understand the meaning of 'work' and appreciate coming home to a nice cup of tea...</p> <p>I'm currently in bed, nibbling on a few squares of dairy milk and sipping chamomile tea. I'm in at 3pm-7pm tomorrow, so thankfully I get a nice lie-in, followed by breakfast in bed (made by myself of course) It's going to be a busy Saturday afternoon tomorrow. I'll have to mentally prepare myself for the chaos. I spend most of my time picking up shoes after people. I'm sure they see me arranging everything neatly and then purposely decide to wind me up, by leaving them in a messy pile on the floor (fuckers) At times I get the urge to throw a pair of 5 inch platforms at their head. Hmmm, I could blame it on turrets...</p> <p>I never did get any till training, which resulted in me charging a lady 21p for a dress instead of 21 pound on her visa card! (it was 9:15am, I hadn't intoxicated myself with coffee and the card machine was complicated) I only realised this an hour later when my manager came over, checking the receipts and giving me that 'what the fuck have you done!' look. Thankfully she did see the funny side of it. But instead of helping me, she walked off and left me alone with a shop full of people. Typical...Anyway, enough of my retail rant, as apart from a few annoying little things, I do enjoy my job (when people put the shoes back of course)</p> <p>I'm falling asleep. I don't actually need the relaxing chamomile anymore, as I'm naturally tired again! I even had a lavender scented bath, so I'm sure in the next 5 minutes I will more than likely be unconscious. Right, maybe I should drift off into dream world with Jack Johnson singing on my Ipod? Hmmmm beautiful...</p> <p>Goodnight x</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/03/title-6232951/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>work-workhttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/03/title-6232951/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/01/my-21st-the-new-job-and-i-need-sleep-6215082/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-06-01:/2009/06/01/my-21st-the-new-job-and-i-need-sleep-6215082/Mon, 01 Jun 2009 17:54:59 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3547066" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/066/3547066_ce85c5c643_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p><strong>'I'm not asleep... but that doesn't mean I'm awake'</strong></p> <p>'Can you put my wallet in the car drawer' the boyfriend casually asked, as he eagerly passed it to me with one of those cute grins on his face. 'Of course' I replied, completely oblivious to the actual reason why he wanted me to open up the drawer in the first place. However, once opened, he looked on curiously. His eyes glued to the drawer, eagerly waiting for me to find my 'surprise'. I wasn't expecting anything remotely exciting, other than a few tapes, a bic pen and a packet of half eaten polo's. But I must say, a complete surprise it was, as right before my eyes were.... Nickelback gig tickets (placed right at the back, next to a tape of The Carpenters greatest hits) You see, a couple of months ago I was informed that the tickets had sold out, so I accepted the fact that I wouldn't be able to see them perform, the day before my 21st birthday. But of course, the handsome man made sure that he would put a smile on my face that sunny afternoon, and he sure did...</p> <p>The gig itself was amazing! It felt so great to get the chance to hear Chad Kroeger sing 'How you remind me', 'Photograph' and 'Far Away' live. They are such a talented band and I lost myself in the music, as I watched on completely mesmerized. Of course this was only one of my many beautiful birthday presents, I say as I sit here sipping coffee out of my new Starbucks mug, whilst typing away on my new laptop. I also received a cool fashion book, necklace, digital camera, brown gladiator sandals, pretty dress (cleavage galore) Guns n Roses rock t-shirt, a cute Abercrombie hoody (as I kept stealing my boyfriend's!) and was treated to a delicious sushi meal, followed by a road trip to York (which changed to Leeds due to the rain!) It was nice to get the chance to spend a little more time with one another. However, I always end up missing him more...</p> <p>Waking up at 6am felt rather strange on Thursday morning, as for the first time in 6 whole months, I needed to get out of bed for something other than porridge and an episode of America's Next Top Model. I had to... wait for it....leave my warm cosy bed for <strong>WORK</strong>! You see I always set my alarm 15 minutes before I need to wake up, as I actually enjoy pressing the snooze button! It feels as if I'm having a lie-in, even though in actual fact I'm not. Trick of the mind of course... Anyway, the boyfriend stayed over, so he kindly drove me to my destination. I felt extremely nervous, therefore I felt myself being a slight bitch in the car, as I tried to control my 'panic attack'. I felt terrible, as he was trying to make me feel positive and I sat there, picking my nail varnish and telling him that I wanted to commit suicide. I applied more mascara, whilst he got some more petrol (I sat there inhaling of course) but then started a relaxing breathing exercise, that I once heard on a Paul Mckenna CD. After all, we are in control of ourselves and I knew my over emotional outbursts were just making my nerves feel even worse. Thankfully when I arrived, I had pulled myself together (ish) and once out of the car, I began walking towards the store in my clicking heels, hoping that I had simply worried over nothing (which is just what I had done. Typical)</p> <p>The clothes store wasn't due to open till Saturday morning, but they needed a few people to help out. I didn't realise it would be so much hard work! I stayed for over 10 hours and when I informed my boss at 7:15pm that I needed to leave, she gave me a look as if to say 'No, keep unpacking those shoes!!' but I headed home anyway, as my bus is every hour after 6pm and I didn't want to be waiting around like a marshmallow. The following day, one of the manager's asked us why we left so early and went on to give us a speech about commitment. It went a little like this...</p> <p><em>'I was here till 10:30pm last night, helping out and wanting to make this store a success! Whilst a few of you left early, leaving us with all of the work. I have a daughter and a life you know!!' </em></p> <p>I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or hit her on the head with my evian bottle. I was slaving away for 10 fucking hours and then had to get two buses home. She spent most of the day, talking on her mobile, telling people what to do, eating biscuits and shopping at Primark! (two days in a row, she came in with bags full of clothes, informing us all she had a lovely afternoon spending her money on pretty dresses) and could then drive home at whatever time she felt. She was obviously only pissed off, as when the slaves went home, she had to actually do some form of work...</p> <p>I left work at 7pm on Saturday evening with a few new clothes to wear for uniform (40% staff discount) and was greeted once again by the handsome man (who made me a bowl of crunchy cereal and made sure I put my feet up with a cup of tea too. Bless) It felt lovely to feel exhausted. I haven't tired myself out in months, therefore I used all of my energy on over-thinking. However, the only thing I can think about right now is SLEEP! I'm only working for 3 months over the summer, so hopefully time will pass by really quickly. I worked 9am- 1pm today, however I was left to fend for myself in a busy clothes store (without any training) whilst the manager's sat in the back, scoffing their fat arses with Maryland cookies. I found this extremely rude, as I kept making mistakes on the till and all they could do was laugh at me. Of course without training, I am unable to do my job properly! I felt quite angry, as I stood there listening to 'Just dance' by Lady GaGa for the 100th time (we only have 1 CD you see, so my whole morning felt like ground hog day) I had a queue of people waiting to go into the changing rooms, another few waiting to be served and other people tapping me on the shoulder, asking me to fetch bags, shoes, skirts and all sorts. Thank fuck I am now home, curled up in my warm hoody and intoxicating myself with caffiene! Any longer and I think I might have killed myself with a coat hanger and a leopard print belt...</p> <p>Hmmm a lavender scented bath, followed by an early night with Sex & the city? </p> <p>Indeed.... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/01/my-21st-the-new-job-and-i-need-sleep-6215082/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>i-need-sleep-21sthttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/06/01/my-21st-the-new-job-and-i-need-sleep-6215082/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/23/the-sunshine-and-the-marks-spencer-s-frisby-6165504/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-05-23:/2009/05/23/the-sunshine-and-the-marks-spencer-s-frisby-6165504/Sat, 23 May 2009 23:19:09 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3528301" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/301/3528301_3b694f7f26_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p><strong>The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread -Mother Teresa</strong></p> <p>I was greeted by the beautiful sunshine this morning, beaming through my window. I was determined not to waste the day indoors again; therefore I put on some red lipstick and walked into town. I spent an hour or so browsing and surprisingly I found a pair of brown gladiator sandals for only 6 pound!! (which of course I happily purchased) Just as I was about to walk back home, I bumped into my Grandparents. You see, ever since my father passed away they haven't really been around much. It's as if they couldn't cope with his death, so closed off from the whole family. I always feel quite awkward around them, it's as if I never know what to talk about, so I just give them both a hug and try and make it quick. It's quite heartbreaking to be honest, as I have so many beautiful memories of them. However, they pushed us away and even after 10 years they still continue to do so...</p> <p>Anyway, when I returned home I spent the rest of the afternoon in the garden with Grazia magazine and green tea. We decided to have a BBQ a few hours later, so whilst the food cooked (smelling amazing!) we sat around and chatted for a while, just as the sun was setting. It was lovely to spend time with the family (without the rows and uni stress)</p> <p>The boss called, informing me that I start work on Saturday. However, she wanted me to go into the store on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday to help out with stock. As it's my 21st birthday on Wednesday (hmmm cake!) the boyfriend has various surprises lined up. Therefore, I had to tell her that I couldn't help out on Tuesday or Wednesday! I felt rather silly, as I was telling my new boss that I couldn't even make it on the first day! Hmmm, I doubt anyone would want to spend their birthday picking up boxes of course...</p> <p>It’s my last week of unemployment. Thank fuck. I only have to work for 3 months, as university begins and I get to spend the next 3 years of my life being a lazy student (armed with a laptop and a can of Heinz beans) Maybe I should get a job in a coffee shop too? As all of those late night studying sessions will require a lot of caffeine! Of course the staff discount will help too, as I'll more than likely be poor, after spending my loan on dresses and shoes from asos.com (tut tut)...</p> <p>Keeping on the subject of asos.com, I ordered a beautiful blue dress (that I shall be wearing for my birthday meal) however, I purchased a size 10 (as usually their dresses are really tiny and I always feel rather fat, after squeezing my arse into a size 8) Anyway, it's far too big and I have completely forgotten that over the past 9 months, I have lost half a stone, therefore I am in fact an asos size 8. Rather than sending it back (as I honestly cannot be bothered to fold, pack and post) I have decided to do it the 1950s housewife way and sew the damn thing...</p> <p>As it was the 125th birthday of Marks & Spencer's, I was informed that many items would be 1p! (Bargain!) So, I enthusiastically skipped into the city on Wednesday morning, with my sister and of course the 4'9, 67 year old bargain hunter Grandmother called Winifred (the Grandparent that didn't ignore us for 10 years of course!) So, we arrived at 9am and waited in the extremely long queue for what seemed like forever! Unsurprisingly, the Grandmother had a pocket full of mints! So as we stood there sucking on humbugs in the morning sunshine, we realised that a photographer was standing in front of the crowds, taking pictures. I didn't know whether to smile or hide! However, I wasn't too keen on the idea of being known as the local M&S eager bargain beaver! When we finally entered the shop (50 minutes later) we were sadly informed that the only items left were either a packet of sweets, a frisby or a beach ball!!??? (I must say I felt extremely disappointed) We were able to pick 5 items each, so of course I opted for the 'food glorious food' but as I realised I must have looked extremely greedy, I politely asked for a frisby too...</p> <p>After almost a year of being with my boyfriend, I am still so completely in love. I remember when I realised I had fallen in love, it was around September 2008 and he was sat there in his grey cosy trousers, sipping peppermint tea out of his huge starbucks mug and singing along to Jack Johnson. I was so besotted and realised that I loved everything about him. His smile, his laugh, his big blue eyes, his pouty lips, the way he sang and got the lyrics wrong, his smell, his voice, his beautiful mind and even the way he held his spoon (he wraps his whole hand around it! If a bear ate porridge, then I'm sure it would eat it that way!) We had quite a hard time during the winter, but I suppose it made me realise just how much I care for him. We both were in the wrong at one point, but with our trust issues in the past, our own insecurities got in the way and caused a lot of stress on the relationship. Thankfully, we got through it even stronger than ever and now continue to be extremely happy with one another. I didn't think it was possible to feel this way about somebody, but I'm just going to embrace it all, as life is far too short to hide away your feelings. Love is so important and at times we need to take risks and allow our hearts to fly away and find it... </p> <p>Hopefully the sunshine shall return tomorrow, as I think a Sunday picnic with the boyfriend will be perfect. Hmmm right, time to apply a chocolate facemask and perhaps stare at Angelina Jolie pictures... </p> <p>Goodnight x</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/23/the-sunshine-and-the-marks-spencer-s-frisby-6165504/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>frisbyhttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/23/the-sunshine-and-the-marks-spencer-s-frisby-6165504/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/19/cocktails-glee-club-and-kate-lawler-6142943/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-05-19:/2009/05/19/cocktails-glee-club-and-kate-lawler-6142943/Tue, 19 May 2009 18:29:49 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3518727" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/727/3518727_94531fffc1_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p><strong>I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part. - Shirley MacLaine</strong></p> <p>A whole jug of cocktail and two glasses of rose later, I found myself enthusiastically dancing with the girls (You know the usual swaying, wiggling, pointing, shaking and pouting??) in a very crowded Lloyds Bar on Saturday night. Even though the club was packed, it was better than sitting in an old man's pub, talking about babies (which had been the main topic of conversation an hour previous) as much as I think children are cute, I don't want to commit myself to motherhood right now. I want to be able to travel, achieve personal goals and feel free. A couple of the girls still live at home, have a child and complain about feeling slightly lonely at times. Maybe they should have 1) Used a condom 2) Not rejected their friends and 3) Realised that the men they were with, were complete and utter fuckwitts. I know life will never be perfect, but I would rather bring my children into a happy world with two parents, a pretty house, two posh cars and an adorably chubby chocolate Labrador puppy...</p> <p>I'm such a home girl at heart. Even when I was out celebrating my friends 23rd birthday with a cocktail in my hand, I was wishing I was at home with a cup of tea, curled up in my quilt, watching sex & the city. Rather than dancing for hours in Lloyds Bar, getting wine all over my dress whilst periodically wiping the sweat from my upper lip. Hmmm, does this make me a hermit? wanting to hibernate at home, rather than socializing with the world whilst singing along to 'Mysterious Girl?' in a crowded club at 1am?</p> <p>On Sunday night the boyfriend and I went for a meal at 'Around the world in 80 dishes' (food glorious food) followed by The Glee club to watch Ben's Brother perform. I must say I was very impressed. I loved the feel of their music and the lead singer was very talented. I love the Glee Club, it's small, intimate and I always leave with a smile on my face. Unfortunately they only serve cold drinks, so if you're the type of person who gets a bit nippy, I advise you to take a blanket, as hot chocolate is not on the menu. Damn...</p> <p>I shockingly spotted a celebrity in Starbucks.. well, a big brother winner. Anyway, the boyfriend quietly informed me that Kate Lawler was sat on the next table with two other guys. I think it's funny how you just HAVE to stare, but I didn't want to look as though I was one of those over-enthusiastic big brother worshipers, so instead I sat the other way and pretended as if I hadn't noticed! I contemplated asking for an autograph, armed with a Starbucks napkin, but on second thoughts, it was best to let her enjoy her coffee in peace. Hmmm, I sadly updated my facebook status, informing the world who I had seen. Unsurprisingly nobody commented, as they probably didn't have a clue who she was (after the 15 minutes of fame) Oh well, I'm secretly happy as I thought she was pretty cool back in 2002...</p> <p>I'm looking forward to starting work. However, I am still waiting for a letter to confirm the days/hours! As you all know, I hate waiting around for answers. I'm very impatient. Hopefully I won't start work on my 21st birthday, as I was hoping for breakfast in bed and a day spent with the handsome man. As it's a new store opening, all of the staff will be new, so I won't feel as nervous and bonding with people will be easier. I'm just happy that I won't be spending most of my time moping around in the house, talking to the dog and obsessively checking facebook. I suppose I'm at that point where I'm desperate to just get on with life. I'm exhausted with worrying and over thinking, so being employed is going to pretty much save me (sounds very dramatic) but days spent indoors is not good for the mind, body and soul...</p> <p>Right, an hour spent working out, followed by a three hour lavender scented bubble bath? </p> <p>Indeed.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/19/cocktails-glee-club-and-kate-lawler-6142943/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lavender-scented-bubble-bathhttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/19/cocktails-glee-club-and-kate-lawler-6142943/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/13/the-zoo-the-insanity-and-the-job-6110895/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-05-13:/2009/05/13/the-zoo-the-insanity-and-the-job-6110895/Wed, 13 May 2009 21:15:36 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3500752" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/752/3500752_5c0298765c_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p><strong>'It's such a pleasure to write down splendid words - almost as though one were inventing them.' - Rupert Hart-Davis</strong></p> <p>On Sunday afternoon I found myself at Twycross zoo, completely fascinated with a gorilla. The gorilla sat there, using a stick to tickle his nose whilst playfully rolling around on the grass. I wanted to join him. He seemed so happy, playing in the sunshine without a care in the world...</p> <p>After my over dramatic couple of days, I was glad to wake up on Sunday morning feeling rather calm. I spent the day with my sister and a friend, went to the zoo armed with a picnic and took loads of lovely pictures (for facebook of course) The boyfriend came round at 6pm, informing everyone of the terrible football result (Arsenal lost once again) You see, I was never into football before, but I have found myself becoming more and more interested. Anyway, to put a smile on Matt's face after the bad news, I handed him a letter that I had wrote for him (expressing my thoughts about why I have been such a moody fuckwit) I enjoy writing letters, they are much more personal than an email. I know he appreciated the fact that I did that. I'm also happy I wrote down all of those things I find hard to put into words face to face...</p> <p>Tuesday consisted of the usual vogue.com obsession (fashion blog reading and admiring the beautiful people with legs up to here *raises arm to shoulders*) and wishing that one day I could work for a magazine and strut into the office wearing my Manolo Blahniks *sighs* I felt myself fluttering around again, periodically staring at the clock, checking my mobile phone and feeling on edge. I hate waiting for phone calls, especially the job ones. The day seemed to pass by extremely slowly, so to pass the time I relaxed in a bubble bath for 2 hours whilst listening to UB40 songs on my Ipod...</p> <p>Red, red wiiiiinnnnneeeeeee, goes to my heeeeeeaaaaaaadddd...</p> <p>As it has been exactly a week since my interview, I decided it was wise to wake at 9am, just incase the manager called informing me of the good or bad news. My house was freezing, so I curled up next to the fire, armed with coffee, the chubby dog and an old episode of America's Next Top Model. Job thinking/searching has seriously sent me into the land of insanity. Of course having spare time to do as I please can actually be fantastic, but I'm a girl who loves to be busy and being home alone can actually be rather depressing. I spent the rest of the afternoon reading ELLE and cleaning underneath my bed (shockingly it had been 3 months since the last time, so I wasn't surprised to be greeted by a handful of dust!) Thankfully at 5:30pm, my mobile started ringing (strange french ring tone that I can't seem to delete) I enthusiastically grabbed my phone, praying that it wasn't my mum calling, to ask if we needed any milk! Thankfully it was a number I didn't recognize, so after doing the usual cough to clear the throat, answer after 3 rings to not appear desperate, I awaited the news...</p> <p>5 minutes later, I ended the call with a smile. Turns out that I actually got the job! Unfortunately I would have preferred a few more hours, but the simple fact is I am actually employed after months of desperation, depression, tears and tantrums! As it's a new fashion store, it won't be opening till the end of May, but I suppose it gives me the opportunity to purchase a few new clothes and prepare myself for a couple of early mornings. I'm feeling happy and relieved right now. Happy, because I will now be richer, meaning more road trips and the opportunity to save up to go to New York with the handsome man. Relieved, because I will no longer need to browse monster.com, crying at the screen because I cannot find anything worth applying for...</p> <p>The advice I can give to all of those people who are unemployed is to never give up and always have faith in yourself. I was unemployed for almost 6 months and even though at times I lost confidence and my mind became intoxicated with negative thoughts, I never stopped believing in myself. It's important to always believe in yourself, even if you do not get the job that you were hoping for, there will always be something else out there that is meant for you. So smile as life will always work out in the end...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/13/the-zoo-the-insanity-and-the-job-6110895/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>zoo-insanity-jobhttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/13/the-zoo-the-insanity-and-the-job-6110895/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/09/over-thinking-gemini-fuckwitt-6088539/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-05-09:/2009/05/09/over-thinking-gemini-fuckwitt-6088539/Sat, 09 May 2009 21:22:04 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3490880" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/880/3490880_5af9b1194f_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p><strong>'Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.'</p> <p></strong><br> I finally fell asleep at 4am. I felt restless and kept browsing vogue.com to keep my mind occupied, as all I could think about was how harsh I had been to the boyfriend (damn pathetic insecure mind) I sent him a text, apologizing for my horrible words and how having so much spare time has turned me into an over thinking freak. Not having routine in life can send anybody insane. I miss waking up at 7am, I miss structure, I miss feeling tired and most of all I miss myself. I'm usually the girl who smiles 24/7 and flutters around the world with a positive attitude. I've somehow turned into a strange, moody, needy, borderline depressive fuckwitt who spends far too much time indoors (quite like a hermit) Unemployment has intoxicated my life in every possible way. I'm just praying to God (why do people who aren't even religious pray to God in time of need? hmmm it puzzles me) anyway...I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that I get a callback in the next couple of days, informing me that I have a job. If not, I think I might do a Kurt Cobain...</p> <p>I woke up quite early this morning to the sound of a man shouting 'ANY OLD IRON???' I peered out of my window to find a white rusty van, full of old junk and an old bald fat man enthusiastically gathering the pile of crap onto the back of his pride & joy (how very Steptoe & Son?) Urgh. I made myself a cup of coffee and checked my phone. No new messages (very disappointing as I was hoping the boyfriend had replied) the thing with us women, we expect men to text back all of the time. He was busy with his friends; therefore it's pretty selfish of me to want him to reply to my 7 page long text message about my PMT, whilst he plays Fifa on the PS3. He did text at lunchtime, informing me that if I wanted, I could spend the afternoon with him and his friend from London, who was visiting for the weekend. So, at 2pm he picked me up and we spent a few hours in the city. As his friend's father is a millionaire and I'm well... pretty much poor at the moment, it was quite awkward to do my usual 'if only I were rich' speech, when passing designer clothes in Selfridges. He's a lovely down to earth guy and really easy to get on with, but he must have thought 'Blimey, she lives in a shoebox!' when the boyfriend dropped me home. Hmmm, my whole house is probably the same size as his garage *sighs*...</p> <p>I'm so in love with life and not being able to live it is rather frustrating. Living is all about exploring the world, traveling to new places, learning, gaining inspiration whilst holding hands with the one you love and skipping around in the sunshine. Without money, I can't even afford the petrol money to run away and explore the unknown. I don't want my life to consist of an empty cup of herbal tea and 200 blogs, informing the world what I want to do. I want to do them and put my plans into action, take photographs and make beautiful memories...</p> <p>I'm a typical Gemini. My mind constantly needs stimulation. When I haven't got that, I seem to over analyze my life and relationship (the reason for our pointless rows) Even though we have spent the afternoon together, I still feel slightly upset for hurting his feelings. When I try and protect my feelings, I either joke or say something hurtful. For e.g.. I was sad when the week came to an end and I knew I was going to miss him. So instead of telling him this, instead I said 'You know what, I cannot wait to go home'. If he said this to me, I would have felt so devastated!! Memories from my past always haunt me. I remember the time I spent the weekend in London with the 'actor'. I was sat on his bed, flicking through the newspaper, whilst he went to make us some breakfast. A few moments later, he returned and said 'actually, can you go home later, I have a few important things to do?' (Even though my train tickets were already booked and I was due to leave 2 days later) That guy walked all over me, so it's as if I now protect my feelings just incase someone hurts me again. I need to realise that Matt is actually a good guy and they do exist. Not all men are heartbreakers and will quite happily fuck you over. You live you learn, but are sadly left with the memories that can intoxicate your mind for years after. I'm so loyal as a person and know deep in my heart that I would never cheat on my boyfriend or do anything to ruin this relationship. Therefore, I think I worry because I want to know whether he feels the same (which I know he does) but it's as if I need reassurance that he'll hold my hand for years and years... </p> <p>Right, a strong coffee and perhaps a relaxing bubble bath with the new copy of Glamour magazine?? Indeed.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/09/over-thinking-gemini-fuckwitt-6088539/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>overthinking-fuckwitthttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/09/over-thinking-gemini-fuckwitt-6088539/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/09/save-me-from-myself-6084265/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-05-08:/2009/05/09/save-me-from-myself-6084265/Sat, 09 May 2009 00:48:55 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3488507" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/507/3488507_34f2be564d_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p><strong><br> As none can see the wind but in its effects on the trees, neither can we see the emotions but in their effects on the face and body.<br> - Nathaniel LeTonnerre</strong></p> <p>After almost a week spent with the boyfriend, I am in my own bed all alone and it feels quite strange. I think I have serious emotional problems at times. It's as if I have to pull myself away from love, petrified that something will eventually go wrong, so I emotionally block out my feelings. I don't understand why I do this. I think it's a little bit of jealousy, perhaps insecurity and an ongoing fear of all the happiness I feel inside being taken away from me, leaving me with just my tears. I felt as if I was being cold with Matt this afternoon, during a road trip to Manchester. I have had such a great week, being able to spend quality time together and I was there sitting in the car earlier, more or less ignoring him because of the bad thoughts in my head. Why the fuck was I trying to ruin such a lovely week? I haven't a clue. I'm so deeply in love and at times it scares me. I'm being so pathetic, because I know in my heart that he is a good person and our relationship is beautiful. It's just certain things from my past intoxicate my thoughts and I end up in a bit of a panic...</p> <p>Shockingly, I've been in bed since 9:30pm. After my long relaxing bubble bath and a little cry, I put on a pair of warm pyjamas, closed my eyes and listened to my Ipod, untill I fell asleep. I woke up an hour later, craving jam on toast, so armed with a plate and also a cup of tea, I got back into bed. Maybe PMT has turned me into an emotional wreck? </p> <p>I'll end this blog with 'Save me from myself' by Christina Aguilera.<br> The words say it all...<br> <em><br> It's not so easy loving me<br> It gets so complicated<br> All the things you gotta be<br> Everything's changing<br> But you're the truth<br> I'm amazed by all your patience<br> Everything I put you through</p> <p>when I'm about to fall<br> Somehow you're always waiting with<br> Your open arms to catch me<br> You're gonna save me from myself<br> From myself, yes<br> You're gonna save me from myself</p> <p>My love is tainted by your touch<br> Well some guys have shown me aces<br> But you've got that royal flush<br> I know it's crazy everyday<br> Well tomorrow may be shaky<br> But you never turn away</p> <p>Don't ask me why I'm crying<br> 'Cause when I start to crumble<br> You know how to keep me smiling<br> You always save me from myself<br> From myself, myself<br> You're gonna save me from myself</p> <p>I know it's hard, it's hard<br> But you've broken all my walls<br> You've been my strength, so strong<br> And don't ask me why I love you</p> <p>It's obvious your tenderness<br> Is what I need to make me<br> A better woman to myself<br> To myself, myself<br> You're gonna save me from myself</em></p> <p>I can't sleep. I feel like going for a midnight walk... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/09/save-me-from-myself-6084265/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>emotionshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/09/save-me-from-myself-6084265/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/07/the-interview-and-kidnapped-by-the-boyfriend-6074562/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-05-07:/2009/05/07/the-interview-and-kidnapped-by-the-boyfriend-6074562/Thu, 07 May 2009 11:07:48 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3483187" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/187/3483187_3b33834e8c_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p>Whilst the boyfriend enthusiastically plays baseball, I'm sitting here browsing Elle.com with chocolate brownie crumbs all over his Binghamton University hoody (which I have adopted this week to keep me warm, as the central heating is on a timer and turns off at 11pm) *shivers*</p> <p>On Sunday afternoon, armed with my (rather large) suitcase, the handsome man picked me up and kidnapped me, for a week of fun filled activity, whilst his parents are enjoying the sunshine in Crete. Even though we still have a couple of days to relax, eat cake and watch dvds in bed till 3am. So far, it's been really lovely to spend some quality time together and to finally be home alone. Hmmm we did make an amazing oreo cheesecake. However, the last slice was thrown away a few hours ago (as I refused to consume another 1000 calories) *sighs*. The boyfriend still has work, therefore at 6am he has to wake up, but never forgets to kiss me goodbye before he leaves (thankfully) So, with a warm cosy bed to myself I curl up in a ball and sleep for a couple more hours, whilst dreaming about pirates, cupcakes and erm... job interviews.</p> <p>Keeping on the subject of job interviews. I had one today at 1pm. Well, I was actually informed it was an open day but when I arrived, I realised it was in fact a formal interview. As I headed towards the reception area, sat next to the desk were two other girls dressed rather smart in black trouser suits. Hmmm 'shit' I thought, as I wore a (sophisicated) high waisted grey skirt, black tight fitted top with a black cardigan, gladiator sandals (yes, the ones that torture my feet) and a long dangly necklace thing with a pretty butterfly on it. I felt slightly too casual, as everyone else seemed to turn up for The Apprentice. Anyway, the 'open day' was for a new fashion store, therefore I thought instead of going for the 'I want an office job' look, I thought I should dress smart but show them that I understand fashion and what the latest trends are. I felt slightly insecure, as I saw both girls staring at my clothes, as if I didn't understand the meaning of professional. I was just being paranoid, as I got talking to one of the girls and she thought she looked a little too 'smart' and thought she should have dressed according to the store (I must say I felt relieved) The interviews were running late, so I finally had mine an hour later than expected. I didn't even realise that it was an interview, so I felt strangely calm as I waited in the reception area, periodically staring at the clock. </p> <p>The interview itself went really well. I put on my charm and made the women laugh and when questioned about the latest fashion trends, I thanked vogue.com (in my head of course) for all of it's vital information. The manager of the new store seemed really friendly, down to earth yet very passionate about her work. She even complimented me on my shoes (thank you swollen feet!) and kindly informed me that I will more than likely be getting a callback.</p> <p>Fingers crossed.</p> <p>Anyway, it's 11:35pm, time for ANOTHER herbal tea and to curl up in bed with the handsome man (ooooh and perhaps another chocolate brownie????) </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/07/the-interview-and-kidnapped-by-the-boyfriend-6074562/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>interview-oreo-cheesecake-kidnappedhttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/07/the-interview-and-kidnapped-by-the-boyfriend-6074562/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/02/the-painful-gladiator-sandals-and-off-to-timbuktu-6048104/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-05-02:/2009/05/02/the-painful-gladiator-sandals-and-off-to-timbuktu-6048104/Sat, 02 May 2009 23:37:57 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3468542" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/542/3468542_31340ec991_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a><br> <strong><br> 'You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry.'</strong></p> <p>Walking around the city, wearing my new gladiator sandals was such hard work yesterday afternoon (crushed toes, aching ankles and sweaty feet) hmmm, as much as I love them, I also hate them for causing me such pain! It's my own fault for skipping around for 5 hours in 5 inch heels, but they are oh so pretty and I magically grow to 5'10 woohoooooo! (goodbye midget! hello supermodel!) </p> <p>Shockingly, after my afternoon spent with Shantel, I returned home with only a skirt, a necklace, facial wash, st tropez tan and a some Mediterranean couscous! I'm rather proud of myself for purchasing only the things that I needed (well, apart from the skirt of course) as usually I return with a bag full of impulse buys that I will more than likely never wear or use. Hmmm maybe the chicken & avocado sandwich from Pret for lunch gave me the much needed brain power to think more wisely?? </p> <p>My little brother is growing up far too quickly. He's 18 years old today and it's making me feel rather old(ish) I still remember him as a 3 year old, sitting on the floor with his blonde hair, big blue eyes and playing with Thomas the tank engine whilst talking to himself in that strange baby babble. Time passes by so quickly. He's now 6'1 and thinking about moving to America to study sport. As much as he annoys me and at times I even have the urge to throw sharp objects at his head, I do love him...</p> <p>As for the phone call I have been eagerly awaiting over the past week, well it finally came yesterday morning at 9:30am. Unfortunately it was bad news, but was informed that there will be other positions available soon in another department (fuckers) however, the disappointment didn't last too long, as I received another phone call off a polite lady, informing me that I have an interview next Wednesday. I applied for a job in a new store opening soon, therefore they are looking for staff ASAP. The good thing? Atleast I'm finally getting interviews. The bad thing? Why the fuck am I not getting these jobs? Oh well, keep positive and life will always work itself out in the end *sighs*...</p> <p>After a busy afternoon, I decided to unwind and relax in a beautiful candlelit bath, whilst pampering myself with lush products and listening to love songs on my ipod. Delightful. I love how a bath can wash away your worries and completely calm the mind, body & soul. I must have been in there for over an hour, as my fingers & toes felt a bit wrinkly (hehe) Once wrapped in a towel, I began packing a suitcase. Surprisingly, I'm not running away to Timbuktu, but to my boyfriends house. I thought it was wise to organize everything, instead of rushing around in the morning, throwing random things into the case, only to realise that I forgot to pack my favourite knickers! Hmmmm, however the gladiator sandals are in (just incase I decide to torture my feet again) oooooh and I must remember to throw a few magazines in, as I cannot possibly deprive myself of a good old fashion read at 10pm with a lovely cup of herbal tea...</p> <p>250 sit ups, followed by a browse on vogue.com with a bit of malt loaf? Indeed. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/02/the-painful-gladiator-sandals-and-off-to-timbuktu-6048104/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>gladiator-sandalshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/02/the-painful-gladiator-sandals-and-off-to-timbuktu-6048104/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/01/chewed-nails-4-squares-of-dairy-milk-hedgehog-6038032/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-04-30:/2009/05/01/chewed-nails-4-squares-of-dairy-milk-hedgehog-6038032/Fri, 01 May 2009 00:54:18 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3462613" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/613/3462613_dfb3bd826e_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p><strong>The body is a big sagacity, a plurality with one sense, a war and a peace, a flock and a shepherd. - Friedrich Nietzsche<br> </strong></p> <p>So, a week has passed by and still I await a phone call, to inform me whether or not I have the job. I keep fidgeting around, checking my mobile phone for any missed calls as I'm desperate to hear the good, or bad news. Oh well, either way it will be a complete relief as I've been on edge for the past 8 days! I hate that feeling, as I always feel totally incapable and stupidly begin biting my nails (which after reading about thread worms has scared me, because eggs can live underneath them and once swallowed... well, you more than likely understand what happens next, so I now make a conscious effort to avoid chewing!) Hmmm, it's 11:45pm and I'm sitting here contemplating whether to eat the last 4 squares of dairy milk fruit & nut, that seem to be sitting so innocently on my desk....</p> <p>I had an appointment with the nurse on Tuesday morning (pill check) She's such a jolly woman, always smiling and enthusiastic about everything (think the teapot from the film beauty & the beast) I had the usual blood pressure & weight check. Shockingly my blood pressure is great, even though I've been so stressed over the past few months! However, since December, I've lost half a stone, taking me down to 8.6 now (smug smile) I've changed my eating habits alot. I only eat when I'm hungry, but never deprive myself of anything (as you probably can tell with all the cheesecake I consume) I completely listen to my body, rather than my mind. If my body craves a krispy kreme doughnut, then I'll happily eat it (making those strange orgasmic noises with every bite) *sighs*. Shockingly I used to suffer with Anorexia Nervosa quite badly from the ages of 16-18. Food was an enemy and I remember the time I didn't eat any bread for 4 months! I used to go to bed at night craving sweets, so I would then hallucinate eating chocolate eclairs, whilst my stomach rumbled in pain. I also remember the time I would chew and then spit my food out, as I was petrified of gaining weight, but craved the taste of cakes so much. It was so terrible, it completely ruled my life and for those 2 years I was suffering in silence, as everyone around me thought I was just extremely healthy. It's heartbreaking when I read stories in magazines, as I understand what they're going through. Sadly some people never recover, but I'm thankful that I'm strong minded and realised how pathetic I was being. When I look in the mirror, I now see a healthy girl, slim with curves and I'm happy with that. Skinny is not attractive...</p> <p>I'm meeting my friend Shantel tomorrow afternoon for the usual Starbucks and Topshop browse. I've told myself that I will NOT purchase a pretty dress, a pair of shoes or anymore MAC make-up, as I need to be wise and save my money for more important things like... road trips to cool cities! However, I'm a typical girl. I have no self-control when it comes to fashion & beauty. Hmmm, strictly only window shopping??<br> to be continued...</p> <p>The boyfriends parents are going away on holiday next week, therefore I've been invited to keep him company. I'm really looking forward to it, as we hardly ever have time completely alone in a house. Hmmm sex in the kitchen, sex in the conservatory, sex in the garden with the gnomes? Indeed. As his parents are quite strict with me not staying over, I was rather surprised last weekend, as for the first time in almost a year I was allowed to do so. Of course we had to sleep in separate rooms, me in his cosy bed and him in the freezing cold conservatory, sadly wrapped in a sleeping bag (poor thing) however, he stayed in his room with me till 2:30am, erm, innocently....'studying' of course. I didn't want him to leave, as I always find it rather strange sleeping in a different house. At one point the garden light came on and I had those thoughts, you know the 'shit, there is a vampire outside!' ones?<br> Hmmm, unfortunately not Edward, more than likely a hedgehog...</p> <p>I miss Matt. I'm in the mood to curl up, pinch his cheek, play with his hair and fall asleep entwined together. I've never missed anyone as much as I miss him. Even after a day, he's on my mind and I begin to daydream about us together. I like being in love, I have an excuse to walk around in a haze...</p> <p>Cup of chamomile tea and a much needed goodnight sleep? Indeed.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/01/chewed-nails-4-squares-of-dairy-milk-hedgehog-6038032/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>dairy-milk-hedgehoghttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/05/01/chewed-nails-4-squares-of-dairy-milk-hedgehog-6038032/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/04/24/the-interview-and-does-money-bring-you-happiness-6000230/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-04-24:/2009/04/24/the-interview-and-does-money-bring-you-happiness-6000230/Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:31:21 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3430489" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/489/3430489_58a68007b5_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a><br> <em></p> <p><strong>'Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen.<br> Keep in the sunlight' - Benjamin Franklin</strong></p> <p>'We'll let you know in a week or so'</em><br> Andrea informed me, as she forcefully shook my hand...</p> <p>Hmmm, after a couple of days preparing and feeling extremely nervous, I was glad when the interview was finally over. The interview itself went OK I suppose (I only say OK as they didn't seem that enthusiastic, their frequent silences put me on edge slightly and I felt as if I repeated myself far too much) anyway, it's pointless to worry and over think myself into insanity, as it's out of my control and upto them if they want to employ me (but of course it's all I've been thinking about this morning, as I pick at my honey on toast whilst re-playing the interview in my head)</p> <p>Armed with carrot & coriander soup, cinnamon bagels and Tropicana orange juice, I went to visit my Nan who wasn't well, so I thought I would be the kind granddaughter, cheer her up a little and make sure she was getting her vitamins. Once at the gate, she opened the door and greeted me with a wave. Winnifred, 5'3, curly Grey hair and always wears blue thanked me over and over for visiting her (bless) so I made her a bowl of soup and sat with her for a couple of hours, talking about her childhood (the typical war story) and her travels (she goes on holiday every 2 weeks!) The memories always come flooding back when I'm sat in her lounge. I can picture myself as a 6 year old, sitting on the floor, playing with toys and talking to myself (always been rather strange) My dad decorated her house and it's still the same, 13 years later. It's like walking back into my childhood, which is comforting and makes me feel quite safe. Before I left, she handed me a couple of mints to put in my pocket, thanked me for a lovely afternoon and even gave me £10 (which I politely refused, but she demanded I take it) and as I walked away from her house, I realised that I need to see her more frequently, as she lives alone and I have so much spare time, which can be productively used to make her smile...</p> <p>Instead of heading back home at 2:30pm, I decided to go into the city for a couple of hours to have the usual coffee, cake and a Topshop browse. Like Deja vu, I bumped into one of my best friends, browsing summer dresses and pouting to herself. It's as if fashion fate forces us together hehe. We met back in 2003, during our college years studying Performing Arts. As we had ballet & jazz classes together, we began speaking and eventually became really good friends. She's a dancer now, so most of her weekends consist of traveling around the country, strutting around wearing show girl outfits (I am a tad jealous, as I know that if I would have continued with my classes, I could be doing the same thing from time to time to earn money) Anyway, we spend the rest of the afternoon gossiping, taking silly pictures and I purchased a pair of beautiful gladiator sandals for only £6.99 (Bargain) Overall, I had a really great day and went home feeling rather content...</p> <p>Last weekend, the boyfriend and I decided to drive to Bristol (for another one of our little road trips) we haven't been doing them as often as we would like, as it all comes down to <del>MONEY </del>(I fucking hate that word) so we spent most of the day, walking around, browsing the mall and had an 'eat all you like' dinner (which we took full advantage of, as between us we had 5 main courses and 4 desserts) Delightful, yet a tad greedy. Does money bring happiness? With £10 you can buy a pretty dress from Primark, with £20 you can spend it on petrol and drive somewhere beautiful, with £30 you can have lunch & dinner and perhaps a few pennies left over for a hot chocolate (with cream and sprinkles on top) so to a certain extent, I believe this is true. However, love and happiness doesn't have to involve money at all. You can stay in, watch an old film and cuddle up together and still feel as content as driving to Timbuktu for a day of exploring. Road trips are like a form of escape though, it's as if I'm waving goodbye to my worries and can walk around in the sunshine, hand in hand with the one I love and just feel free...</p> <p>I always wonder if I'm manic depressive or just simply dramatic? I had one of those self-destructive moments on Wednesday evening and found myself getting into bed at 7pm as I wasn't in the mood to face life. After my <strong>'Life is shit'</strong> speech, I curled up and cried myself to sleep. My life is like groundhog day. Everyday is the same. However, I always feel alot better when I wake up, wipe my tears and realise that it won't be like this forever. I want to shake myself most of the time for being such a 'fuckwit' as there are many things in my life that I love and appreciate so dearly. Having a job is stressful, but not having a job is also extremely stressful. I find myself losing motivation to just be and end up wallowing around, trying to block out my disturbing thoughts. Two days in a row spent indoors (like a hermit) can drive you completely insane...</p> <p>Hmmm thank fuck for road trips with the boyfriend, an afternoon spent with an OAP and a dancing shopaholic to keep me sane...</p> <p>Right, time to shake myself, put on some red lipstick and think positive? Indeed. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/04/24/the-interview-and-does-money-bring-you-happiness-6000230/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>interview-road-trip-insanehttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/04/24/the-interview-and-does-money-bring-you-happiness-6000230/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/04/16/rain-wednesday-afternoons-and-crumbs-5954043/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-04-16:/2009/04/16/rain-wednesday-afternoons-and-crumbs-5954043/Thu, 16 Apr 2009 12:55:49 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3416597" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/597/3416597_9827ca3603_m.gif" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p><strong>'Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness, has never danced in the rain.'</strong></p> <p>I was supposed to be heading out to the city this morning, as I'm in desperate need of a new sophisticated outfit for my interview on Wednesday. However, I woke up this morning to depressing grey clouds and bucket fulls of rain. So instead, I ventured downstairs, made myself a coffee and went back to bed for an hour or so. I'm not in the mood for soaking wet hair, damp clothes and an annoying uncontrollable umbrella (think Mary Poppins on speed) so I think buying online is in order, hot drink in hand whilst sitting by the fire with the chubby ginger dog. I do find rain rather therapeutic though, it's as if it washes away my worries and clears my head of it's negative thoughts....</p> <p>The one thing I'll miss about being unemployed are Wednesday mornings. I meet my boyfriend from work, head back to his house for an afternoon spent watching films, drinking endless cups of green and lemon tea, heading out on the evening for a nice meal with his family and then driving back to mine at 11pm, as he stays over (which results in us not sleeping till 3am and finally waking after 12pm) If I get this job, my Wednesday afternoons will be spent periodically staring at the clock, fidgeting in my chair and logging onto blog.co.uk to express how much I hate my new boss. As much as I need this job, I don't actually want it. I don't want to spend my summer locked away behind a desk, booking appointments for people who don't use condoms and need a Chlamydia test. But unfortunately I desperately need the money. Thankfully, I'll finally be studying Creative Writing in October so I'll only need to torture myself for 6 months....</p> <p>I'm getting crumbs all over the keyboard, as I sit here munching two pieces of wholegrain toast (with a bit of jam on) Hmmm, I wonder just how much food is actually lodged between the letters? I usually clean (well wipe the keyboard over with a facial wipe) atleast twice a week, so maybe I should consider using something like tweezers to gently pick out all of the crap. Urgh.</p> <p>I'm in the middle of filling out a questionnaire for my 'job'. As it's for the NHS, I expected the usual health questions, but I've just stumbled across one that politely asks me 'If I've ever suffered from an eating disorder?' hmmm, I don't understand why this question is needed for a simple receptionist position? At first I though it was something to do with the credit crunch and the fact that they cannot afford Christmas meals or vending machines anymore, so they thought it would be best to hire someone who just doesn't eat to save money?... I don't know whether to lie and tell them that I've suffered from 'Anorexia Nervosa' for the past 4 years OR be completely honest, write down 'Fat Bastard'<br> and hope for the best....</p> <p>Hmmm, another cup of coffee and an afternoon spent daydreaming? Indeed. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/04/16/rain-wednesday-afternoons-and-crumbs-5954043/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>rain-crumbshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/04/16/rain-wednesday-afternoons-and-crumbs-5954043/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/04/13/title-5937299/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-04-13:/2009/04/13/title-5937299/Mon, 13 Apr 2009 15:01:53 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3406530" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/530/3406530_d8ea525737_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a><br> <strong><br> I still get wildly enthusiastic about little things.... I play with leaves. I skip down the street and run against the wind - Leo Buscaglia</strong></p> <p>After purchasing a beautiful, delicious and calorie infested vanilla cheesecake from Sainsburys, the sun is now shining through the window and gently kissing my skin, as I sit here in the lounge contemplating what to do with myself for the rest of the day. We were supposed to have one of those traditional Easter Monday family gatherings at my Nan's house. But at 11am, she called informing us that she was too ill to play host, so will be spending the afternoon in bed. I was quite disappointed to be honest, as I secretly enjoy those cheesy gatherings, where we always end up getting the old pictures out, some dating back to 1989 (mullets galore) So instead, I found myself pottering around a supermarket, sniffing the freshly baked baguettes and wondering why I'm a size 8, when I eat so much cake?...</p> <p>Yesterday afternoon was spent at the boyfriends house, sitting in the garden, inhaling apple and grape from a hookah pipe, playing guitar hero and losing for the 100th time (damn blue button!) the evening consisted of an Indian meal with his sister and her husband, followed by herbal tea and an Abba programme with his parents. Sex seems to ALWAYS be mentioned on the TV when we are innocently sitting there. His parents are in their 60s, therefore it was rather embarrassing when his mum turned over to watch Katie Price talking to Piers Morgan about the time she gave Pete a blow job.<br> I didn't know where to look!...</p> <p>Hopefully, I'll only be unemployed for another couple of weeks, as my interview is soon. I will shoot myself if I have to (unenthusiastically) walk into the jobcentre for £47 a week again. I would rather slide down a 50 foot razor blade into a pile shit...</p> <p>Hmmm, a cup of coffee and an episode of sex & the city? Indeed</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/04/13/title-5937299/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cheesecake-hookah-blow-jobhttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/04/13/title-5937299/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/04/08/gigs-oxford-and-a-cup-of-earl-grey-5910516/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-04-08:/2009/04/08/gigs-oxford-and-a-cup-of-earl-grey-5910516/Wed, 08 Apr 2009 12:59:41 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3373316" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/316/3373316_abaad4dd49_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a><br> <strong><br> 'Trip over love, you can get up. Fall in love and you fall forever'</strong></p> <p>Good morning (I say as I sit here with messy bed hair and a delightful cup of Earl Grey) I <del>fucking</del> LOVE the sunshine, as I always wake up with a smile on my face and forget the fact that I'm unemployed and have only £2 to last me till next Thursday. However, I received a letter on Friday morning from the NHS (thankfully I haven't got an STI!) as they informed me that I have an interview on April 22nd at 4:15pm. I vaguely remember applying for a receptionist job in the GUM department (crabs, herpes and chlamydia galore!) but as I sent off my application 2 months ago, I thought they weren't interested. Anyway, fingers crossed I charm the pants off them, as working 37 hours a week would help me to finally save up my pennies for fun road trips over the summer period...</p> <p>I love gigs. I love the crowds, the beer (even though I don't drink it) sweaty people, loud music, dancing, the geeky guy infront singing out of tune, the annoying drunken girl stepping on my toe, the bright lights, the exciting atmosphere and having your boyfriend wrap his arms around your waist and sway along (nothing too cheesy of course) to the slow love songs. Over the weekend I went to see James Morrison and Jason Mraz, both were fantastic artists. However I felt Mraz interacted with the audience a little more, BUT I knew more of Morrison's songs. Hmmm anyway, hopefully with my pocket full of pennies, I'll try and see Nickleback, as they are playing the day before my 21st birthday... </p> <p>Another American friend of Matt's came over to visit, so on Monday morning (armed with a bottle of Evian, 2 banana's and a strange looking apple) we drove down to London to pick him up from the station. I always find American's so fascinating, as they come from a world filled with cabs, sidewalks and delicious bagels. The accent is so cool and at times I wish I had it!! We didn't stay in London, as Paul (the American) had already spent a couple of days exploring with his sister, so instead we drove to Oxford for the afternoon. As I've been to the beautiful city of Oxford a few times before, whenever I'm there I always pretend that I'm a really intelligent student, as I walk around the campus admiring the amazing university. It's quite sad really, but I secretly enjoy it. It's a great place to stroll around for a few hours, as it's filled with fascinating history, and of course those cute little coffee shops filled with delicious tea and scones!... *sighs*</p> <p>I've just sipped the last of my Earl Grey. Even though I feel content, I can feel boredom slowly intoxicating my body. I suppose after an eventful weekend, it's as if life has come to a complete standstill, as I sit here in silence. As much as I love my quiet moments, I much prefer to be surrounded by people. At times, I walk around the city to simply surround myself with noise. I know I have a few productive things to sort out this afternoon, such as preparing for my job interview. But all I want to do today is embrace the sunshine, explore the world, smile at strangers and forget about my worries in life. </p> <p>Annoyingly, my brain needs constant stimulation...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/04/08/gigs-oxford-and-a-cup-of-earl-grey-5910516/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>oxford-gigs-earl-greyhttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/04/08/gigs-oxford-and-a-cup-of-earl-grey-5910516/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/03/31/fear-less-hope-more-eat-less-chew-more-whine-less-5867616/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-03-31:/2009/03/31/fear-less-hope-more-eat-less-chew-more-whine-less-5867616/Tue, 31 Mar 2009 20:24:59 +0200 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3369784" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/784/3369784_8ee3bb4eea_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p><strong>'Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours'</p> <p></strong></p> <p><em>'I just don't know what to do with myself'</em> is the soundtrack of my life. It's 6pm on a Tuesday afternoon and the only productive thing I have done all day is log onto blog.co.uk to write my 72nd blog. That's seventy two pages of my laughter, hopes, dreams, tears, fears and absolutely perplexing poppycock. However, writing is my form of escape, so if I didn't express my thoughts, I'd feel trapped inside of myself...</p> <p>Even though boredom has intoxicated me, I'm actually feeling OK. No depressive mood swings or the urge to cut my wrists with a razor (thank <del>fuck</del> for calming chamomile tea) oh and of course those classic 1990s films such as 'Father of the bride', 'Three men and a little lady' and my all time favourite 'One fine day' with the handsome George Clooney. I will never get fed up of those movies, even though they are slightly cheesy, I love them dearly...</p> <p>It's so important for me to keep my mind busy, if not I end up walking from room to room, contemplating running away to the land of nowhere. I feel happy, angry, frustrated and over-excited all at the same time. My emotions all tangled together, as if I need to laugh yet cry. Hmmmm women are such strange creatures! The months seem to be passing by quickly, therefore uni is rather close. I'm excited to finally get on with my life/career and to put my all into it. I need to keep my focus and try not to let it slip away. I hate battling with my tears. Negativity can be so suffocating, therefore I'm continuing to intoxicate myself with optimism...</p> <p>I know what it feels like to be in love. So I completely understand why my mum wants to spend all of her time with her boyfriend, daydreaming and floating around. He lost his job over Christmas time, therefore he spent most of his time at my house. He is a lovely guy and he makes my mum incredibly happy, so of course I like him as my mum's happiness is extremely important to me. However, there were times when I felt slightly ignored. I was pretty depressed from December- February, so my negativity affected my state of mind and everything happening in my life. They would spend hours in the kitchen, drinking rose wine and giggling with one another (this being 5 days a week) or they would spend the whole evening upstairs. The house began getting more untidy, as my brother seemed to overtake it with his gym equipment. To avoid an argument, my mother would just allow him to leave his weights in the lounge and give him permission to do as he pleased. This infuriated me, as he would continue to bully everybody and walk around as if he owned the place. However, my mum's boyfriend has recently got himself a new job so he's not going to be around as much, as he has to drive all over England, meaning he won't be able to stay over. It's as if everything has changed overnight, as my mum spent the whole day cleaning and then cooked us all a home-made Shepard's pie, with fruit cake for desert. She just seems to be around alot more, acting slightly like a 1950s housewife. Am I being selfish? because I like having her downstairs, spending time with us all, rather than having to knock on her bedroom door (just incase I disturbed them both) if I needed to speak to her...</p> <p>Anyway, I'm looking forward to the weekend (James Morrison gig and a little road trip to London/Oxford) Hmmm delightful. So, with my slice of fruit cake and a cup of Yorkshire tea, I think I'll watch another movie and smile. After all, life is far too short to frown...</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/03/31/fear-less-hope-more-eat-less-chew-more-whine-less-5867616/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>fruit-cake-optimismhttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/03/31/fear-less-hope-more-eat-less-chew-more-whine-less-5867616/#commentshttp://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/03/26/vanity-is-sweet-and-i-like-yorkshire-tea-5837704/tag:elle88.blog.co.uk,2009-03-26:/2009/03/26/vanity-is-sweet-and-i-like-yorkshire-tea-5837704/Thu, 26 Mar 2009 19:05:34 +0100 <p><a href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/notitle/3353469" title=""><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/469/3353469_5fcd71045d_m.jpeg" alt="" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a><br> <strong><br> Vanity is so secure in the heart of man that everyone wants to be admired: even I who write this, and you who read this - Blaise Pascal</p> <p></strong></p> <p>After two beautiful days spend with the handsome boyfriend, I am now sitting here with the dog, a cup of Yorkshire tea whilst writing a list of the important things I need to do over the next couple of months. Such as, organize a writing portfolio for university, sort out finances, accommodation, driving lessons. The list is endless, but all of which needs to be sorted out asap. As a scatterbrain, I'm not great at organizing my life. I'm usually the one to let it all fall into place, but I've realised that some things need to be planned. </p> <p>Yesterday, the boyfriend and I stayed in bed till midday (my idea of heaven) but after breakfast, we decided to venture into the city. I like the fact that we both love lazy afternoons walking around, relaxing in coffee shops (as he pinches my cheeks and calls me Orville the duck, thanks) and basically just enjoying the simple things in life. We did venture into NEXT, as he needed to try on a suit for work. I must say, I think I fell in love with him all over again, as he stood there looking like James Bond in a black tailored suit *sighs*. All of a sudden, I had a vision of our wedding day. Seeing him looking so smart made me picture him standing there, waiting for me to walk up the aisle (I'm sure all us girls have these thoughts??) however, even though we do openly talk about getting married in the future, I didn't say anything and just let the thoughts happily play in my mind. An hour later whilst we were in the car driving back home, I told him I thought he looked great in the suit! (as I heard the sound of bells) he then turned to face me and replied 'Good, because that's what I'll look like on our wedding day!' </p> <p>Hmmm, I'm sure he can read my thoughts...</p> <p>I'm flicking through 'The Norton anthology- English Literature' and desperate to start studying once again. It's been over two years since the last time I completed an assignment. The last one being on Greek Mythology (I picked the story 'Athena's birth' and had to turn it into a dance/drama performance) I was 17/18 at the time and I would quite easily get A's. However, I lost concentration, so ballet classes seemed to turn into a burden, rather than important training to gain strength in my performances. I was still young, figuring out what I wanted to do in life. I don't regret studying performing arts at all, as I've gained confidence and discipline, which have stayed with me since. However, I now realise that I needed to have those two years to mature and to really find out who I am and what I want in life. I'm almost 21 and for the first time in my life, I feel in control of myself and I know what makes me feel deeply happy. At times when I hear Jazz music, I picture myself dancing in the studio without a care in the world. However, there are always lessons if I ever miss it a little too much (good job I still have my dance shoes)...</p> <p>Hmmm a Maryland cookie and my second cup of Yorkshire tea. Everything feels cosy as the house is quiet, the fire is keeping everyone warm and because I've had a great two days, I'm left feeling content. I'm looking forward to April, as I have the James Morrisson and Jason Mraz gig, another American friend of the boyfriend's is coming over to visit (meaning a fun trip to London/Oxford) and of course it's Easter (chocolate eggs galore) Even though it's currently raining outside and I only have £5 to my name, I'm keeping this positive attitude towards life and shall continue to smile, as things can and will only get better...</p> <p>A two hour relaxing bath spent exfoliating, cleansing, moisturising with pretty LUSH products (whilst reading Twilight?) </p> <p>Indeed.</p> <p>Vanity is sweet.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/03/26/vanity-is-sweet-and-i-like-yorkshire-tea-5837704/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://Elle88.blog.co.uk/2009/03/26/vanity-is-sweet-and-i-like-yorkshire-tea-5837704/#comments